Okay, let's lay it all on the table. Today is Dec 27, 4 more days before we move into another meaningless new year. I've been dying to write down something, but was either too busy or too lazy to spend time on my own thinking. This year has been busy... too busy to realize one year has passed just like this. Next year, surprise surprise, I'm going to do something new. I'll have a rough plan for next year and see how this will get me. I guess I have typical Aries trait. Spontaneous but not persistent. I can't believe I'm still working at Cartoon Network; after all the toss and turn at night, the tears I've shed at Eason Chan's concert - fearing life will pass me by if I continue to be ambivalent. On the other hand, the relief that my life does not have to be like all others... all those worries of not being better than others... material | status | age... year of 2001. It's full of trials and errors. Different projects; relationship issues; Ada had a baby... the baby issue... the constant bombard of being an adult & being free... the constant battle of not being good enough... the frustration of not knowing what I want & the fact that I'm still at Turner I'm sure frustrates a lot of people beside myself...
I launched Toonami. Although it has made another turn after Orion started. I made it happened on air - went to Atlanta to meet up with the gang. Quite an experience. Then the nightmare with Aaron that I really don't want to talk about it anymore. But on the other hand I really need to learn from it. I'm too soft... I'm the person I'm... who requires people to deliver what I expect them to deliver , I've to be tougher. I can't be that subtle anymore. It's not helpful to me & it surely won't ease the situation anyway.
This year I feel like I'm a loner at work more than ever. The other person that I can have a deeper conversation with is Yazmin - who went nuts in the middle of the Toonami crisis... gosh, I just keep attracting psycho... I envy Catherine & so who has already established a web of friends & connection which I don't really enjoy... Life is a bitch 'cos it keeps makes you wonder if there's anything wrong with you. When you don't have what other people enjoy.
Ellen | Pui had babies. Well I'm sure it's definite sign. No pressure from anyone... However I do feel it. I'm sure Steven wants it as well - he's pretty vocal about it anyway. I feel obligated. If I'm not there to keep him company, at least give him a baby... this is definitely not the right mentality but at least a valid reason. Why has career consume me so much?! I know I input more than I really should. My life is not balanced. The whole theory of family | relationship is glass ball, you can drop everything else it'll bounce back but not relationship. I feel in debt with Steven. I pay too little attention to him compare with "MY LIFE" - which is really pathetic (on my part) my so called life is completely consumed with how to make better of it that I lose sight of how I should appreciate "NOW" - present. See I know all the right talk but can I live it?! Ha! I spend too much time thinking than doing it. And when it comes to action, I don't have the force to carry thru it. Lame...
Consider "Jungle Bells" - I did the project but with unreasonable deadline, I just don't have enough force to make it work. I just want to have it done. But of course I'm being a bit harsh. I'm actually amazed that it got made.
Orion - people must think I'm mad to put such a weigh on other people. But I do. Like Ian I'm completely confident on Orion (except I do feel Orion's way is a bit too extreme than Ian though). He almost pushed everyone to the utmost extreme for the 2 months that he's started working here. He's the reason that I still can't make up my mind if I want to leave Turner. I never knew I was such a follower. I thought I was a leader but when there's a person I can count on. I've no problem just staying 2nd place. Maybe that's my logic with Steven as well... though I completely overpower him. Everyone has a different opinion on him. How bias is he I don't know (ref. Lawrence) How open can I be?! I sometimes feel that I'm too open already. That's why everyone sees thru me. That's why I feel Mark's intimidated... I can do this better. How to treat a boss that is cross between strictly business & friend (not even close on that part). If I can work thru that, maybe it will help me.
