Here, sitting in an uncomfortable computer chair, still wearing my perspired shirt from my P.E. class, shivering a bit for the capricious weather condition, shattered philosophies simultaneously springing from my disturbed mentality, my eyes set on the light of this flat screen, I am caught writing this unanticipated essay. Throughout the day, I cannot boast to have done something productive except for getting a perfect score in my quiz in Anatomy Lecture. For reasons I cannot decipher, I started doubting my passion to pursue on medical school. This feeling is so odd that it even touched my sensitivity as being an ‘easy-go-lucky’ bio student. Questions began popping up my mind. To an instance, they were like a sudden tsunami attack hitting and overwhelming my ‘caught-unprepared’ thoughts. My consciousness was left preoccupied with the issue barely hanging on query. My whole day was practically spent thinking over and over about the matter.
It all started when I intriguingly opened the note entitled “Future Doctors” posted by my classmate. I never intended to open my account on FB since it was very unusual for me to browse the internet on Sundays. But seeing the title seemingly addressed to every premed students, I sneaked to our section’s group for curiosity’s sake. There I read an article written by a 23-year old med student. She tackled her almost detailed experiences since she entered med school. Upon reading the whole write up, I found myself sighing and doubting at the ending phrase. With the words and convincing adjectives she used, I somehow felt the degree of sacrifice she has to surpass and encounter.
Approximately two years from now, I will be plunging myself to a world where people are expected to function above the ordinary. Dressed all white, stethoscope suspended on the neck, looking desperately hanging, giving up social life, forgetting about physical appearance, submitting to sleepless years, resigning worry-free times, leaving all pleasures behind, counting the days of exams and endless memorization, and accepting the undying truth of uncertainty of whether or not I will still be found alive the next semester. These are just few of the many things I could probably relate to being a med student. And in all honesty, I cannot imagine myself on this kind of situation. Yes, I have always dreamed of entailing the two precious letters next to my name. But I know it pays, and it’s quite costly. It would cost me a huge chunk in finances, my priceless time, my valuable efforts, and my whole life itself. And I’m asking the greatest question of my life: “Is it really worth the cost?”
I am on the brink of retreating. It’s not because I lack the will and determination, not because I don’t have enough strength and bravery, and not even because I am not mentally capable. I know I can. I just don’t know how long I can. I am starting to doubt my capacity and endurance to study for ten long years excluding specialization. I admit, I’m scared to the fact that in the middle of the race, I might get tired and lose sight of the finish line. This was not in my mind before. But hearing and reading numbers of stories about people who went to med school and quit in the long run, I began reflecting on myself. Maybe somehow, at some point, it is faith that I lack. Or maybe, that very thing is still to be discovered. It’s hard to be confounded in this kind of situation because it involves my future. What I want to become, and where I am headed. But as per my conscience and self-awareness, I know I am not a quitter. I am way far from the starting point, I have started the race, and all I know is I have to go on and move forward.
At the moment, I am trying to conquer these sudden shifts of worries and uncertainties. Though these deviant thinking clings on my mind, sooner or later I will overcome them. If I constantly entertain all doubts and suspicions, how will I move forward? I should be the first to encourage myself. Because if not, who else will be able to?
I am not as brilliant as other people seem to judge me. I am never fond of reading. Yes, my expertise is memorizing. But is it enough to make it to medicine? Will it bring me to the graduation day? I don’t think so. Medicine is far beyond mere memorization and mental squeezing. It’s all about self-sacrifice, as people in the med school would commonly say. Passion is the key. It would satisfy all the doubts and prejudices. As long as I have it, I know I will make it.
Every day, I learn a lot more about life. Practically, and perhaps emotionally. I grow a day older doing my daily routine as every typical bio student does during school days. My course is a great challenge. But challenges actually spice up my existence and I am up for it. I’ve always worked out the tough times both in hard and easy ways. And because of this, I know, by the grace of God that I can withstand whatever test there may be. Whether they are a thousand bones, ‘out-of-this-world’ medical terms, head aching nomenclature, and many more of the crazy and unusual stuffs, I believe I will finish well. We all have one life to live. One chance to make it count. Let’s make sure that we’ll leave a good name behind.
Are we there yet? Or are we even on the right track? No one knows. But we’ll never know how far we can go if we’ll never try. Yes it will be really hard. But whatever it takes, someday, it will be worth it all.
~an essay written by a friend of mine.
© mrpredictable
