Chapter 18: Lost.
Over You- Miranda Lambert
I sat on the bench after stomping for approximately half an hour of less. The fumes in me didn’t subside. Everything around me. Which one of them is not a lie? For all you know daddy will soon mail me a letter telling me that I’m adopted. Right. Their letters. I heaved a sigh. Maybe it would be better if I’m adopted. I mean what kind of daughter places her family’s letters inside some random shoe box she found lying in her room. Not once had I replied them. Was I really hurt that they decided to ship me here? Am I being reasonable in blaming them? Wasn’t it my own fault that I landed here?
The choices I made. The choices that I stick to. The choices that has been inculcated into my way of living. The choices that have now transformed into a part of me. With every decision made, no matter the magnitude, there is a consequence(s). Hence, the future was made by my own hands. It was through my own will that things have become to this state. So why am I blaming them? Who am I to blame them? A tear fell on the pink cover. Just what could be so damn wrong with my brain that this is the path which I’m on?
How many times have my tears been rolling down today? Pathetic. This being here, blaming people, this way of living...is pathetic. It is so upsetting. Everything hurts now. I can’t comprehend. I can’t understand. The silence that I’m imposed on myself. The secrecy that have imposed the darkness surrounding me. I’m being kept in the dark and this realm of darkness scares me. Being placed here...what purpose is it for? I stare up at the sky, the sky where the fluffy clouds happily floats around, where the sunlight dance with its rays spreading around, where the blue just extend to infinity. When will be infinite? Is the variety and the lifespan of problems the only thing that is infinite?
Closing my eyes, my breath left me. Yet even with that great bundle of air leaving me, I felt heavier. I open my eyes. The fluffy clouds bounced along, showing that the world revolves and nature was being very natural in its way. When will I be fluffy? My left hand reaches out and gave a futile attempt to catch the clouds. After my stubborn side has faded, the arm falls back down to my side. If heaven is way above me, If hell is way beneath my feet, then I need to try my best to look as far down as possible.
Steph. It is me. I hate you and how you have made me so damn insane. So may I miss you and then find you in the pits of doom. I hope to see you once more and light both of our body in flames. Cause this here... ... I thrusted my hands at the ground. Showing the my tickets to the deepest level of the fallen’s playground. Alright now. Since we got that sorted out, I know I left 4 more entries from you. So please give me some answers before we burn together once more.
I pick up the book and slowly flipped the pages. I’m trying to be calm. Trying because my hand is shaking.
22 January
The lights along the walkways seem so bleak tonight. She was busy today. I mean I shouldn't be so demanding right? After all she needed to go spend some time with her own folks. I mean I did leave her alone for while too during the whole exchange program. However she isn't that mean to disappear. She didn't disappear. Well, at least you're coming back soon. I should be looking forward to that day. Hold on while I adjust my mood. I'm clearing my throat. Preparing my arm to be lifted up.
You are coming back soon!! Say yeah baby!!! I'm so excited although it would be a little upsetting that the exchange student is leaving. Ahhhh!!! Can't wait for you to be home. Overly happy. Shall write to you another time.
Next page
23 February
You're back and that should be all that matters, Even if she isn't back…you are beside me. That should be good. He taught us all to forgive and forget. Even if she was suppose to be back on the 18. Even if she said that on the 19, we would have a date and yet she didn't turn up. It is fine. Jessi, smile when you see me. Cause… I'm sorry I need to pretend it is her smiling at me.
