Chapter 1: The Silence
Flowers for a ghost-Thriving Ivory
Your book was trashed aside in the big closet. Days has become nothing more but time ticking by. Your absence was so stifling that somedays I would just lie in bed. Today is such a day. Looking at the ceiling as my mind becomes nothing but the echo of silence. How long has it been since you and insanity met? I think it is three months. Or maybe slightly shorter. Who cares. You still aren’t here. B*tch. Yes I’m swearing at you. You bloody nut case.
A soft knock. I refused to entertain whoever was the worried soul this time. ‘Unnie...’ Her voice timid. I wish I could yell at her but you took away my ability to yell. In fact, you the mental idiot left me crippled. ‘Unnie... you awake?’ She slowly walked over and rested at my bed side. ‘Umma made dinner...told me to get you down to eat...’ Guess I had became a little to scary to approach. Sighing, I patted her head and made my way down.
I took my seat and started eating. The rest looked at me for a second before picking up their chopsticks as well. Krystal peeked at me before sitting beside. This has become the family meal. The silent family meal. Nobody knew how to approach this child anymore. This sad kid that went through the trauma of losing you. This weak one that couldn’t move on because her bestfriend had slipped out of her hand and into the depths of some other place that couldn’t be reached. Nobody knew what to do. Nobody.
Once done, I nodded my head out of respect. Signaling that I was done and it was time for me to go back to my cocoon.‘Jessica.’ I turned to face the low stern voice of my father. ‘We...’ The slight shiver in the two word. Now what brilliant plan had they come up with. Another doctor that states me as incurable and uncooperative? Staring blankly at the face that I had made aged ten years more with no remorse. Sad isn’t it? You made me become this uncaring and irresponsible. ‘Decided to send you to a boarding school back in Seoul. You’ll be leaving next Tues..’ My face remained expressionless.
‘WHAT? Why? How can you just send Unnie away like this? How....’ Krystal was baffled. I wish I was too. Frankly I wanted to shout to say why and all that. Like the typical set of reaction one is suppose to have when their family ships you to the other side of the world. To react a a little like how Krystal is but I simply nodded. Kystal turned and looked at me. Seeking some form of answer. What answer can I give when I’m the problem? What answer could I give when you made me a question.
I stood there looking into his eyes, double checking if that was all he wanted to say. A full 6 seconds passed by. I gave a slight bow and excused myself. Was this for the better? No longer walking down the same streets, seeing the cafe where we used to gossip, driving past the malls that we love....no longer seeing the places of ‘we’?
Before I could settle down on my bed, Kystal swung my door open. Unsympathetically letting it slam against the wall. Calmly, my eyes meet her enraged ones. ‘Unnie how can you just let them do that? How?!’ She was yelling. This caring sister was pissed and furious. that is sweet. She is sweet. ‘How can you just accept all these?’ Her eyes becoming watery. Her mighty fury causing her immense frustrations. Her lack of being helpful in going against our parents causes her mind to select a great mix of negative emotion.
Her head lowered as she gave in to the emotions. Gave in to the consoling tears. Still she lowers her head as her mind told her to not show me her signs of perceived weakness. Isn’t she silly? How I would love to be able to cry my lungs out at the emptiness of you leaving and ripping my mind out. To yell in anger at your stupidity that has left me with nothing but emptiness and nights of terror. You sick twisted person. You...who I love.
Suddenly, Kystal grabs my shoulder. I look at her blankly. Surprised actually that I was being cut off in my train of thoughts. ‘Unnie. Tell them. Tell them that you hate their plan. Tell them you need them to be beside so that you would get cured. So that you will move past Stephanie Unnie’s death.’ Did you hear that? You who said that you would forever be watching over me. She says that I’m sick. That I need a cure from you. Funny is’t it? Hence I smiled at her. Lightly brushing her hands off my body.
She then pulls me into her embrace. ‘Unnie...talk to me. Talk to us. Scold me,tease me. Anything. Just talk to me.’ Her voice was desperate. Her speech in extreme pleading mode. ‘Please.’ However it lacked the persuasion. I wished I could offer more to this sweet sister that cares so much. Instead, all I did was to stroke her back and eased her tears that was pouring down onto my right shoulder.
I held her in my arms till she had calmed down. In someway holding her like this seemed right so I decide to hold on to her a little while more. Somehow, my skinny frame was comfortable as she drifted off in my arms. Gently, I pulled a pillow off from my bed and let her rest her head on it. Afraid that she would catch a cold, I took the blanket and spread it over her.
Looking down at her face with the ugly brows all contracted towards the middle, I wondered was it due to the exhaustion of crying or anger? Whatever it was, it was ruining her beautiful face. With my left index, I gently touched the middle. Shifting it once to the left and once to the right. Then retracting it, letting my useless arms dangle back at my side. Now her eyebrows were back at the default length apart. She looks way better now.
I stood up to switch the lights off before quietly closing the door. Deciding to grab a light bite for no particular reason, I took the steps down to the kitchen. However I had to stop midway. As unknown to their sight, their topic of discussion was in hearing distance.
‘Do you think we are right?’ Father shakes his head. ‘I don’t know what is right anymore...all I know is that when Stephanie died, she killed Jessica as well. Talking to Patrick the other day was difficult. It was like he was in major pain that his youngest is gone but at least he shows steps of moving on. As I watched him, I couldn’t help but wonder how is it possible that Jessica had it worse off than him.’ He sighed. Hey your dad is better than me. You have made me worse off in the grieving department. Thanks a lot, you crazy sh*t.
‘But...they were best friends. She was the last one that saw her. Should we really send her away like this? Are we not being understanding enough to her case? It feels so wrong. I have this disgusting feeling that I’m throwing my daughter to the sharks.’ Her insecurities clearly reflected in the light. ‘She will be fine. Besides Sooman will be watching out for her. He gave me his words.’ He was trying to comfort her yet there was still a tinge of uncertainty in his speech. Is this called hypocrisy?
Unwilling to eavesdrop anymore, I made each step I took a little louder. Their body stiffened in shock as they saw my shadow. Grabbing my jacket, I sat down to wear my shoes. ‘Where are you going this late dear?’ Her voice was shaky. Was it due to being caught talking about me or was it due to concern? I looked into her eyes for a few seconds while I pondered over that question. When I couldn’t decide, I stood up. Flashed my phone at her before heading out. Leaving her to be met with the cold breeze of the closing door.
The streets was empty. Expectable since It was a Thursday night. My steps were slow but heavy. Why did I come out for a walk? Well at least the spring’s breeze was in full swing. The chilling air causes me to pull the jacket over me. I guess the weather could cause me to search for some warmth.
My legs carried me. It was like standard procedure, left then right then left. Then I was back here. Back. I waved at Mr Stevenson. With his eyes barely above the papers he identified me, shake his head for old times sake and then going back to the paper. Hence here I am again facing you. You and the smile that was genuine and sincere.
Hey there. I’m back and soon to be gone. Folks decided to ship me off. Sending me off to some school. I guess, like you, I wouldn’t be back anymore. So if the glass gets dusty that is your problem. Since you decide the path to smile like an idiot behind the glass. Whatever it is, I honestly hate you....love you. So either way, this is goodbye.
I looked at you straight in the eye. This is goodbye after all. Thus all the harm of looking at you straight in the eye was irrelevant. I would be missing you. Missing you in the blasted frame with the innocently ignorant smile. If I still could, I would have shed a tear for our second parting. This one would definitely be way more normal of a departure then how you had pulled one on me. Whatever.
I lightly tapped your glass and then turning around. Left over right again and I bid farewell to Mr Stevenson. That will be one man who I knew would have noticed my absence but not be bothered by it. I was leaving. Like how you had left. A departure whose explanation shall be nothing but silence.
