After it was all over, those of us who were left were able to point to that as practically the exact moment that everything started falling apart.
Luke always used to like discussing his deep, philosophical subjects with the rest of us at breaks- particularly the rest of us who didn’t understand. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not implying that he did it to irritate or to look down. In fact, his earnest tone- so different from his usual demeanor- was somewhat disturbing. He liked the psyche. He like talking about fear, and hate, and love, and motivation. He would have loved Than’s job.
In retrospect, maybe that’s why he didn’t like Than all that much.
Luke’s talks, especially when they voiced a darker thought, always seemed like a grim prediction of the future for some of us. Not our future though: his. He was likely to have been more right than any of us had given him credit for. We had always hated it when he was right- he wasn’t exactly the most beloved among us, but still, we’d have given much for him to have been wrong about that.
In retrospect, he didn’t talk much about death.
So his forebodings were never that close to the mark, I suppose. Although, it could very well be true that what he imagined terrified him as much as it would have the rest of us, if we knew the accuracy behind all of it.
I remember one of his lectures very clearly. It was back in the times when I was only a ‘cadet’, as they dubbed the novices. Honestly, the only reason I remember it all is because we found it written down in one of his journals later when we sorted through Luke’s things in the office. Either he’d wrote it down and memorized in order to fill our ears with the words; or, its very possible that he was proud enough of his preaching at the moment that he jotted it down right after in hopes of expanding on it for publication. Both are very possible.
“The irrational fear of the dark is really only a human fear of what cannot be seen. We- and I say that because it applies to everyone of us to an extent no matter our denial- are afraid of the dark because we fear the dark that lets the unseen be unseen. The dark even exaggerates our visible daylight fears by hiding them from us and turning them, too, into unknown entities.”
It was Than’s reply that was slightly more memorable- though Luke would have put that down to my supposed ‘unhealthy-obsession-with-the-son-of-a-bitch’:
“You’re wrong. Not everyone of us has to worry about or fear that. I can see in the dark. I can see what you call the unseen. By your terms, I can see what I'm afraid of- who cares what that is, though?”
Don’t get him wrong either. Than’s not really big-headed, not at all. He just likes to talk back to Luke. Luke’s one of the only people I’ve seen him take a jab at to provoke like that. Note: It usually works very well. Nevertheless, in my opinion, Than’s words were completely true- at least in the case of him.
Than doesn’t believe in them, the words he speak. He lets us know it. He doesn’t believe in himself very much, I’ve noticed. He likes to believe in less concrete things like the upper authority, or the government. He said later on that it means he just likes to believe in things he knows not to believe in, because he doesn’t deserve stability. That was the one time I’ve ever seen him inebriated, and consequently a lot more depressed than usual.
Later on, after the unraveling of everything- for me at least- began, he decided to add a bit to all that he said a long time ago to Luke, “Genuine fear, the kind that shatters the mind and pushes even the best and bravest over the cliff into a suffocating sea of insanity, doesn’t belong in the dark where they are unseen, because we still know they are there. Real fear comes from what we don’t know, can’t know, never will know- and above all, what we don’t want to know.” It was the last tribute to a man that we all admittedly did not like, but did not hate either.
In retrospect, maybe a big reason we didn’t like him were the dark things he said that even we, on some level, accepted as inevitable. Actually, nevermind, there are plenty of other, better reasons for us to have disliked him.
In retrospect, it’s possible that Than may have believed in the words he said himself that one and only time.
I think so because he’d just lost himself for a long moment. I knew I saw it.
He recovered so, so quickly, but I knew I saw him see that insanity for a moment.
Obviously, I for one believed in his words- just like I always have.
