Secrets (A Jiley fanfic - The Next Step)

t h i r t y - o n e

I skip school the next day. And the next. And the next.

James is gone and I won't see him for a very long time. There's a possibility that today was the last time we'll ever be together.

The drive from his to mine would involve stopping at a hotel overnight on the journey, and with the stress of Internationals, school exams, and my mother's cancer, I just won't be able to afford the time to do it.

Obviously I'd give up my dance career and school to be with James, but he would never allow me to do that.

I just lie in bed staring into the space in front of me.

People had always talked about heartbreak, hidden it in meaningless quotes and lyrics, but they left out the part about inability to function.

They say that you hurt, and that the pain is unbearable.

With James, my motivation has gone. I can't even get out of bed without questioning why I should bother. Even then, it ends up with me just staying where I am.

My whole family has tried to help me feel better, but I can't.

I have texted James every evening and talked with him well into the night.

All I want to do now is run into his arms and hug him with his telling me in my ear that he will never leave again, and that we will be together eternally.

Every night I dream about him arriving, with me running into his arms and kissing him with tears streaming down my cheeks. I always wake up though, right in the middle of the best bit, and then cry for hours. The dream was just an image in my head. This was when I first realised that dreams don't come true, and dwelling on them will make your life not live up to your own expectations. Dreams can have the same effect as heartbreak. As soon as you realise they're not forever, you break.

My phone buzzes next to me and I move my hand to pick it up. A text from James appears on the screen.

'Hey, I've just finished unpacking. I wish you could see my room, and I wish I could kiss you right now. I hope you're not missing me too much. Love you, James x'

Instead of replying, I just phone him.

"Hi." He picks up almost immediately.

"I miss your voice." I mumble into the speaker.

"I miss you." He says.

"How are you?" I ask him sadly, craving him being close to me.

"I'm alright. It's hard adjusting to this life. I just want to be with you. How's school?"

"I skipped it again." I mutter, knowing he'll be upset.

"Riley, please go to school. I don't want to be guilty of ruining your grades for you. Just because I'm not physically there with you doesn't mean that I don't love you and will never see you again. Because I do love you and I will be back as soon as I can. I promise you that." He says softly, then mentions something "Do you like your present?"

I fiddle with the metal part of the necklace that sits next to my heart. "It's beautiful." I say, stroking the soft arms of the male ballerina. "But it makes me miss you more." I say sadly, tears threatening to spill again.

"How's your mum?" He asks kindly.

"She's alright I guess. In and out of hospital, but she'll get moved to a hospice soon. Then I don't know what will happen. Did you know that Em's moving out at the end of the summer to live with her new boyfriend Michael. In a few months my household will be from four to two, I don't know how I can cope. I need you." I say softly, my face wet with tears.

"You'll still have Liv." He attempts to reassure me.

"Yes but she's staying with her dad over summer. She only came to my school at the beginning of the year because she was moving in with her mum, but her mum's got a new boyfriend and doesn't want Liv in with her any more." I cry. My life couldn't really get any worse.

"Riley." James says strongly "I know that life can be tough but you're never alone. I'm no more than a phone call away. Remember when I would put my arms around you and hold you as I wept, imagine that now. I'm there Riley, in your heart."

I feel my heart beat beneath the fingers that moved to my chest. All I wanted was for him to be here, and tell me everything's okay. A phone call made it slightly better, but not fully.

"I have to go now, sorry Riley, but I promise I'll speak to you later. I love you so much." He says.

"I love you too." I confirm. I switch off my phone and melt into a puddle of tears.

Author's note:
Hello guys. I logged back into this account for the first time since about April and found that my book has well over six thousand views. I'd like to thank all of you for that, especially those who are still active. In the time that I've been inactive, a lot has gone on, mostly in my head. I don't want to go into detail but you can read a bit more in my bio. You all mean a lot and it's a boost to my self-esteem that's already lower that the ground. Thank you for this, I just felt that I owed you this message because you're all amazing. If you haven't smiled today, please do because you are not alone and I love you :)
~Ax