Reflection (Artemi Panarin)

Pain

-Taylor's POV-

Today we had no hockey so I decided it was a non-contact day. But not before I did something I was terrified of first. When I got home last night I got a text from Pat.

Pat: You have to tell Artemi what's in your notebook

Me: Pat... You know I can't do that. I can't have him worry about me.

Pat: Taylor. No one thinks those things about you. You have to know that.

Me: I know. I've just been hiding for so long. I don't know if I can handle it when it all comes back and blows up in my face.

Pat: You're not alone this time. You have me and Jonny and the whole team. Hell, you have Artemi wrapped around your finger. We're going to fight with you wether you like it or not.

Me: Looks like someone is trying to sweet talk himself out of a favor😏

Pat: not the point but would be nice.

Me: You're right pat. If I need help I'll ask this time. Thanks so much. Oh, and you're not getting out of the favor.

I woke up and sent out my no-contact info incase someone decides to break down my door again. I grab all the notebooks I've written in since high school and put them together. They were my whole life and I was about to send them off. I wrapped them with a nice ribbon and tied a note to the top. I headed to Arts apartment and placed them on the door step. I went back downstairs and asked the front desk lady to have Artemi check his front step. She told me he got the package and I went on my way.

I started planning the Halloween party for the kids and getting the details worked out. Since it was so soon I had to have the invitations to the Chicago area schools sent out as soon as possible. After those were made I made a list for decorations I would need. I already left my apartment once which was against my rules, it wasn't about to happen again. After a productive afternoon I drew myself a bath and listened to music. I made myself sweet and sour chicken for dinner and sat down to draw some. Today was a pretty productive day if you ask me.

-Artemi's POV-

I woke up thankful we didn't have to do anything today. Hockey games can be so draining. I know Taylor needed her time by herself so I was just going to stay home today. After making breakfast and cleaning a little I get buzzed from downstairs. "Mr. Panarin, there's a package outside of your door for you."

I open my door and there are about 10 spiral notebooks with a red ribbon and a note on it with my name in cursive across the front. "I got it thank you" I say before the line goes dead. I take the package inside and carefully remove the note. It read,

"Dear Breadman,
Aren't you special? Contact on no-contact day. Don't tell the boys I'm doing this! Anyway, for the first time in a long time I took advice from someone else and decided it was time for you to read these, only if you want to. These mean a lot to me. In a way these are me. It will explain it all. All the questions you ask me, here are the answers. I don't how much will change after this but I hope it'll still be me and you kid. Enjoy? Can I say that? I don't know.
Much love, Taylor"

I remove the ribbon to find the ten black notebooks. I just decide to start from the top and go from there.

I finished the last notebook and look up from my couch. It was 9 pm. I sat there for twelve hours and didn't even realize it. I also hadn't realized I had been crying. She was right. This changed everything. It all made sense.

Freshman year of high school she got hurt. Like really hurt. Taylor had blown her knee out and no one thought she was strong enough to come back. I don't know about knees and all the ligaments but she had pictures of the MRI and it just looked terrible. All the ligaments and cartilage was torn to shred, I couldn't imagine how bad that hurt. But she did come back. In fact she only took off a few months when people usually waited a year. Anyone who knows Taylor knows she's hard headed and when she sets her mind to something, there's a very good chance it's gonna happen. So naturally she got better and she got back to being a four sport athlete again in no time. But things changed. It started to hurt again. The surgery didn't turn out as well as everyone hoped it would and it showed. Her ligaments weren't strong enough and the cartilage wore down to the point the bones were rubbing against each other every time she took a step. The doctors were going to fix her up, but she never went back. She decided to push through it and figured it would pass eventually, but it never did. It started with limping, then the swelling increased and finally her leg failed to support her. It never got better. The pain was intolerable, hiding it all from everyone was even worse. She has suffered for eight years. No one knew. She hid it so well but when she was by herself she exploded. She cried every day. There were panic attacks and anxiety attacks every time she thought about having to leave her house. She was terrified that something would end her or that she would start to show weakness. But every day she returned to practice like nothing ever happened. All she wanted was for someone to help but they never came. Every birthday wish, shooting star, 11:11, all was spent the same way for eight long years, she just wanted the pain to go away. She waited for someone to save her but they never came. Her parents never cared, didn't have any siblings to look over her, and never let anyone close enough to try to fix it. Soon enough she ran out of things to point her finger at and started to blame herself. She never got help, it never got better, so she never recovered. Not a day goes by that she doesn't wake up with hope that she would magically be cured or that it was just a dream. Every day she feels pain. And it's not just her knee. It's the other knee, then it's her legs. Eventually it gets so bad she can't walk. Could you imagine being scared to get out of bed because you're not sure you can walk? To lie in bed at night and have nothing but pain consuming you, never getting a wink of sleep. To feel so trapped by conflicting things that no matter what you feel like you're going to lose. That's no way to live. That started 6 years ago. She hasn't felt anything but pain for 6 years. It's consumed her, but she never complained, never blamed the doctors or coaches. She sees herself as her own worst enemy. This terrible thing that has happened to her was there because she let it get that way. So many things had to go wrong to get to this point and in no way was this all self inflicted. She got knocked down every day and she always got back up. But most importantly she never gave up. No matter how bad it got she never gave up. I don't know how. What she went through would make the strongest athletes crawl into a ball and never get up. Injuries are no joke, and when they become a factor outside of the sport it's entirely too much. This was her life, nothing but pain and loneliness. But she fought back. She laughs so she won't cry. She gives because she never got. She loves because shes felt hate. She found quotes that fit her perfectly and she understands them on a level no one should.

All she wants is a reason for what happened to her. She wants is for it all to be worth it. She wants closure, a light at the end of the tunnel. She feels like she's too far gone so now she wants to make sure what happens to her doesn't happen to anyone else. So she became an athletic trainer. She became the person she wish she had to support her. She knows how to tell when a athlete checks out or is lying about their situation. She also knows what to say when someone is in a position such as her so it never gets that bad.

I hurt for her. She's a great girl. Amazing even. But she'll never see that. But like she said, in order to spread light in the world you can either be the candle or the mirror that reflects it. I'm going to become her reflection. I now know what she knows. It's not the same because I didn't learn these things first hand like she did but I want to make myself better. All these, lessons I guess, they're important. They helped create a wonderful person and I'm going to get her to realize that if it's the last thing I do.