Reflection (Artemi Panarin)

Its Okay Not To Be Okay

Lesson 11: It's okay not to be okay.

-Artemi's POV-

I woke up the next morning with Taylor in my arms like I have become so accustomed to. She was still asleep but I was able to slip out of bed without disturbing her. I drag myself to the kitchen to grab some coffee. A equally tired Brian meets me in the kitchen and sits at the table. He lightly lets his head fall on the counter and sighs.

"Hey bud, sleep good" I question. He nods his head against the table and I laugh to myself. This kids a riot.

I know Taylor's gonna need time to herself today so I decided Brian and I would have a boys day. "Since school doesn't start up until next week what do you say to a guys day. You and me" I ask.

His eyes light up and he runs to his room to change. I too retreat to my room to see Taylor scrolling through her phone.

"Hey sweetie" I say coming to her side to kiss her head.

"Hey Art" she replies sitting up.

"So Brian and I are going to leave you be today. I'm going to get him his hockey gear and try to pick up a birthday gift. Anything you need while I'm out" I offer. I finish putting on jeans and a Blackhawks sweater. Chicago and January are just brutal together.

"No thank you. I'm good" she says smiling.

"It's okay to need things, Taylor. Just say the words and I'm there" I promise.

She laughs and shakes her head. "Really Art, I'm good" she insists. Not much I can do but I know somethings wrong.

Brian and I end up walking around Dicks for while picking out things. I let him play with the stuff and I try to remember the equipment I used when I started off, which wasn't much.

"Where's mommy" Brian asks behind a goalie mask he found. I couldn't help but laugh. The thing was huge on him.

"Mommy needs time to collect her thoughts and clear her mind" I say picking up a smaller helmet. It was actually adorable.

"Is mommy going to be okay" Brian wonders removing the helmet and returning it to where he found it.

"She will be. It'll just take some time for her to get better" I say putting the helmet in the cart and moving to the sticks.

He tries out the left handed and right handed sticks to see which one he likes. We pass a ball back and fourth and he decides on the left handed one. For someone who has never played he sure does move the ball well. I toss the stick in the cart with the helmet and head to the skates.

"I think mommy is different. She's special. I think mommy sees things that other people don't, that's why she can make people so happy" Brian states trying on his third pair of skates. This kid has got the heart. That's for sure.

"And how do you know that" I ask trying to figure out how someone so young had come to such an grown up conclusion.

"I can see it in the way she talks to people. Like she really cares for everyone. She wants them to be happy so she listens very carefully and makes sure they feel loved" he replies.

Wow. I think I became so attached to him because he's a lot like Taylor. Never ceases to amaze me. We end up getting the skates he had on and I told him to go stick handle some more while I get pads, a mouth guard, and something for his birthday.

We decide to stop and eat food at Portillos before going home. As we eat I decide to start asking questions.

"Do you like me or uncle Patrick better" I start.

"Easy you" he say.

"Okay, Uncle Patrick or Uncle Jonny" I wonder.

"Hmmmm Uncle Patrick" he nods.

"Smart man. How about me or mommy" I smirk. That should be a harder one.

"I want to marry mommy" he says and I laugh. "But you're going to marry her" he sighs.

Am I? I've never thought about marriage. I was positive I wasn't going to do anything besides hockey when I came to Chicago but here I am with the best girlfriend in the world and a great kid. I thought I was going to be this bachelor but I realized that I want to help people be better. Things change. I know I have. We finish eating in silence then decide to walk around the city. It eventually got dark and we went home.

I unlock the door and Brian takes his stuff in the room. It doesn't look like anything happened here all day. Usually I smell whatever Taylor makes for dinner but it was dead still. I walk to our bedroom and see the door shut. As I get closer I hear crying and I panic. After I crash through the door I see Taylor with her knees to her chest and her arms wrapped around them. She was looking out the window letting out low sobs. I rush in front of her and get on my knees, checking for any physical damage but find nothing. She continues to gaze out the window while I rest my head on her legs.

"I knew I shouldn't have left this morning. I knew something was wrong" I say starting to get angry with myself.

"Please, don't blame yourself" she whispers. I look up to see her still crying.

"Why. Why didn't you say anything? I thought you weren't going to shut down this time" I sigh.

"I overestimated myself. I thought I could do it by myself. You looked... So happy. And I was not about to be the reason you're not" she defends.

"Taylor you are my happiness. I thought I was happy before but then I met you. Then I felt genuinely happy. You have to know that" I beg.

"I love you so much. More than I've loved anyone. You make me feel like I can do anything. But this, I can't do this" she sniffles.

"That's why you're not, we are. This isn't meant to be easy, but it is meant to be possible" I insist.

"It just hurts so bad. And I'm so scared that I won't turn out okay this time" she shakes her head.

"It's okay not to be okay, Taylor. A easy life isn't one worth living, you told me that yourself" I finish.

She slides off the bed and into my lap. We gently rock back and fourth for a while until the door opens. Brian stands there until Taylor opens her arms and he runs into them. He quickly falls asleep and Taylor let's out a giggle.

"What's so funny" I wonder. She looks down at Brian then up to me.

"I guess it's you and me and the kid now huh" she teases.

"It's you and me and the kid" I smile.