Reflection (Artemi Panarin)

The Past Can Hurt

Lesson 17: Even if your past is full of hurt, look back and smile because it made you who you are today.

-Taylor's POV-

Today is the funeral. I've never been to one before. My family is really small and I've never gotten close enough to someone that when they died I would need to attend their funeral. But here I am, with a boyfriend and kid getting ready to put to rest one of the most genuine people that ever walked this earth.
The service is small, there wasn't a lot of people who loved Nancy, it was about how much the few people loved her did.

After the priest said some words Greg and Brian walked up to say a few words. I was fighting back tears the whole time, letting Artemi hold me close. Soon Greg and Brian came back and the priest asked if anyone else wanted to speak. I didn't trust my voice so I stayed still but Artemi raises his arm. I get up from leaning on him and he gets settled at the alter.

"I'm still working on my English so bare with me.

Nancy was a wonderful women. She reminded me of my own grandparents who were my primary caretakers most my life. She didn't have a lot, but instead of taking no for an answer, she always found another way to get a yes. I respected the sacrifices her and Greg made. The day Taylor and I decided to adopt Brian I had a conversation with Nancy and Greg. They were in a hard place. I know what it's like to not have a lot of money or support, but having what you need. She had faith and desire, to me, that's all you need. Coming halfway across the world seemed insane to my grandparents. I couldn't tell you how many times my grandad begged me to stay, but he knew I was already gone. Now here I am, in front of you, saying I never disobeyed my grandfather but this was the best decision for me. I have a American grandad in Greg and a kid who is the best combination of Taylor and I. And it's all because of Nancy. She was the type of women who didn't have to say anything for you to know that she was there for you. She will be missed" he finishes.

All those tears I was holding back was now flying free. He never, and I mean never, talked about Korkino. He said it made him miss it too much or he was too embarrassed. I never pushed it because I knew that when he was ready, he would tell.

He sits back down next to me and the priest finishes up before we all head to the grave sight. "That was beautiful" I told him. He kisses my cheek and looks at me.

"I meant every word. I know I'm not always the most open when it comes to my past but I'm not like you. I didn't get all these lessons. I never learned" he sighs. I look back at him so very confused.

"Art, not every lesson has a cute catch phrase. Some of them just need to be felt, not heard. You're more intellectual than you give yourself credit for" I respond getting up. He sighs and shakes his head.

"Not everyone sees things the way you do, Taylor. I wish they did but the just don't" he responds picking up Brian and putting him on his hip to adjust his little tie. He was right though.

We get to the grave sight and no one said a word. We didn't have to. "You know, on Christmas when I was talking with them while you were hanging out with Brian" Artemi asks. I nod my head and look to see Brian kneeling in front of her tombstone. "Nancy told me that Brian was going to do great things in the world, but she couldn't afford to help him get there. She had been watching you that Christmas morning, handing out gifts and sent Brian to us because she knew you would've been the one to help him. She saw some of herself in you" he says starting to cry.

"I want to become half the woman she was" I respond placing flowers on the ground. I was going to miss her so much. She is so special.

"I think he's got my heart and your brains" I say watching Brian run circles around the other 8 year olds during the hockey game.

"When I was eight was when I first started competing. I see a lot in him that my grandad saw in me. But he had to work a lot harder than I do" he says with a sigh. I can tell he misses him. He misses home. I want to give him everything I didn't have."

I look at him with a disappointed expression. "Art, you're the way you are because the things you had to go through to get here. The past hurts, I get that. But it's nothing to be ashamed of. I would send Brian the same route you went through if that means he will become even a fraction of the man you are" I say with so much passion. He returns the passion with a kiss and we return our attention back to the ice.

A few seconds later Brian is again flying across the ice stick handling like it's his natural calling. He sends the puck glove side. The horn goes off and Artemi and I cheer extra loud. Brian isn't one to celebrate a goal. He's got the whole captain serious "that was fun and all but there's still work to do" face and usually just hugs his teammates. I've got to keep him away from Jonny. This time he points to the sky then taps his chest. That's when I realized I just lost Nancy... I'm not about to loose him too.