Reflection (Artemi Panarin)

Hold On

Lesson 13: Every time you want to give up, remember why you held on for so long in the first place.

-Artemi's POV-

We arrive at the restaurant and check into our reservations. After being seated and ordering we start to talk.

"You did all of this" she points to the white roses and lights hung up.

"I try" I shrug letting out a laugh.

We continue to converse and laugh the night away. Eventually dessert comes out and I had to do something that I wasn't exactly sure how great the response would be. I've never seen Taylor get mad or even more than a little upset. I hope this won't change that.

"Taylor, I have to admit something" I say taking a piece of paper from my pocket. She nods and I continue. "I took a page out one your notebooks because I wanted a reminder of who you are and how hard you fought. And I wanted to give it back" I say trying to give it to her. She shoves it back and shakes her head.

"Keep it. It's the past now. I've learned the lesson. But can I ask which entry you kept" she wonders.

"Do you want me to read it" I offer. She nods and I start,

"March 17th, 2009.

Ignoring a problem doesn't make it go away. It doesn't make it any less of an issue. It doesn't fix anything. I should know that better than anyone. I've become so good at hiding things that I've even convinced myself that nothing is bothering me. But that doesn't mean there is no problem, it just means that it's forgotten about for now just to be resurfaced later. Holding things back is dangerous. They have to come out eventually and when it's been held down for so long it comes out in a way worse than it originally would have happened. I rather just ignore the bad things and focus on what makes me happy. I don't want to be anything besides happy, so things that threaten that are ignored. I struggle with opening up even to myself. I just can't seem to put my finger on it, but I'm different. I don't see things the way other people see them. I don't know how to explain it... It's like I shut down the part of me that most people rely on. If people ask if I'm okay my impulse reaction is to say that I'm fine. Am I really? Probably not, but they are my issues so I keep them to myself. And by that I mean I try to forget them until they come back again. Most of my problems are self inflicted, meaning I caused them. I've learned that the best way to stay away from problems is getting rid of the things that cause those problems. Growing up my problems were the ones of the people around me. But I found out the best way to help them was to help myself, so I cut a lot of ties with people. Became more distant. Yeah, I don't have a lot of interaction between people now but I'm in a better position to help them when they need me. But I've become my own worst enemy in the process. At the same time I'm the only one I really trust. If that wasn't true I wouldn't be writing this 5 hours before I need to be up, now would I? More to the point, my problems are caused by me. I'm sometimes irresponsible, I often bite off more than I can chew, I make promises I probably can't fulfill, and I procrastinate. My problems aren't huge, they just pile up over time and it becomes overwhelming. So instead of fixing these things I push them to the side or forget about them. I love to act like nothing is wrong because after a while I actually believe that. I'm honestly afraid to fail, afraid that someone's really going to need me and I won't be there for them, most of all I'm scared to know the answer. Afraid of being let down like I have been so many times before. It hurts. Expecting something but getting nothing. It's honestly so painful. So I act like I don't care. I tell myself that it's okay if things don't work out the way I imagined. I comfort myself so that no matter what happens I have something to look forward to.  I guess what I'm trying to say is that my problems aren't solved. They're still there building up in me. And no matter how hard I want to forget them they will still be there until I solve them. Not ignore them or forget them, but fix them. My problems aren't unfixable. I'm sure if I asked for help things would be better. That's not who I am though. I don't rely on other people because they aren't me. These aren't their problems therefore it isn't their job to find the solutions."

I finish and look up to see a tear fall. I quickly catch it and she closes her eyes.  "I remember that night so vividly. That was the closest I have ever been to giving up. Then I remembered why I held on for so long in the first place. Why I hadn't quit yet" she explains. She looks so weak. What was once confidence is fear. What was once was a yes is a I don't know. She is so unsure and I felt bad for bringing it up.

All the sudden the Taylor I knew was back. I know she meant what she said and I'm so happy she is getting better. I grab her hand and pull her out of the booth and into the street.

"Hey now watch the knee" she laughs and we begin to walk holding hands. "Thank you, for everything" she says kicking a rock.

"I will tell you this every day until the day I die but I love you. I love you more than anything and I want a future with you." We stop walking and I look at her and smile.

"It's me and you kid" I say then gently kissing her.