Theater of self-knowledge

Who you are

>>All at once,
everything looks different.
Now that I see you.......
.....Now that I see you.

Holding hands, Rapunzel and Flynn get lost in each other's eyes as they finish singing their love song. Flynn caresses softly Rapunzel's face and their faces draw near to each other. They never lose sight of each other. Finally, the music fades out and Rapunzel and Flynn kiss passionately.

Thomas and Ally are as happy together as Rapunzel and Flynn. They surprise each other with cute little presents, sweet kisses and hearty words, every now and then. Enjoying every second, they spend a lot of time together, on stage and behind it. <<

At least it was like this for a long time. But one day, something changed. After one and a half months of rehearsing, Thomas suddenly stops, just before Flynn should kiss Rapunzel.
"I can't do this." Thomas says turning away from me.
"What's wrong?" I wonder, looking at him discomposedly. Thomas stands up and wants to leave the stage.
"Thomas?" I inquire again.
"Ally," Thomas sighs, turning around and looking at me.
"I don't want to hurt you."
"Why should you, honey?" I ask worried.
"This is our play. We have to act like this, it's in the script. So, what's wrong?"
"Guys, can we just stop rehearsing for today, please?" Thomas asks the stage director and the technician. They agree and Jay, Leo and Kelly leave the stage. Thomas and I walk through the theater and sit down on some chairs at the very back of the grandstand.

"What's wrong with you, sweetheart?" I look in his eyes. They look worried and sad.
"You know that I won't play with the feelings of others. So, I don't want to play with yours." Thomas explains but I don't get him.
"What do you mean? Get to the point, sweetie." I ask him to get more detailed.
"I don't love you anymore." he admits. I am shocked. Looking at him with questions in my eyes, I try to arrange the mess he produced.
"Wait... What?" I ask incredulous and cannot believe what he said. I don't want to believe what he just told me. Even though I try my best to stay strong, I tear up.
"My feelings changed." Thomas explains, looking in my eyes with a look full of sorrow and ministration.
"You still are very important to me and I still love you, but as a soul sister and not as a girlfriend"'
"Is there a reason why your feelings changed?" I sob and ask myself if I did something wrong. My silent reproaches become stronger when Thomas nods quietly. His eyes glitter like a deep sea which reflects the sunlight. It is not a joyful glitter but a sad one. He seems to suffer with me deep inside of his heart.
"Leo." Thomas says in a low voice.
"Leo?" I repeat interrogative.
"We spent a lot of time together during the rehearsals and we laughed so much backstage. I got to know him. And I learned to love him." Thomas narrates. I nod absorbed in thought.
"So, it's over?" A tear flows over m cheek. I don't really want to have an answer to this question. Thomas seems to notice that.
"I'm sorry." he seemingly wants to say something more, but he can't find words.
I stand up, go past Thomas and leave the theater. Luckily, we shifted the rehearsal on tomorrow.
"Ally!" He wants to hold me back but I keep on clearing out.

Hours go fast like seconds and I stay at home, sitting on my bed. Did I fail at keeping our relationship alive? Was it my fault that he broke up with me? Was it my fault that he fell in love with another person? These thoughts almost poison me and I cannot wash them away with all my tears that flow over my cheeks. Crumpling my blanket, I stare at the wall in front of me and think of all these memories with Thomas. Everything seems so unreal, like "Once upon a dream".
A few minutes later, Nicky knocks on my door and asks, if I'm okay. I didn't tell her that Thomas broke up. But I will tell her now. I grab a sheet of paper and a pen and begin to scribble a short message:

Dear Nicky,
Thomas broke up with me today. I want to be alone for a few hours. Thanks for your succor.
Ally

I fold the paper twice and push it through the gap beneath the door. While I wait for Nicky to read the message I go back to my bed and immure myself in my blanket. I feel awful right now.
"Oh no, Ally!" Nicky says suddenly.
"I am so sorry. That is really bad. I get you that you want to be alone. But before I go, I just want to tell you that you can talk to me about whatever you want whenever you want. Trust me, I am always here for you." she says and goes away.
Nicky is such a good friend for me. She understands me, accepts my decision (almost every time) without any critics and she is always there for me when I need somebody to talk to. I am unbelievably happy to have her as my friend and cohabiter. She would talk to me about the break up whenever I want to and I truly appreciate that.
Suddenly, my mobile phone beeps. Who wants to talk to me now? Why? I ask myself and take my mobile phone. Looking at the screen, I see that Thomas sent a message. Do I really want to know what he wants to tell me now? Maybe he wants to quit our friendship because he thinks that I cannot stand being next to him after he broke up with me. Unblocking my mobile phone, I see that he sent me a photo.
He sits in his bedroom, wearing a white T-Shirt with black sleeves and looks right into the camera. The sun shines through the window. The blind is shut down but open, so you can see stripes of light on his hair, cheek and shoulder. His look is worried and grief-stricken, apologetic and fond. Underneath his photo, there is a message saying:
"We'll remain friends, right?"
I don't know what I should answer to this question. Actually, I want to be alone. He broke my heart. Seeing him flirting with Leo may drive me potty. Who knows if I will be able to focus on the play without getting frustrated because the kiss is only professional and not private any longer?
Argh, let's face it. I cannot deceive myself. I may stumble and fall ever now and then but nevertheless....
I take my mobile phone and answer:
"Sure."

One day later, we all meet again for the daily rehearsal. As always, I hug Jay, Kelly and Leo heartily. Then Thomas stands in front of me and wants to welcome me. I look at him painful but affectionately. We don't hug each other. We don't even shake hands. We just smile for a second at look at each other. Thomas looks at me solicitously while I answer his glance sentimentally.

"What's wrong with you?" Jay wonders.
"Why don't you kiss?" Kelly asks.
Thomas and I give each other a regretful glance.
"We seperated." I explain.
"I broke it off with her." Thomas corrects me and stresses the word "I". He puts straight that I am innocent.
Jay, Kelly and Leo look at us unbelievingly. Obviously, they ask themselves if we said the same as they heard.
"Why? What happened?" Kelly asks shocked.
"Did you fight?"Leo digs deeper. I shake my head.
"Thomas doesn't love me anymore." I narrate while I cannot stop looking at his deep brown eyes.
"The last days showed me that my heart belongs to someone else now." Thomas continues and looks steadily at Leo. His look is passionate and truly affectionate.
"We separated in peace and we will remain friends." I bear witness.
"We only need some time to get back to the reality."
Leo and Thomas look at each other for a long time and seem to communicate without words. If that's possible at all. Nobody says anything. But everybody bemoans our breakup. Then the stage director calls us to enter the stage. We go to our cabinets and try to be professional.

"Thomas?" I address him as Jay and Kelly leave. He looks at me with a friendly smile.
"I just want you to know that I am totally fine with your bisexuality. I don't think that it's something rude or bad or something. I wish you good luck, no matter who you love. Because the only thing that matters for me is that you love anybody and that you always remain the person you are."
Thomas lies his hand on his chest.
"Wow, thank you so much, Ally." he says touched.
"That really means a lot to me."
"I hope that you'll find what you're looking for." I smile, glance at Leo and go to my cabinet.

"Thomas!" Leo shouts as Thomas wants to leave. Thomas turns around to him, wondering what Leo is going to say.
"I might hug other guys, laugh with other guys and hang out with other guys, but I want that you know one thing for sure: None of them will ever mean to me as much as you do."
"Aww, that's so cute. Thanks, man!" Thomas blushes.
"You feel the same for me, don't you?" Leo asks warily.
"How do you know that I fell in love with you?" Thomas looks at Leo affectionately.
"I didn't know that. I hoped it."
"Well, then..." Thomas smiles benignly.

" Let's go."