Book of Poems

Death Is My Shadow

I am diseased,
I am sick,
Sick in the mind,
This is my illness,
They call it depression,
I call it "Nothing",
Because that is what it is,
Stop trying to make it a physical thing.

This is what people say,
What they say about me,
They say I just need help,
I just need therapy.

Don't they know I have tried,
But it seems to no avail,
This sickness inside of me,
Grows without fail.

I have accepted now,
That I cannot be cured,
They disagree with me,
Say I need more time,
Can they not see?

What do think?
Are you like them,
Unable to understand,
But still try to fix,
Fix something you cannot know,
Who are you to say,
About what I need,
You do not know me,
You do not know how I feed.

There is a darkness inside of me,
Inside of my soul,
A nightmare, that upon waking, I can still see,
It is a nightmare that plagues my dreams,
Deep in my mind these nightmares run free.

What do you think?
It sounds painful right?
A place full of sadness, anger, and fear?
But what you don't know is it's not as simple as it seems,
It's simpler than that,
That there is only nothing.
You do not feel
You do not care,
There is only apathy,
Emotion is rare.

I cannot explain,
But I will try,
I'll show you what he showed me,
That there is nothing,
On the other side.

I have seen him,
A shadow in my life,
A life that wastes each breath,
And who else to follow me,
Than the man we call death?

They say you don't have a choice,
That eventually all of our lives will end,
That is a lie,
For I chose death,
This is why.

I was afraid,
In the beginning,
Which is why I was around for so long,
Then came the sickness,
And I could not wait to be gone.

To leave this place,
This shell,
If you think we're in heaven,
You're wrong, we're in hell.

Of Course you don't know this,
Because you live your life in light,
While I rot in this body,
Out in the cold night.

This is how I feel all of the time,
It is normal for me,
Most people are content,
They wake up happy everyday,
I've never had that,
It is not my way.

But that is life,
For those lucky people,
If you think I hate them,
You could not be more wrong,
For as I said I feel nothing,
I've felt nothing for so long.

To be honest though,
I would like nothing more than to be one of those people,
But the sickness
Sickness in my mind,
Has caused to think
That I don't deserve something so kind.

I am stuck in the nothingness
Stuck with my dark soul,
Maybe if you look closer,
You'll see it is black like coal.

So I waited for him,
For a long long while,
I was all giddy,
Like a small child.

To take away my conscience,
My life,
My soul,
Completely destroy me,
That was my goal.

He finally came for me
He was here,
I was so excited,
I couldn't wait to be there.

I was naive,
Why I thought it would all end,
Is beyond me,
For the truth lied ahead.

He was my caretaker,
That's what I thought,
He was going to take me away,
But then I saw,
But then he showed me,
Where I was going,
And it was that nothing,
That same nothing that I live in now,
But bigger,
Scarier,
All consuming,
The life I knew was just a barrier.

So, I guess in a strange way,
There I found my will to live,
Because that place that I saw,
Was someplace no one should be,
I feel like I still am there,
I guess I was always doomed to carry a piece of it with me.

I still don't want to be here,
That hasn't changed,
But I don't want to be there
So here I will remain.

Maybe in hopes,
That I will get better,
So maybe before I go
Go permanently,
Go forever,
I will have something with me,
Something I could take,
Tuck away in my soul,
So when I am there,
I will not fully reside in nothing,
Because of a sliver of light,
Because of something.

I still look for it,
Even to this day,
I struggle to find it,
But that's okay.

I do not blame him,
I am not angry with him,
I do not hate him,
For he showed me the truth,
The reality behind this fake life,
To give us a chance,
All of us a chance,
To find some piece,
No matter how small,
Of constant euphoria,
So when the life in our eyes have fled,
We will not be truly alone,
Even though we are dead.

I hope you know that this isn't a happy ending,
I don't know if it ever will be.
But because of him,
Here I will remain,
I still have a chance,
To change this sickened mind,
A mind that I feel I cannot mend,
So for now he will stay with me,
Because death is my friend.