Rooftops - A Year In The Making

Chapter 10 - Alone, but not alone

What have I done! The scars that used to cover just past my elbow have traveled to almost shoulder now. The scabs that showed healing and hope have gone, replaced by fresh redness and swelling. A constant supply of new hurt and pain to remind me of what a failure I am. The old scars that I abandoned on my thighs have made an appearance again, scarring for good on my pale skin I'm sure.

Before I had the battle, between head and heart. Heart telling me, it's not me, it's not my fault, it's going to be okay. My head, the opposite. Now the hearts gone. Replaced with an army to fight not against my head, but with it.  Taking it over, making it stronger, and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

Mum doesn't help, she just laughs. Like when she was punching me in the ribs, I can't remember what for, probably just got another bill come through the door.  She noticed the marks on my little body..

"Oh, that cause of me, huh?!"
"No m -cough- um" I splutter gasping for air.
"Course it's not, it's you, ya little bitch. Yer the reason I'm like thiss, hat to din-I, cause o you, cause your such a litter brat."

I choke at the strong smell of alcohol in my face,
"Yes mum"
"Don't fucking answer me back, I'm goin out, back on Friday, and this place better be clean or yer cuts won't be the only thing herting ya!"  

Of course the cuts are never the only thing hurting anyone.  No-one would do it for no reason, and the little cuts bare the reminder that the real hurt is inside, your mind.  More and more pained every time you bring a blade to your own skin, because in order to hurt yourself, your brain must be so damaged that it doesn't know any better.

She didn't leave money, she didn't say bye.

That was Monday. She's left me for longer than that before but never with warning. Usually because she gets to drunk and ends up somewhere she has no idea how to get back from. I don't know where she is, and I don't really care.

I haven't been out on the roof since what happened, but today was a particularly bad day at school so I decide to sit out for a bit. The electric meter ran out, so the little food in the fridge has gone and there's been no TV or music, the soft movement of the leaves becomes my music as I sit in the breeze .

It's the first day that the sun has appeared since I went to Fieldley. After that it's been raining and miserable. The clouds shielding us from the sun. But today is different, the clouds have disappeared, heating the tiles up for the first time in about a week. It's not strong sun, like at the start of the holidays, but it's enough.

As I get warmer I take off my hoodie, revealing my black and white striped long sleeved top, which I'm too scared to roll up. I lay down on the gentle slop of the roof and close my eyes. I don't intend to close my eyes, but I do.

"Achooo!"
"Ahh" It's not entirely the shock that sends me falling, it's the fact that I had my eyes closed and when they peel themselves open, the sun glares into them. Forcing them to shut again. But, it does shock me, and it does send me falling from the top of the slope to the bottom.

I know this garage roof like the back of my hand, however, with my eyes glued shut and having just woken up I don't stand a chance against gravity. By the time my eyes are just squinting I know it's to late, I've jumped it before so there's no point trying, I except the hit.  I'm used to it.

Then comes shock number three, a hand, gentle but firm wrapped around my wrist. There's no doubt who it is but how did she get here so fast?  When I finally look up into her sea blue eyes she looks back into mine, even more shocked than me and that small glimmer of emotion returning.
"Sorry, I have allergies" She says, hauling me up onto the roof. Then my sleeve gets caught in one of the nails of the gutter. The strong metal no match for my old, worn down fabric, and tearing it up the sleeve to my elbow. Unknowingly she continues to pull me to safety as I hold my left arm to my side, trying to conceal my secrets.

We crawl to the usual spot quickly without making a sound, me , shaken. She takes my arm into her touch and starts to observe the rip but I try to pull away, embarrassed of what she'll find. That's when she sees them. The thousands of fresh wounds jumping out of my skin. Her initial reaction to gasp. But she retains her usual, calm self and looks me straight in the eye.

I can see the thoughts in her fighting for the best thing to say, an unhelpful apology like most others?  Comforting words saying 'I can change'?  Questions?  I see her lips peel open into that beautiful smile imprinted onto my memory as she decides.

"Riley, your not perfect, maybe a 9 out of 10" I smile at the rating she gives me. "But I'm that 1 you need"

My mouth falls open, amazed and overwhelmed. Then the truest smile I have ever smiled fills my face, lighting hers up too. Before I know it her arms are around me, my lungs filled with her sweet smell and my arms filled with her beautiful embrace.
"I love you Riley" I hear whispered into my ear softly.  My heart racing enough for the both of us I look deep into my mixed bag of emotions to find what was there since the day I met her.

"I love you too"