Into My Own

Forty-Three

"Coda, what's wrong with you? You've had this pissed off look on your face all day and it's driving me crazy."

As Oakley had observed, I was still clinging to what little strength I had drawn from putting on the cowboy hat the day before. Though it was still there, the hard shell of determination was eroding and cracking and my inner hysteria was close to pouring out.

"Oakley, I can't talk about it right now. Not at work," I explained quietly but firmly. "I won't be able to hold it together."

Never one to hide her emotions well, Oakley's pretty face crumpled as if she could feel my pain without even knowing what was going on. I aimlessly flipped through a feed catalogue as she disappeared into the back room.

She returned a few moments later, a determined look on her face. "Blake said we should come over and practice tonight."

Instead of fighting her like I normally would, I agreed quickly. Who knew what was currently going on at my house. If it was bad, I certainly didn't want to be a witness.

When my mother had made no indication of sobering up I had gone to stay with Tommy and Charlie and Torrin had done the same with one of his friends.

I met five o'clock with a ridiculous amount of relief. Holding it all together was exhausting.

Oakley followed me out to the parking lot after we closed up. "Meet you at Kellan's?"

I nodded and got in my pickup without a word. Though unlike me, I drove with the radio turned off. There were too many things tumbling around in my brain to handle another sound.

By then I had been to the Dace home enough times that all of my movements were automatic. It actually took me somewhat by surprise to realize that I was sitting in their driveway.

Kellan opened my door with a worried look and enveloped me in a hug before I could do anything.

"Are you okay?" He murmured in my ear.

I sucked in a deep breath and returned his tight embrace.

Blake was conversing with Oakley next to her car when I finally let go of Kellan and crawled out.

She immediately perked up at the sight of me and ran over for a tight hug.

"Hey, cowgirl. I'm starting to get used to you being at my house all the time," she grinned.

"My house," Kellan coughed, earning a slug in the stomach.

"It's still too hot to rope. We should go chill downstairs for a while," Blake decided, already leading the way towards the house.

The three of us followed, making quite the ruckus.

Mrs. Dace appeared and wrapped me in a hug without a word before ushering us towards the basement door.

"So, what's going on?" Blake asked, settling cross legged across from me on the couch.

I released a long breath as three pairs of blue eyes fixed on me.

"Well, my family's gone to shit."

Oakley's pretty face wrinkled but she didn't interrupt.

"Did Torrin move out or something?" Kellan prodded gently.

"Basically. At least I know he's not at home right now."

"Is that what's bothering you?"

I shook my head miserably. "My parents are getting divorced."

"Oh, honey..." Oakley moved in to wrap both arms around me.

I sniffled. "Mom cheated on dad. And I didn't know it until yesterday."

"That's why they're calling it quits?" Kellan clarified.

I shook my head slightly. "It's a lot of things... Mom's been drinking lately. And she's a bad drunk--horrible, actually."

Blake nodded sympathetically.

I sucked in a breath, hoping to draw the courage to pour out the whole sob story of my mother's drinking escapades.

"When I was eight, she fell off the wagon. Literally lost it, got drunk and decided to take it out on me. Long story short, dad told her if she ever did anything like that again he was kicking her out," I choked down a sob. "And after the whole deal with Ryker she started drinking again and it's been...bad..."

Oakley flung herself at me. "Oh, honey... Why didn't you tell us?"

I shrugged. "Figured it'd all blow over sooner or later. I definitely didn't want to worry anybody."

"Dammit, Coda! That's what we're here for!" Blake exclaimed. "Friends worry about each other. It's what they do. If you didn't want to tell us because you thought we'd be annoyed then you're fucking delusional!"

I flinched as if she'd just slapped me.

"I didn't mean it like that," Blake amended at my look of pain. "I just...I hate seeing you hurting. And we all want to help. You just have to let us!"

Oakley nodded vehemently in agreement.

"I know we can come off as real assholes but we do care," Blake finished softly.

All I could do was nod but I burst into tears anyway.

I couldn't remember the last time I'd had friends who really cared about me like this. Yes, the boys cared. But they weren't the kind to ask me what was going on. It made them uncomfortable to discuss anything related to emotions. They'd much rather know the basic story and then go beat the shit out of whoever or whatever had me hurting.

The three exchanged alarmed glances as I sobbed in the middle of our little huddle on the leather couch.

"Coda, what's the matter? Did we say something wrong?" Kellan questioned frantically.

"I--just--nobody cares--and--you--guys--do..." I choked out.

"Of course we care!" Oakley exclaimed, hugging me even tighter, as if it was humanly possible.

I sat there bawling for who knows how long. Kellan played gently with my hair while Oakley clutched at my waist with all her might and Blake leaned her head on my shoulder over top of Oakley.

Mrs. Dace emerged from the hallway, looking just as alarmed as her son had moments before.

"Honey, what's going on?" She gently pushed her way in between Kellan and I and forced me to look at her.

"My--parents--are--getting--divorced. And--these guys are--so nice to me--and I don't know why!"

Oakley looked up with her big blue puppy dog eyes. "Because we love you."

That only made me cry harder.