Shades of Blue

Life updates

Yes this is feelings..
If you don't like it I don't really care
This is for me not you. Obviously.

Anyway

2015 was my year it seemed
I got out of an extremely abusive relationship
Decided to stop looking for love and of course when I least expected it and definitely was least prepared.
It hit me

And I know I know
I fall in love WAY too easy
But. This one was different. Just trust me on this one okay?

Anyway. Sparks flew :) maybe more details will come on that. Maybe not. Who knows what will be written here.
And he swept me off of my feet
We've been going strong (1 year and 2 months now to be exact) and I couldn't be better

Then.

A past force walks back in

Unintentionally of course he wins me over like always
He never means to
Or at least I like to think so

This time it really was no harm no fowl
And I told myself
"Jessica, you got something good going for you. Don't. Fuck. It. Up"

And what do I do? Well I haven't fucked it up yet if that's what you're asking

But I have fallen hopelessly In love with this past force. Like always. Every. Single. Time. He comes around. I don't know if it's cause he was my first love. Or it's really meant to be. Or what. I don't mind of course. I'm just confused and id really like to know what the hell kind of a plan someone upstairs has in store for me right now

Mainly cause I'm confused. I just need a little guidance

But it will be okay. I trust it.

I'm stuck on this song too right now you know
It's called 11 Blocks
And it describes my feelings on this situation perfectly.

"11 blocks from my door to your doorstep..3 years later it still feels too close.....and I found someone and swear I'm In love but..I just can't stop it's just 11 blocks and I know that you're home I swear you're a drug"

Seriously my life. Why. Why?

Plus it doesn't help that you and I swear up and down we are going to have this "sober thoughts" conversation about how you've felt about this and how you've been feeling all this time but you're avoiding it and me on the subject like the plague. I don't blame you, it's touchy. But it's getting harder and harder for me to be less confused and more in the know when we aren't having as much open communication as we should on the subject.

Maybe you hopefully come across this one day I don't know. So that you know at least. Like "oh, man, I wish I would have known you were just confused. Not clingy" I don't know. Sometimes I hope people see it like I see it.

"My mind won't stop its just 11 blocks.."
God it's so true though. The world has no idea. I don't even know if you have any idea. Is it just me?

On the other hand there's him. This amazing being that deserves nothing but my absolute ultimate best. God I love him. I miss him so much right now.. It's kind of why I felt like writing tonight lol :)
He's actually snoring over the phone while I type. How cute lol.

We haven't been able to see each other as much lately and I know it's getting to the both of us, honey. For that I'm sorry
I haven't stayed in much contact. Not cause I don't want to, but because I feel clingy and needy and like I'm bugging you.
Then again you feel the same so you haven't stayed in much contact either.
We haven't been able to see each other much either. And every time we do though, everything is instantly 100 times better and I know you feel the same way about that.

I just miss you tamaryon. Honestly.

You always look at me and ask me how I'm feeling or what I want or why I look sad or what's wrong but you never believe me when I say I... I just freaking miss you so much.

I miss your arms around me.. I miss your kisses on the cheek when you call me baby girl or kitten.. I miss your voice.. I miss your warmth.. I miss your sweet scent.. I miss your face.. I miss your kiss.. I miss your silly hats and the way you wear them.. I miss your personality.. I miss your weirdness.. I miss your random "mine" pokes.. I miss your video game silly-ness.. I miss the way you look at me when I do something you think is cute.. I miss when you say you love me.. I miss....... I miss EVERYTHING.

My brain is just so stuck right now no matter what my heart wants. And I'm sorry to both of you. Even though we all know what's going on. T and I will be together forever probably unless something else goes wrong or pops up unexpectedly. And you will have played me a little and then forgotten all about me until you get lonely again like always. Not to say that in a bad way. But take a step back that's honestly how it happens. That's why I wish I knew how you felt. Like.. Am I just another person on your hitlist, just rewritten a few times? Or do you actually care for me. Yeah that would be nice to know.

Confusion sucks.

Love sucks worse. But who would I be without it I guess lol

I love you Tamaryon Delachan Lawrence.
And to the unnamed person that knows who they are. We should have that talk. We really need to stop avoiding it, please.

Goodnight world unless I end up feeling like writing anymore.

-Jess ❤️

Update number 1 to this:  I was just rereading some old things on here and just look at how far we've come as people. From overdramatic, head-over-heels for all the wrong people teenagers to full blown adults with set straight minds. Wow. I hope we can look back on the past and learn from it but also realize how young and unprepared we were and how far we've come now. Okay? Okay.