Shades of Blue

Time

Right now there's just a lot of time. Well, not really. We actually don't have a lot of time at all. Not in my head. In yours though, we have all the time we could possibly ask for. There's a lot of things to do with both fabrics of time we have in our head.

Mine.
I want to be with you now.
I am committed to you now.
I want to spend my life with you now.
I want to see you now.
Reasoning?
I don't know if I'll wake up tomorrow. I don't know if you'll get back and change your mind. I don't know if you'll wake up tomorrow. People change and plans change, and I don't know if the big promises will be broken because our plans changed. I don't know if we'll be here. I really don't know.
So I'm sitting here trying my hardest to be in a relationship with you now and get the most out of our time together now. But it's not working. And I'm getting frustrated and heart broken and hurt.
Let's move on.

Yours.
You want to be with me now, but just the same as if we were still In high school. You know, go on dates, see each other on your schedule, and do whatever.
You don't want to be committed to me now, because you feel as if it takes a man to be committed, and the military will somehow make you a man, when I already see that person inside you.
You don't want to spend your life with me now, again the military thing. But mostly you say you aren't ready financially and that's what makes your decision. Not your emotions. Which is what should.
You don't want to see me now. Don't ask me why, cause I don't know. But if it matters, it seems as if everything else takes priority above this relationship.. soo
Reasoning?
Good question. What is the military going to do for you besides give you money and a brotherhood? Now don't get me wrong, I completely understand the military actually gives you lots of things In return for your service, including emotional things. However, they aren't paying for us to fix this relationship. They don't provide me a brotherhood or emotional support. They don't provide an easy fix for time for us. They don't.
Only we can fix that.
When I ask you when Can I spend some damn alone time with you before you leave, why do you think it's completely okay for the answer to be "when I get back". It's not. Big surprise.
That hurts.
That statement right there is what tells me you aren't committed to me.
Why?
I sit here and want to be alone with you for 8 hours.
You tell me, wait till I get back.
For being gone for 3 months, I think 8 hours is not a burden for you.
Why do I have to wait for you to be committed to me?
Don't get me wrong, I don't want to leave you, and made a promise that I wouldn't. But, tell me why anyone would stay if they aren't committed to a relationship.
I'm not here to play high school games. I'm here for the long haul. I'm not going to say yes to someone that keeps breaking the little promises, because how am I supposed to know they won't break the big ones? I'm not going to be with someone that can't put in the commitment and motivation that I put in, because I refuse to be the only one. Sorry, but that's just the way a two way street relationship goes.
I love you, I do, but I really need you to step up now, prove that you're committed to me and this relationship, and prove to me that you're the man I need you to be. Now. Not later. Or there probably won't be a later in our future.

I love you,
Forever yours
Jess 🔵