Made for You

TWELVE (1)

“Mag-hiwalay na tayo, Quin. Nagkamali ako nang pinakasalan kita”

I can’t explain how her words stabbed my heart. I was dumbfounded for some seconds.

I try to hold her hands but she didn’t let me. It feels like I am in front of a different woman. This is not my wife. My Maria Adelina Raquel Astrid won’t say those words, no matter how hurt she is. My Mara might hurt me physically, but she’ll never regret marrying me. We promised in front of the people we love and the God we worship, that we’ll love each other no matter what happen.

“You don’t mean it” I said in a small and shaking voice. I just stood there and bowed my head. I can’t stand to look at her cold piercing eyes.

“Have you seen my daughter? She’s suffering because of you. You failed as a husband and you failed as a father. You’re a worthless piece of shit, Quintin. Because of you, my daughter is suffering. Your irresponsibility brought her life in danger” she’s not yelling at me but I feel like she’s ripping every bits of me with her words. “If I only knew that you’ll bring disaster in my life, I won’t marry you. I regret the day that I gave you my all”

I tightly closed my eyes. I let the tears fall. Human can cry when they are hurt. And I am badly hurt at this time.

“Leave me alone. I don’t want to see you” she coldly said before she laid on the bed then she turned her back on me.

I want to hug her. I want to assure her that everything will be alright. But how can I do that if I, myself doubt it.

I gave her what she wants. I stepped out of her room.

“Quintin” Mama uttered when she saw me. “Nakausap mo na si Mara?” she worriedly asked.

I tried to smile at her. “Can I see her?”

I can clearly see her sadness despite my tears. Her eyes express how terrible the situation is. And I feel a tight knot on my stomach. I can feel my heart sinking while Mama and I are walking to where the NICU is.

“Kung anuman ang sinabi ni Mara, ‘wag mo masyadong intindihin. Postnatal syndrome” Mama gently said.

“Naiintindihan ko naman po s’ya, Mama. Kasalanan ko naman po talaga” I said with a lump in my throat.

I flattened my palm on the glass window where I can see my little angel. She’s so little and she looks so fragile. I can’t help but cry as I see how she is. There are tubes attached to her. Mama explained to me what those are for. She needs them to survive. My little princess is in a critical situation. And everything is my fault. I should have known better than upsetting my pregnant wife.

Mara is right. I am nothing but a failure.

“Mara named her Quilla Alexis” Mama said while rubbing my back.

I leaned my forehead at the cold glass window. “That’s a beautiful name” I cried.

I let myself cry all the pain. I am beginning to loath myself. I put my daughter in that situation. I am a worthless piece of shit. Just like what Mara said.

“I’m sorry” I cried. “I’m so sorry for being a failure”

“It’s not your fault, Quintin. Walang may gusto nito. At wala ding mangyayari kung magsisisihan tayo. And dapat at magkaisa tayo. Mas makabubuti iyon para sa apo ko” Mama calmly said.

I stayed near my daughter. I am sure that Mara won’t appreciate me around her. I don’t want to upset her further. She deserve all the space she’s asking for. She needs time to heal. And I don’t want to push myself on her. I did enough damage.

“How’s she?” Yano asked after sitting beside me.

I don’t know how he knew that I am here. Part of me is blaming him. But I know that it’s still my fault.

“Do you know why it is critical to give birth in eighth month than in seventh?” I asked him in a calm tone. I am blankly staring at nowhere.

I heard him cleared his throat. “From what I heard, it’s because the lungs are still developing in that stage. There’s a balloon-like something inside that lungs that expands when we inhaled and deflate when we exhaled. Then there’s this lubricant-like thing inside the balloon, and during the thirty-second week, the production of the lubricant-like thing is under progress”

“And my daughter was born without enough of those lubricant-like thing. So there’s a tendency that when she exhale, the walls within the balloons will stick together and it will prevent her from taking enough oxygen. That might suffocate her. And she needs the machine to keep her from breathing. And I am the one to be blamed for putting her in that condition” I said with full of remorse. “And it fucking hurts that I can’t do anything about it. That no mater how I regret things, it won’t do anything good for her”

“I-I’m sorry, bro” he said in a small voice. I felt his hand on my shoulder. “Can I do something for you?”

I sarcastically laugh. “Find me a devil I can trade my soul for the salvation of my daughter. Can you do that?” I asked him with fluent sarcasm. “I should have listened to my wife when she told me that you won’t do me any good”

“Quin” he uttered. Hurt is evident in his voice.

I sighed then I bowed my head. “I’m sorry, bro. I shouldn’t blame you”

“No. I forced you to stay with us. It’s all my fault. I didn’t expect that this will happen” he sighed. “I think I should see your wife to apologize”

“You better not. You’ll just make things work. Just stay away from us for now” I said.

He stayed with me for an hour or two. He bought foods for us. I don’t have the appetite so I just had a coffee.

“Umuwi ka na muna sa bahay, Quin” Mama worriedly said after draping a blanket around my shoulder.

“I’ll stay here, Mama. I want to be here for my wife. I know I am too late, but I want to make up for everything I lack. I’m sorry, Mama” I sincerely said.

Tears roll down her face but she quickly wiped them away. “Quintin, gusto kong hilingin sa’yo na ‘wag mong sukuan si Mara. Matigas ang ulo n’ya at ayaw n’yang making. Galit s’ya sa’yo ngayon pero alam ko na kailangan ka n’ya. Higit ka n’yang kailangan sa ngayon” she pleaded.

“I would never leave her side again, Mama. No matter what’s on stake” I gently smiled at her. “I love her. I love everything about her”

And that’s a promise I intend to keep.      

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September 12, 2016 (Monday) – 19:52