I Told You, Eli Oxley

Chapter Twenty-Nine

Ok, maybe I need to explain myself a little further. Even though I had been cheating on Al and Kara with each other, I wasn't completely heartless. And, believe it or not, I did know right from wrong. Maybe I had different moral standards than many people – no, scratch that – I had not created for myself a set list of moral standards, which left me floundering around, unsure of what to do. I had nothing to hold on to to keep me afloat. I knew that what I was doing with Al and Kara was wrong, which ultimately helped me put an end to my relationship with Kara, but I didn't have a strong enough conviction to not let it happen in the first place.

I did, however, have enough conviction to cast my own desires of getting my money for college back (for the moment, at least) so that I could help others in dire need. These women were obviously being used by the government for experiments. To what end, I didn't know, but with the condition they were in, it couldn't be charitable. So I led the initiative to set the women free. The others needed a little convincing, but Gabe gave me the go-ahead, which led David, Brett and JT to step in line with me.

***

It was an awkward first few minutes for me (and for my dad, I imagine). My dad stood in the doorway probably long enough to realize that he was just standing in the doorway staring at his son. He let out a mere "Eli", a reaction that was half surprise, half . . . annoyance? He put his briefcase down next to the large, wooden rolltop desk that sat in the dining room-turned-office. He then went into the kitchen to wash out his coffee mug and began talking without looking directly at me. Something was up with him. But maybe that's just how you act when you're hiding something – always on guard, afraid those closest to you will see through your deception if you look at them long enough.

"So what brings you to this part of town?" he said.

"Thought I would stop by, you know, check on the family – see how you are doing."

"Huh."

"Yeah, so . . . how're you doing?"

"Same ol' same ol'."

"Nothing different?"

"Nope," he said.

What an exhilarating conversation, right? With my dad's back turned still, I noticed his keycard's lanyard hanging out of his back pocket. It was that TN Vol orange, a color that would normally stick out to someone, but I had seen it nearly every day the previous several years, so the color was just as bland as my dad's khakis. In that moment, though, the color meant something. It could be the color of freedom for some, or it could be the color of confusion and accusation from my dad at best, imprisonment at worst, if I got caught at any stage of the process of using the keycard. It bounced and swung as my dad emptied the dishwasher.

Without another word, my dad went to his bedroom, leaving me standing there. I went to the living room and sat on the edge of our brown leather couch – that thing was butt-ugly, but super comfortable. A few minutes later, my dad came back into the living room, without the orange lanyard protruding from his pants.

"So what really brings you here, Eli? I feel like you got something on your mind."

I didn't expect him to be so forward like that. Like he knew what I was up to and wanted to push back. So I panicked and blurted out a mess of jumbled words in a shoot first, aim later method. "Girl problems with girls two girls Al and this other girl Kara they're great. I mean . . . ," I finally slowed down and trailed off. I'm surprised I didn't accidentally scream at him. Side note: When put on the spot, the first thing that comes out of your mouth is usually the thing that is most important to you, even if you didn't know it before. Or at least that's what I hear.

"I see," my dad said.

"What I mean to ask is, can you be in love with two people at once? Like, is it possible?" I was kind of taken aback by my question. Was that how I really felt? Had I fallen in love with Kara in addition to Al? I had ended things with Kara, but thoughts of her still lingered. But all of that didn't matter at the moment; my mission was the keycard. Though, it was a good lie that made my coming home more believable. Plus, it didn't hurt to get a second opinion about my girl situation, even if that opinion came from a man whose marriage was running down like an avalanche.

"I think it's certainly a possibility to have strong feelings for two people at once but, unless you want to do the whole poly thing, I'm not sure it's wise to keep loving them both."

"That's why I broke up with one of the girls the other day, but I think I still have feelings for her."

"Give it some time," he said, "it'll pass."

"But what if it doesn't go away?"

"That's a tough one, but you can't have it both ways, Eli. In this case, you might not be able to have it any way."

"What do you mean?"

"If you can't get over the girl you dumped, you're not going to be able to devote all of yourself to the other, which isn't fair to her."

My goodness, he was spouting out some wise shit. And I hated it. It wasn't what I wanted to hear, and definitely not from him, but it was hitting me hard, nonetheless.

"Hey," he said, looking at the time on his phone, "wanna stay for dinner? I'm cooking."

I wished it was my mom's cooking, but thought it might be nice anyway to stay. Maybe. As long as things were civil. And I knew I could slip in and out of his bedroom while he was cooking. "If it's not Corn-beef hash, I'm in."

"Great," he said.

"But . . . is mom, you know, are you guys talking right now?"

"Yeah, right now. Well, we were good this morning, anyway. Who knows about tonight or tomorrow, though. We'll see what kind of mood she's in when she gets home."

"It takes two to tango, as you always told me," I said.

"Right you are. . . . Right you are."

And there it was. What I didn't realize I was looking for – to see or hear some sort of remorse or regret or responsibility from him. That everything was his fault. The white of his eyes gave him up when he looked away as he spoke that last bit. He said it with a certain heaviness, almost to the point to where he more groaned than spoke.

If it weren't for the images of those girls thrashing at my mind, I would have maybe forgiven him for lying about his pay cut right then and there. But no matter how much humanity and humility he was showing, I knew the truth. He was holding women captive and running tests on them.

My determination to do right by those girls returned. As my dad moved to the kitchen and began rummaging through the pantry and bending over and spinning the Lazy-Susan to find the ingredients he needed for dinner, I slipped down the hallway and into his bedroom.