I Told You, Eli Oxley

Part Two, Chapter Eighteen

From: Ragamuffin_Al@me.com

To: Eli_the_Ox@me.com

Subject: (empty)

Eli, it seems that you're never going to get around to talking about the kiss, so I guess it's up to me. How can you do something like that and then just avoid the subject? You just don't do that. If you have the guts to kiss someone, you should have the guts to talk about it. Don't know what to talk about? Here are some possible topics: A.) Hey, I really like you, and I want to be more than just friends. B.) Hey, I'm sorry I came on to you like that. If you don't want to go that route with our relationship, I want to respect that. Or at least C.) Hey, I don't really know how to approach this situation, but I think we should talk about it.

I know you've had a lot going on lately with your dad and the hacking group thingy, both of which I have and will continue to support you with, but this is kind of a biggy. It should be a priority. I should be a priority. If that's not the case, then let's just forget about the whole thing. Not that I'll actually be able to do that, but I'll deal.

The truth is, Eli Oxley, I like-like you. I have for a long time. But I never felt like you saw me more than just a friend, so I held my feelings to myself and decided to never make any movement in that direction. But you kissed me, which tells me that you do see me more than a friend. How long have you felt that way? Since we first met? Since we started college?

Or maybe you regret kissing me? Maybe you don't really like me, but your hormones got the best of you. Even still, you should man-up and tell me. Seriously! You can't do things like that! I have feelings of my own. You think your lips touching mine didn't affect me?

And while we are being honest, I have to say that you have been very selfish lately. Again, I know things have been crazy for you, but do you think you're the only one dealing with stuff? You know, I talked to my dad last week for the first time since he kicked us out. And my mom hasn't been doing very well lately with her MS, and she's dealing with a lot of medical insurance bull-hockey, so she can't really get the treatment she needs. But you wouldn't know about any of that since all you talk about is your dad and hacking. I don't mean to sound resentful or selfish – no, scratch that. I am resentful, and I think it's okay to be selfish sometimes. You give and take in a friendship, but I've just been giving, and you've just been taking (I would totally quote the Spice Girls here, but I want you to know that I'm not kidding around). It's time for you to give me a little bit of yourself.

Should I sum things up for you? Basically, we need to talk about the kiss – what you were thinking, and what you are thinking about moving forward from here. And I think I'm owed a couple of apologies for your avoidance and selfishness.

You better get back to me soon.

––Al, your best friend, and maybe something more

* * *

I had a tossed-salad of emotions when I read this email. I first wanted to bash my head into my desk for being so dense and such a coward for so long to not realize that she had feelings for me.

Then, even though I was by myself, I blushed. I had never felt liked before. Wanted. Someone actually saw something desirable in me. Getting into the hacking group was one thing – I had proved to myself and others that I was good enough at something, which helped me finally fit in somewhere – but for someone to like me for who I was without me having to do anything but be myself was something novel. I'll tell you, it was a fantastic feeling. You should try it sometime.

I also felt so much like an idiot and a jerk. I was so worried about why she wasn't bringing it up, while she was doing the same. But of course she wouldn't bring up the kiss. It was my responsibility – I kissed her, she didn't kiss me. Well, she did kiss me back, but I initiated the whole thing.

And finally, I consented to her accusation – I had been selfish. She was right. Every time we were together over those few weeks I only ever talked about me. Me, me, me. If I truly liked and cared for her, I needed to show her. I needed to make her feel the extent to which I liked her. To make her feel loved.

From: Eli_the_Ox@me.com

To: Ragamuffin_Al@me.com

Subject: Re: (empty)

Let's talk. Can I come over right now?