Write me Down, Fold me Up [Larry Stylinson AU]

Chapter 8

Chapter 8

November 10th, Day 32

This is dedicated to the overworked, the overwhelmed, and the over looked. Because I knew how all the lonely souls felt, how all the people who didn’t fit in anywhere felt. I’d been in every position you could think of, ranging from seeming to be on top of the world, to chained to the center of hell.

Right now though, I was in a seemingly great place, a positive place. Not where I’d consider being my ‘happy place’ but somewhere close to it. It was like floating on a cloud, petrified that any movement I made could end in me slipping right through, or if that didn’t happen, I’d be riding smoothly for what I hoped a long time. If I was being totally honest I’d say that my feet and ankles were starting to sink, but my body remained in full view on top of the cloudy surface. Because, I did still have those nights when Louis wouldn’t be there to stop me from picking up that slick silver phone and allowing my mind to fill with detestable things. Yeah, I relied on him a little too much; which was scary because I’d always relied on me and only me.

Tonight, unlike all others, Louis had soccer practice and I was way too caught up in my own world to go. So I convinced him to let me stay home on my bed. I said I’d wait for him, and he promised he’d come home at the most reliable time possible. In which then I nodded and hugged him goodbye. It was the first time in weeks like he’d actually left.

And as predicted, I was lying on the folded duvet of my bed, the remnants of Louis’ earnest scent lingering in the plaited fabric. We hadn’t ever slept in the same bed though, that’d be weird. At least only to him I thought. I’d been too timid and self-conscious to ask Louis if he wanted to sleep under the same covers as me for only a night or two. So for the two weeks that he’d been staying over, he insisted he just sleep on the couch as it was ‘what he was used to anyways’. And that made me sad, for him.

Hour 765 was the hardest hour of all. My fingertips were itching with the thought of slipping a peek at my mentions on twitter. Or to check the new articles written about me. And Louis wasn’t home to tell me no; I had to try and do that myself. I wasn’t used to not feeling alone and depressed on nights with nothing to do, and that’s what I was craving for. It was like a drug; to swallow the words media would feed me.

 I ran a hand through my already tangled mess of hair and sighed a sigh of suffering. The bottom right side of my brain was yelling into my soul, calling me names and rambling on and on about how I was really worth nothing at all. But the top left of my brain was delighted with myself, nourishing my heart with a sense of content. But as usual, I blocked that part out and tuned to the top right. To be completely truthful, I was starting to believe all the lies it would throw at me.

This only resulting in my fingers climbing their way to my bedside table where my phone sat, probably stacking with more bashes and threats as the seconds went on. So quickly as if someone was watching me, I snatched the device from the table and snuck it up to my eyes. I held it shakily, knowing that if Louis knew I was doing this to myself, he’d almost tape me to a tree in the middle of nowhere. That way he could keep a good eye on me and abandon me from all those odious comments that people would send to me.

But, I was too worried of what rumors were being spread because it’d been about 32 days since I’d actually checked my notifications on every social media I owned. Louis just wouldn’t have any of it. I was forbidden.

A nervous thread of beating fingertips on the blank space beside me on the bed was capturing all my apprehension at the moment. My vacant eyes dared right into the screen, and the pads of both my thumbs were whipping across the smooth yet evil glass. I streamed the black pupils of my eyes onto the twitter icon, doing one last debate inside my head asking if I should really be doing such a thing. But my mind denied all doubts and my nippy thumb clicked the blue square before I could even re-think it a second time.