PEEK

chapter 15: my heart

As I continued reading the diary, my heart continue to sunk and felt aching, I love my brother, and I’m feeling too bad for him. He just wanted someone to be with him, someone who will give love and care for him, but everything didn’t get along with his dreams. He has kyu but he didn’t love him, he has hyun joong, yes hyun joong loves my brother, but hyun joong has his other side of his heart, he’s loving a person who isn’t existing in their world, he has his friends, his close friends but they were threatened if they continue to get along with gil young, he has my auntie, but what happen, my untie didn’t helped my brother, and he had my father but left sooner.

On the other hand, all I want is to be alone, yet I have my step father who gave everything I wished, luxury living, nice house, nice car, rich friends, a good university, I have my mother who stayed with until now, and I have my half sibling who loves me more than his life.

I held to my hand and take the small piece of device in my chest. I feel guilty, I feel so selfish, he can only rely on one person and that is hyun joong, but hyun joong never gave everything to him.

I love hyun joong, did I made it wrong to tell him who my brother is? How could he love him if he haven’t seen him, how could he gave his heart to him. I’m with him bt I feel rejected. Did I just made it wrong to choose him over kyu? Did I just betrayed my heart? My feelings? Sometimes I wish I was in my brother’s place. I heard from auntie that he’s living nice. My mom’s new husband is good to him. He has everything, but what am I doing here? Why I am here? In this trash place, in this hell. It’s already hard or me to live like this. My father left me, my mom never visited me, I have her money but I don’t have them. I miss them. I want to see my brother, but somehow I’m afraid that I he sees hyun joong he will falls for him too like hyun joong feels for him.

I cried, I’m one of the reason why my brother is sad, why he lived alone. I wipe my tears as I felt an embrace coming from the cold wind blowing on the window.

“gil young…I know you’re here, I’m sorry, I’m sorry that your heart was played,,I want to seek your forgiveness but how can I? I cried gripping on my bad sheet and holding in my sobs..

“hyung!! Ren appeared on my door, facing him with my wet face.

He un to me and instantly gave me a tight hug that comforts me, a pat on my back saying that everything’s okay. I hugged him back uttering sorry in between my sniff.

“it’s okay hyung. I’m sorry for giving you a hard time. For making you know about your bother’s past,,we didn’t able to help him, and now we can’t just let you live like his.. Ren said stroking my back with full comfort..

“I’m one of the reason ren, I’m one of the reason why he suffered. I left him and I feel like I snatch everything from him including hyun joong,,what will I do ren? What will I do? I gritted my teeth holding back my cries as I felt the anger to myself.

“hyung! He called, pulling out the hug and face me with worries..do you happen to love hyun joong hyung? He asked as if he gets what I mean, as if he gets what’s inside my heart.

“I love him, but I can’t continue this feeling…my brother loves him, my brother, my poor brother gave everything to him, hyun joong just used my brother, he didn’t love my brother and I am the reason, I can’t love the person who caused my brother’s death, I promised to hate everyone who made my brother’s life miserable and I am one of them, I the myself, I hate everything about me.. I cried even more until I can’t see clearly the face in front of me.

“no hyung! Don’t say that..gil young hyung never blamed you, he never said that you caused him in pain, he will never say that, he will never say such thing against you, he loves you and he cares for you..ren told wiping my stained face,