Young Guns [Destiel Au]

Twelve

As Cas walks out the door Dean turns and runs his fist through the drywall. It cracks under the force and the jolt of pain pulls Dean into reality again.

"Fuck." He mutters because there are no other words to describe the last ten minutes of his life. He had been yelling for Christ's sake and Cas had been crying and yelling and baring his soul on a silver platter and like a an idiot Dean decided to kiss him. Which was stupid, and wrong, and horrible until Cas kissed him back.

With one change of pressure and a simple flick of tongue Cas had taking every assumption Dean had about himself and turned it on its head. Dean always had shitty impulses. Its part of the reason he's in the Pits. He's always been the fuck up and for the most part he had accepted that. He knows that's what he is. Cas though is a good guy, he may have done bad things but as far as Deans concerned so has everyone. And he knows that Cas didn't deserve that level of hatred, even if it was solely coming from himself.

Dean has seen killers. He sees them every time he steps into the ring, every time he stares at his father's photos hell every time he looks in a mirror. He knows the scars murder leaves, the mess it causes. Only those hardened to the task can kill someone and not feel anything about it. John dealt with his sins by drowning himself in liquor and Dean deals with his by getting regularly hit every other week. So to say Dean understood the guilt on Cas's face would be understatement, because he doesn't just get it, he felt it to. He knows the self hate murder leaves behind, knows the pain and the guilt and the fear of discovering what your capable off. He knows how it can break someone one way or another. Dean knows how broken he is. Has known since he was 22 years old. Cas though he never seemed broken. Fractured maybe but never broken.

At least until he told Dean his story. As if Dean's view on the situation was enough to destroy him. In that moment Dean realized that all those sleepiness nights, the exhaustion Cas wore like a second skin wasn't stress, it was punishment. Cas's very own Penance. Because Cas honestly believes he deserves to be punished. Dean can't blame the guy, a few months ago Dean thought he deserved that too. At least until Cas blew into his life and showed him another option. Redemption. One simple word but to Dean it means everything.

This thing with the FBI started as another attempt to protect Sam but it quickly became a cause for him. A way for Dean to find justice for the guys that made him an orphan and guardian to a 18-year-old kid already trying to fix his life. Sometimes Dean wishes he had half of Sam's courage maybe then he would have been able to let his father go and leave the Pits behind.

He didn't have that kind of strength 4 years ago but he was starting to gain it and it was all because Cas's influence. Because Cas wasn't just another cop trying to manipulate Dean's life, he wasn't some dick who thought because he had a badge he could do no wrong. He had done bad things, Dean learnt that about him the night they met, when maybe then the only thing between them was a mixture mutual attraction and mutual heartbreak. But somewhere along the line that changed. Maybe it was when Cas first came in a 3am and laughed at him. Maybe it was the day Dean told him the truth about Azazel and Cas had stayed with him, talking him down from what was heading towards an inevitable breakdown. Or maybe it had been that way all along.

If Dean knew when it happened, he probably wouldn't be where he is now pacing his apartment like some crazed lunatic because he kissed Cas. He probably wouldn't be shaking because he would have known what he was actually feeling for the guy. When Dean kissed him it wasn't because Cas looked hot angry or because Dean had checked the guy out more than once. It wasn't because of lust something that usually pushes Dean into similar situations. The kiss wasn't about how good it would make Dean feel and everything to do with how it would make Cas feel. How it would shock the rage from his system and maybe make him feel better even for a brief second.