● Illusory ●

Chapter 15

Alex 

I think I forgot what day it is, or how long I've locked myself up like this. Has it been days? Weeks? Maybe months? It feels like months, but I'm sure it's far less than that. I would have died of starvation if it had been a month. Heh, maybe I'm a ghost.

Life would probably be easier if I were a ghost. I wouldn't have to eat, sleep, or even look at myself. I wouldn't have to converse with others or even get hurt anymore. I could haunt everything freely, and maybe give someone a good scare here and there. I could probably possess someone too, but I don't think I'd have the desire to be human anymore. Humans experience too much pain, and I think I've had enough time in a human body.

I thought over imaginary scenarios in my head where I was a free ghost, before turning in my bed and being reminded that I had decided to tie my hair up. I honestly don't understand my logic on this and how I even came to the decision that I would do it, but I did it, and now I'm too lazy to pull the band out of my hair so I can lay flat. Well, I thought of myself as lazy at least, but in reality I really didn't have the motivation to do anything.

Truthfully, everything has become achromatic recently. Even the neon signs that litter the streets of Shiner have become a depressing gray. My room seems to be all just one shade of gray, and the spectrum of colors I had once seen days before was gone. Possibly for forever.

My mind was rampant with memories. My mother's death occupied my mind. Garrot's death seemed to make my head hurt, and what Seiko had said only made it worse. Perhaps I really was in the wrong, but I didn't have to motivation to go and apologize. She wouldn't care though. She pushes away everyone she disagrees with anyway, and if I end up like those people, well....so be it.

I couldn't help but keep feeling that I should have been the one to go that night instead of Garrot. I mean, it's logical. Garrot had a family he was going to change for so he could be a better father and husband. What do I have? I'm an orphan, and I can't seem to hold any kind of relationship that well. I'm not contributing anything to anyone's life like he was, so what's the point in me staying here? Where's the logic in this!?

I don't know, and I've started to feel empty once again. The feeling of not having a purpose. The feeling of being hopeless. It's all there. In fact, it feels like it's been here forever, but only now am I letting it consume me. I couldn't stop it though. My feelings are uncontrollable at this point.

It's a horrible thought, but I've honestly started to wish that the killer would drop by. That they'd come into my room and just end it all. Oh, they'd be doing me a huge favor. Hey, maybe I could become a ghost then. Let's just hope the Ghostbusters don't come by and get me.

I really wanted to sleep, knowing that I had neglected sleep since Garrot's death, but I stayed awake. I was too interested in imagining scenarios where I could become a ghost and be free of all this pain. Where these memories wouldn't plague me and occupy my mind. I'd be free like I had said, and maybe I could be a friendly spirit or something. I don't know about being called 'Casper' though.

I turned onto my back now and stared up at the ceiling, ignoring the discomfort from my ponytail. Absent-mindedly, I started to make random objects float around my room. I watched as some books floated past me, and an old notebook filled with stupid stuff from high school followed. I could feel my energy slowly being drained from moving everything, but I no longer cared. Everything felt meaningless, and emotion ceased to exist for me. I was empty and blank.

I continued to let assorted objects float above my head before I heard a knock sound at my door. Not bothering to move, I let the objects float back to their respective places before I answered "You can come in!"