Unloved (Leafycynical)

Part 1

A/N: This entire fic will be in Leafy's POV

 I always dream of drowning when I'm stressed out. Lately, it seems I'm always stressed, no matter what. I looked down at the foamy, yellow vomit in the toilet, wiping my mouth with a shaking hand. I wanted to go back to sleep, but I knew I wouldn't be able to. I slowly took the heavy porcelain cover off of the back of the toilet and then proceeded to stare at the silver glint that winked at me from the bottom of the water.

Reaching into the coldness, I tried to remember the last time I had done something like this. It was quite a while ago, but the thing about habits is that once you start them back up, it's like you never stopped. The rusted blade lie in my palm, convincing me that I had saved it in the first place because I knew I would always come back to this destructive state of mind at some point in time. All my progress would wash down the drain with every drop of blood that left my arm in a matter of seconds. This time was going to be different. There would be no guilt. There would be no burning or itching or long sleeves of dark color.

Once you actually go through with this thing, it's done. There is no more world to you and no more you to the world save for scattered memories in the minds of people who never even cared about you. Of course, you'll never return after this, not even to observe the world without you in it anymore, as if it would be so different anyway. You don't breathe, don't eat, don't laugh or talk; you're gone, never to return. It's something I had trouble with comprehending as a little kid. In my mind, it just wasn't possible to not be alive, because everyone was alive.

As I stared at this thing in my hand, I thought of how people say goodbye. I thought about the way people get upset about not being able to say goodbye to someone before they died. Who would be upset about not being able to say goodbye to me? When my mental search came up blank, I started thinking of who I would want to say goodbye to. I don't have any friends. I've collaborated with a couple of other YouTubers, but they didn't seem to like me...except for Pyro.

A/N: if it turns out that folks actually enjoy this story, I'll post the rest of the parts that I already wrote and continue it.