Unloved (Leafycynical)

13

"Missing Souls" by Dream Suicides

In my dreams

I fall where it rains

I haven't gone to sleep

And I haven't left for days

Find me in the air

Come find me and I'll be there

Think of me when in the rain

My feelings are still the same

Dreams, I don't know what else

I've been thinking about what this life is about

I didn't actually end up going to sleep that night. For whatever reason, Niall didn't sleep in my bed, but on the couch, and I stayed up all night in my bedroom. It was around ten o'clock when I came downstairs. He was awake and watching t.v.

"Too mad at me to sleep in my bed?" I asked, picking up a glass and filling it with tap water.

"Don't act like you slept," he retorted.

"How would you know?"

"I could hear you up there. You never sleep anyway."

"If you weren't going to sleep in there, what was the point in staying over?"

"To make sure you didn't want to take another shower."

"You know how I feel."

"Calvin, why can't you try with anything? Why is that so hard to you?"

"And you try too hard," I countered. He suddenly rushed over to me and got pretty close.

"But you know. I don't understand how you can blame me when you know what I want."

"I'm trying with you! I'm trying to help you! I'm staying over here to make sure you don't kill yourself, Calvin!"

"Well I don't want the help!" I shouted, and was shocked when I felt his heavy hand whip against my cheek. The nearly-empty kitchen made it echo loudly as I stood there in shock. I just couldn't believe Niall actually hit me. A few seconds of silence trudged by and I became angry that the man had done it. In a blind rage, I reached up and socked him in the face as hard as I could. The fear returned almost immediately and converted itself into adrenaline that drove me to bolt for the front door and keep going until I could hardly breathe anymore.

I fell onto the wet concrete when I felt I couldn't hold myself up. Trying to catch my breath, I looked around. The sky was straight above and abandoned houses to my left. When I looked to my right, I saw a kitten burrowing itself in the tiny concrete awning of a sewer drain clogged with leaves. I was wondering why it wasn't moving.

Curiosity got the best of me and I walked across the street. The poor thing tried to burrow further in, but there was nowhere to go. I bent down as to not seem intimidating to the little thing and slowly got closer.

"Hi," I greeted. I assumed it was hurt since it wouldn't move. "What's up, little guy?" It only made a low, squeaky sound. I couldn't just leave the little kitten there, so I gently picked it up, trying to ignore the noises of obvious protest it was emitting.

"I'm not gonna hurt you," I cooed. Suddenly, Niall came back into my mind. I didn't think he would hurt me. I never would've thought he would hurt me. He had me convinced, even if he was a little scary. I've been afraid of plenty of people for no real reason besides that they seemed scary, so it was nothing new, but it was still a shock that he did it. How could I blame him though? I could barely stand myself. I tried to push the thoughts of him away, but with the hurt kitten in my arms reminding me so much of him and I, it was impossible.

It would've taken a complete idiot not to realize that there was something seriously wrong with the cat. I knew I needed to get it some help. Sure, there were a lot of stray dogs and cats in the world, but it's different when you actually find a stray. I've picked strays up many times, and although I never actually ended up keeping any of them, I still felt better knowing I helped them.

I was kind of scared to go back to my house because I knew that Niall was probably still there and waiting for me, so I decided to just take my time walking back, even though the cat was hurt. I couldn't even call a cab or anything because I didn't have my phone. The only problem with going back and just driving to the animal shelter or clinic was that my keys were inside of the house, I really didn't want to see Niall. It sounds horrible, but I hated the argument we had. It just felt wrong, like I was dreaming or it wasn't actually him. I sighed and continued walking, occasionally glancing down at the kitten.

As I rounded the corner of my block, I was hoping Niall wasn't there. I was almost crossing my fingers until I saw his blue Mazda in the driveway. I sighed loudly, feeling my body tense up and start to shake. My stomach was in knots as I courageously turned the doorknob and, cringing, stepped into my house. I looked around and didn't see anyone, so I closed the door as quietly as I could and tried to remember exactly where my keys were. I choked back a scream when I heard Niall say, "Can I please talk to you?"

The fear jogged my memory and I snatched my keys off the top of the television.

"We can talk when I get back," I rushed out, immediately turning around and walking out the door. I practically ran to my car, and would have if it weren't for the cat in my arms. It was scary how soft and benevolent his voice was when he asked to talk. At that point, I wasn't even sure if I actually meant it when I said we'd talk later. I hated that he yelled at me, mocked me, and hit me, but I was afraid he was going to say we were over. I didn't want him to break it off with me, even if we had only been "dating" a few days. I liked him a lot, and knew him before that happened between us.

I considered putting the cat in the passenger seat but was plagued with terrible scenarios like it falling onto the floor and getting hurt even more. It ended with the kitten's small, warm body lying on my lap the whole way to the clinic. I wasn't sure the shelter would be able to give it the help it needed and instead just put it to sleep, and I didn't want to take any chances.

When I arrived, I was glad to see that there weren't many cars in the parking lot. The lady at the desk was super nice, too, and before I knew it, I was in a room waiting for the doctor. There was a knock on the door, and when a tall, blue-eyed old man walked in, I had to look over twice to ensure I had seen right.