Unloved (Leafycynical)

11

"All I Need" by Clams Casino

Oh oh they love they love
Oh you, you know, they love your life
They love they love
Please stay please stay

I don't remember falling in or being pushed. I didn't even know where I was, but it was happening again. All I could do was flail around in an attempt to get out. The surface looked so close, but I just couldn't make it. The feeling of not being able to breathe was horrible combined with the water that my brain somehow thought could be turned into air if I sucked in enough. I screamed for help, but all that would come out was bubbles.

"Calvin. Calvin."

"Calvin!"

I jolted up, looking around for the source until I saw Niall hovering over me. I was breathing heavy and wondering how he saved me.

"Niall?"

"Yeah, it's me, babe. You were only dreaming. It's alright." I shook my head and got up, tying my robe as I walked to the back door. I heard Niall get up from the couch to follow me. On the way out, I tripped on a shoe because it was so dark. How long had I been asleep? I tried to calculate the time between going out and coming back home, but I couldn't think straight.

It was chilly outside, but I didn't mind too much. I knew running outside was going to seem strange to Niall, and it was, but I just needed to get some fresh air. It was nice to know what that felt like. I started to think about what it would be like to be valued by people. As I stared into the pitch black night, I wondered how it felt to be loved. Where would I be right now if I'd finished college? I figured it probably didn't matter because, in the end, I was still me.

I could probably never handle a real job in the first place. Everyone was probably wondering why I haven't uploaded in over a week. I think it's just best I don't so I can stick to the plan. It seemed every time I thought about my channel, the comments came to mind. I know that there are a lot of internet trolls out there as well as people who just decide that they want to say some fucked up shit on my videos for no real reason, but it still sucks. It sucks even more because a lot of the time, the comments are the truth. I know I'm ugly, and that's why I didn't use to make facecam videos, but my subscribers were encouraging me to, and I was just so grateful for all of them that I decided to do it. Why not, right?

The worst thing about short bursts of confidence like that is the fact that they're just that: short. When I did my face reveal, I was overwhelmed by the horrible things that were said in the comments section. I was told to keep the gameplay instead as if I didn't know what that meant. Someone said that I scared them and told me to never do it again. It was horrible. I considered disabling the comments, but then everyone would know I was affected by them.

I thought about what Niall and I had done earlier and couldn't help but wonder if he was thinking something like that during the act. He probably just needed to get off and remembered how much of a thirsty whore I looked like when he walked in on me masturbating. I was vaguely aware of the tears trying to spill from my eyes as the event replayed itself in my mind. Of course that was it. He probably had to hold back vomit while he fucked me; probably averted his eyes every chance he got. I jumped when I felt something touch my my shoulder, the tears taking the opportunity to escape that very second.

"Are you alright?" Niall's voice penetrated the stillness around us. I didn't want to turn around to face him because then I'd have to explain my odd behavior. I was through with explaining shit. I just wanted to go.

"Calvin." No. No, I didn't want him to say anything to me. I didn't want him to try and coax me into living for no fucking reason.

"Why won't you just let me go?" I whispered, swallowing back a sob.

"Calvin." There it was again. The voice. But this time it was even softer and somehow managed to convey seemingly real concern. I was so confused and torn about what to believe. The thought of Niall really caring about me made me feel this strange sense of comfort, but I couldn't help all of the suspicions and insecurities that warned me not to fall for the supposed trap. I was so overwhelmed that I just let the tears fall as they pleased and the sobs push out with every horrible thought that overcame my mind.

"I'm so confused, Niall. I'm scared. I can't do this shit anymore."

"Just talk, Cal. Tell me what it is. I need you to help me understand. Just talk, baby, it's alright."