Unloved (Leafycynical)

4

He moved closer to me after asking the question, his knee touching my thigh. As the tears welled up once again, I knew I wouldn't be able to talk about it without crying. "I don't know, man. It's just... I'm...I'm ugly a-and fat. I don't have any friends. I don't have a future. F-for fuck's sake, I make videos on YouTube for a living."
"Calvin, do you like making videos?"

"I-I do, but I mean, I can't do it for the rest of my life."

"What did you want to do?"

"I don't know. Sometimes I feel like I should have never dropped out of college," I confessed.

"Why did you drop out?"

I opened and closed my mouth a few times, confused about what to say. Why had I dropped out? If I already told him about dropping out, I might as well divulge the full extent of my failure.

"It was too hard. I got too overwhelmed, I was failing math, and I could never get any sleep because I was so worried about everything. It was like no matter what, I was worried, and over the stupidest shit, too. I swear to god, I just imagined the worst things happening. I bunked once because I got so scared of my math professor.

"I don't even know why I was so scared of him. The work was so fucking hard because I'm such a retard, and I've never been good in math, so it was ten times worse with him. He came over to check my homework, and I was sweating and shaking so badly. I couldn't even talk. I just started throwing up. Eventually, I just stopped coming to my classes altogether...dropped out. I'm still paying back the loan from just that one semester."

It occurred to me that I was rambling. "I'm sorry. See, there's another reason: I don't even know how to fucking socialize. God, what the fuck? Just...god fucking damn it. Maybe you have a little bit of an explanation now about why, but I'm going now," I said, getting up, "goodbye, Niall."

Suddenly, I felt Niall's hand latch onto my arm forcefully.

"N-Niall," I blurted, a burst of fear shooting through my senses at his touch.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you. I was just trying to make sure you weren't going to run off. I'm sorry, mate," he apologized, releasing my arm from his tight grip.

"You don't understand," I whimpered, thinking about how beautiful the idea of absolutely nothing sounded. No thoughts, no feelings, non reality. It would all finally be over; I would finally be free.

"I do understand. I want to help you. I need to help you. I can't let you do this to yourself. I know I don't know you too well, but you obviously like me to some extent, yeah?"

"No, you don't understand, Niall. I need this more than I've ever needed anything. I'm not even supposed to fucking be alive," I sobbed.

"Calvin, I came here to help you. Just talk to me. It's alright."

I looked into the puppy-like eyes that silently begged me to trust him, searching for a sign that he was trying to trick or potentially harm me. It's a habit I don't think I'll ever let go of.

"It's alright," he repeated, slowly stepping closer to me. As I gazed at him hesitantly, everything in me told me to close the tiny gap between us; to just give in and let it happen.