I'd Rather Have You

Ground Control To Major Tom

Metatron was walking around his office deep in thought, his hair messy and his tie loosened. There were folders and pictures scattered across his mahogany desk and he was muttering under his breath.

"Yeah I dunno man, I think you're looking into this too much, humans are super simple you just have 'em meet each other or bump into each other and add some like lust and blushing and whatever and Bob's your uncle".

Dean had been sitting in front Metatron for the past five hours and twenty-four minutes. Watching his new boss dude examine files and blueprints and other nonsense.

"No Dean, you don't understand. This man, Castiel, he's different...He doesn't recognize any forms of flirtation. We do have new information that leads us to believe that he does want a relationship , he just has a terrible relationship with most of his family and he is a very salty dude". Dean frowned in confusion, what the fuck did salty mean. How was this man related to sodium chloride.

"So what are we gonna do then, if you're telling me that he doesn't notice or doesn't care or whatever when people flirt with him." Dean said with a sigh.

"Well Dean, the Cupid's have always operated their business from here, but God has decided that it is suitable, in this case for a matchmaking angel to actually...Go down to earth." Metatron said calmly. He watched Dean trying to see how he would react.

"Cool. So who's gonna be doing that?"

Metatron continued staring.

"Oh yeah, me, obviously. Ha. Of course yes. Earth. Going down there. That...Sounds like a fun new experience. I'm not one to pass up on a big opportunity. This'll be great. It totally will. Sam will love it. I'll stir up some love drama, I'll get a hot dog, read a book. It'll be fantastic. Yep. Cool and good haha".

"Dean are you sure you're okay with this massive responsibility? I mean you don't exactly have a choice because this is God's will and all so even if you didn't want to do this you would still have to but it's polite to ask".

Dean took a deep breath and tried not to think about all the ways he could get brutally murdered by a demon and how super close he'd be to hell and tried to focus on positive stuff, like how excited Sam would be.

"What? yeah I'm fine! It's all fine! Is that all can I leave? I think we're done here right? I think I know pretty much everything about this Novak dude now i'm good".

Metatron still looked worried but he nodded and Dean zoomed outta there.

"SAM! HOLY FUCK!"

"WHAT THE HECK DEAN"

"YOU WON'T BELIEVE THIS"

"TELL ME MAN"

"THEY'RE SENDING ME DOWN THERE"

"DOWN WHERE?!"

"DOWN UNDER, THE UNDER PLACE, DOWN DOWN, UPSIDE DOWN, DOWN THERE"

"YOU'RE GOING TO EARTH!!!!!!"

"YES I'M GOING TO EARTH"

Sam whooped with joy and instantly began spitting out random facts about humans.
Mostly about a human goddess called "Beyonce". Dean just let him blabber on and had a quiet controlled moment on complete panic as he tried to process that he had to go to earth.

Actual planet Earth with all those messy emotional murderous humans. So many diseases and wild beasts. Sam was now telling him to watch out for teenagers and politicians cause he heard from someone that those were particularly terrible. Dean didn't even know what teenagers or politicians looked like, or how to act if he encountered the goddess Beyonce. He was totally unprepared.

"Dean are you even paying attention?" sighed Sam. "I'm trying to teach you things you should know!". Dean shook his head and nodded. "Yeah of course, sorry Sam I'm just worried". "You'll be fine Dean, anyway so..."

The next few days went past in a blur.
People congratulating him, people giving him dirty looks cause they were jealous fucks. Different angels meeting him to give him lectures on earth even though he pretty much knew it all from millennia of facts from Sam.

Then the big day came. He was going down. The plan was simple. Simple enough for even Dean to understand but these kinda things are always easier said than done.

Step 1:
Drop down to that there big green orb and snatch up a person to live in.

Step 2:
Get your cute little vessels ass to Castiel Novaks dwellings.

Step 3:
Calmly explain to the human what the heck is happening in a way that he won't freak out and damage your host body in any way.

Step 4:
Start getting that boy some dates and keep going until you succeed in finding him a soulmate for eternity.

Step 5:
Once all that is done in probably a few weeks, dump the vessel somewhere and shoot back up to cloud nine where celebrations and prestigious awards await.

Those were Gods exact words. Not modified in any way.

Dean was nervous but he felt as if he was ready now. All this training was gonna pay off and he was going to make his division proud. The Cupids would never be underestimated again. He stood beside the hole to earth in his protective gear sent from the best earth specialists. Sam said it was "Just fucking bubble wrap what the fuck those cheap sluts don't know shit". The hole to earth was literally just a gaping hole covered by a flimsy trapdoor. Dean stood on top of the creaking trapdoor. His hands crossed over his chest. His eyes squeezed shut.

"Pull the lever, Kronk" he whispered, terrified.

The angel on duty nodded "Whatever you say man". She pulled the lever and the trapdoor opened.

Dean was hurtling through the air super fucking fast. The bubble wrap, as Sam had suspected, was doing fuck all. It was still pretty cool though, once he got passed all the clouds he could see all the greens and blues and it was beautiful and terrifying to see everything coming towards him so fast.

Then his vision was all green and and he crashed.

That was a big 'ol delay but at last! something!