Dear Future Me

Chapter 14: Always on My Mind

2012!Dan-

I shoot up in shock, and I'm out of breath. I look around my room frantically and everything was gone. All the cute knick knacks from the ending of 2012 up to 2016, if had all vanished. I look over at the clock which read 1:30 in the morning. I'm confused, but at the same time I'm beginning to get an idea of what has happened. There's a pit in my stomach partially because I'm scared where I've ended up. I rush to my phone and unlock it and my eyes freeze, caught on the date. It was July 28, 2012. The exact date and time I had left. I'm overrun by emotions, holding back tears that were starting to form on the edge of my eye lids. I get up from my bed quickly, about to rush to Phil for support or something, but I quickly freeze coming to the realization that this was where we left off the night of the argument.

It was then I realized the only three sounds around me was the quiet ticking of the clock, my uneasy breaths and the oh so quiet sobbing coming from next door. I clench my fist to the point my knuckles turn white and have the urge to punch a wall. The sobbing only becomes more vivid due to the fact I specifically choose to ignore every other noise around me. I'm stood in the middle of my bedroom seeming stuck to the ground for the longest time until I take a few deep breaths and finally unclench my fists that now felt like they were on fire due to my nails digging into my palms.

"Calm down, you can make this better... You've realized who you are now, what you need now." I mumble to myself and head over to Phil's bedroom door.

The crying has stopped so Phil was either asleep or didn't have enough energy to keep crying anymore. My hand hovers beside Phil's bedroom door and for a moment I'm not sure about this. I didn't know if I was doing the right thing. One small slip up and our future could change completely. "Fuck it," I mumbled to myself and knock on the door lightly, not wanting to startle the older boy on the other side of the door. "Phil... Phil can I come in please?" I muttered and only hear sniffling in response and I assume this was his way of ignoring me.

I let out a sigh of defeat and make a quick decision to bring my hand to the door handle. "Phil, I know you probably want to kill me right now but.. I- I'm coming in." I say, my voice sounding hesitant yet desperate.

I open the door and I'm greeted by a Phil wrapped up in his duvet, his knees pulled up to his chest and his face buried into his lap, refusing to let me see his distressed appearance. I hold back the urge to yet again blow up at myself for causing all of this and rush to the bed, sitting beside Phil. I avoid any contact at the moment since I figure I'm the last person he wants to have touch him right now and only stare over at him, studying his terrified and hurt position he had been in for god knows how long. "Phil I- I—" I freeze, literally having no clue what to say. An I'm sorry would be terrible, seeing that showed I actually expected forgiveness out of this.

"I'm a terrible person. I should've never let it get so out of control like this. I should never have acted so cold towards you and acted as if I hated you. Because I don't hate you Phil. I don't. In fact, you are literally the last person on earth I could hate because you've made me so happy for so damn long." I'm still studying Phil carefully, checking to see if I would get any reaction from him.

His body remained as still as a corpse, the only thing that guaranteed he was alive being his shallow breathing that was barely audible. "This isn't your fault Phil. None of this is your fault, it's mine. All of it is. The truth is I'm scared, I'm running from the truth or trying to find it still, I don't know. I guess what I'm saying is I'm scared because I'm not ready to share what we have with the world yet. I'm not ready to share the stolen glances, or the midnight cuddles, or the quiet 'I love yous' into one another's ears. I just feel pressured now that there is supposedly proof that all of that is true, that it's all not our own anymore, it's all for everyone else to see." I notice him shuffle under the blanket and catch his tearful gaze fall on me.