Falling With No Grace

Coming Out

~Ashley

Fuck! I punch the wall next to me, furious at myself. My knuckles are throbbing, but I ignore the pain. Why am I such an asshole? Seriously, he didn't deserve that! I look at the doorway. If I try to apologize, will he forgive me? Not after that. Shit what do I even say? 'Oh, Andy, sorry I was such an asshole. I just didn't want to tell you that I might be gay for you and it's kind of fucking with me. I know, it must be shocking, but yeah, I might have a crush on you. But, we're cool, right?' Yeah, not gonna work. I put my head in my hands. Fuck, it's too early for this...

Looking up, I notice that Jinxx, Jake and CC are still asleep. How'd they sleep through Andy screaming at me? They must have gotten really drunk last night or something. Focus, Ashley. What are you gonna say to Andy? Crap, I have no idea. Well, apologize for starters. But where do I go from there? Shit, if I don't say something soon, he's just gonna suspect me even more. But I can't just tell him; I'm not even completely sure. This is fucked up.

Ashley, you're just going to have to get over it. He's not even gay.You're not even sure you're gay. Or bi. Could I be bisexual? Maybe. Shit it doesn't matter Ashley because even if you are and even if you do have a ''crush'' on Andy, he's never going to ever be into you. Ever. But that's okay, because you're gonna get over it and go back to normal. Everything is gonna be okay... I groan. But what do I do now?

"Stop thinking so loud, you're keeping me up." I look up and Jinxx is staring at me from his bunk, stretching and yawning. Crap, I woke him up. I glance at the other bunks. He's the only one up. I mumble an apology as he gets off his bed and sits next to me. "No worries. Hey are you okay? Andy was worried about you last night. Something about you acting weird lately. I kind of agree with him, you haven't been your horny, drunk, over happy self." he looks at me, concern in his eyes.

I open my mouth to dismiss his concerns. I can't tell him anything, he'll just tell Andy. I need to keep this to myself and figure this shit out on my own. "No, I'm not. I'm fucking confused." Wait...I didn't mean to say that. Damnit!

Jinxx looks worried. "About what? I'm here for you, man." He puts his arm around my shoulder in comfort, and I slowly lean into the embrace. It feels good to have someone to comfort me, but I stay silent, mentally screaming at myself. Why did I say that?! Jinxx frowns a little. "Ash, you're my friend. I don't want you to be upset, but I can't help you if you don't tell me whats wrong."

I sigh. I don't want to admit it, but he's right. And maybe, if he doesn't completely freak out, he can help me. "You promise you wont tell anyone?"

"I promise, Ashy. I wont tell anybody." He gives a half-smile and sticks out his pinkie finger. I roll my eyes and giggle. Jinxx is an overgrown four-year-old. I wrap my pinkie around his and we both laugh. "So, what is it?" he asks quietly.

I sigh. Here goes nothing... "I think....that I might...well...haveacrushonAndy." I whisper quickly. I stare at my hands in my lap. My face burns bright red. That's the first time I've ever admitted that out loud. It sounds weird, saying I have a crush on a boy, my best friend no less, but somehow it's relieving, like I really needed to say it.

"You have a crush on Andy?" he asks, stunned. Crap, he must hate me. Well, I cant just deny it now. I nod slowly. "Ashley, are you gay?" he asks me very seriously. I flinch slightly, and shrug.

"I-I think I might be bisexual, but...I'm really not s-sure." I stutter, heart pounding. I hide my face in my hands. Here it comes; the name calling, the screaming, the--

"So are you gonna tell Andy?" Jinxx says softly. I look up at him. That was so not what I was expecting. He doesn't look disgusted or angry like I thought he would. I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding, and I blink at him.

"Wait, you're cool with this?"

He nods. "Why wouldn't I be? I don't care. You're still one of my best friends, just because you like guys doesn't mean I'm gonna ditch you. You can't get rid of my that easily, Ashley Purdy!" He hugs me tightly, and I giggle softly. Thank God, I was worried for a second there. At least I can talk to Jinxx. I was so scared he was gonna hate me! "So, seriously Ash," he says again, "are you going to tell Andy?"

I shrug. "I don't know. I mean, we kind of just got into a fight because I was a total dick to him. He was asking me if I was okay and I got all bitchy and he yelled and left. I don't think he wants to talk to me right now." Yeah, I kind of fucked up there...

"Don't worry," Jinxx pats me on the back, "just let him cool off then go apologize. Everything's going to be fine, Ashely. You don't even have to tell him you like him. Just tell him you're bi, or gay, or whatever. He'll be fine with it."

I smile. Thank God for Jinxx! "Thanks Jinxx, you're an awesome friend. I really needed to hear that." I turn around and hug him. What would I do without him?

"No problem, Ashes." he says, ruffling my hair. "Just relax, everything is going to be okay. You can always talk to me whenever you want."

"But not me, huh?" I snap around, seeing Andy in the doorway. He looks angry and hurt. "What happened to telling each other everything?"

Oh shit! "Andy, it's--" "Just save it. You could have said you just didn't want to tell me. I thought we were best friends, Ashely!" he says angrily.

"We are, but--"

"No, we obviously aren't. I didn't overhear anything, if that's what you're worried about. I was just coming in to apologize, but whatever. I mean, clearly, you're fine."

"That's not true! I--"

"Whatever, I don't wanna hear it anymore. Sorry for intruding." He shoots both me and Jinxx a glare and stalks out into the front of the bus. Fuck my life...