Falling With No Grace

Problems

~Andy

I walk through the bus and out the front door, reaching into my pocket for a smoke and a light. Who cares if it's only 8:30 in the morning? I fucking need a smoke! I stick the burning nub into my mouth and suck in the fumes. It takes away some of the anger from overhearing Ashley and Jinxx.

What the fuck? So he's a total bitch to me, but he's all buddy-buddy with Jinxx now? That's ridiculous! He's my best friend. What's his fucking deal? I lean against the bus, cig poking out of my mouth, and I try to forget everything that happened for the next five minutes. Five minutes of peace would be heavenly...

"Andy, you out here?" Jinxx sticks his head out of the bus door and looks around. Of course. It was too much to ask. "Oh, there you are. Andy, are you alright?" He comes up and stands next to me, putting a hand on my shoulder. What does he want?

"Yeah, Jinxx, I'm just fine," I shake off his hand, "I mean, why would I be mad my best friend doesn't want to talk to me? And that he's keeping stuff from me? No, I'm good." I turn away from him and take another drag from the cig. Jinxx shifts on his feet, obviously unsure of what to do next. Can't he just leave?

"Andy, it's not as simple as that. He does want to talk to you, but he's kind of freaking out right now." I just stand there, ignoring him. He grunts, annoyed, and rips the light from my mouth and stomps on it.

"What the fuck? What was that for?" I feel around in my pocket for another cherry, but I come up empty.

"For not listening to me. You need to fix things with Ashley. He's inside and he's really upset, man. He really doesn't want to fight with you." I roll my eyes. Oh Jinxx, the ever present voice of reason.

"Yeah, well, I don't want to talk to him. I mean you guys are such good friends now, I don't really need to talk to him right? He doesn't need me." My heart ached as those last words crossed my lips. Badly. That had never happened before. It's because you're so close to him, Andy. Don't read too much into it.

Jinxx groans. "Okay, now you're just playing it up. Seriously, the only reason he didn't tell you was because he didn't want you to freak out, okay? He doesn't want you to hate him."

That doesn't make any sense. Why would I freak out? What'd he do, kill someone? Deal drugs? Is he in legal trouble or something? Can they just fucking tell me already? "What did he do that was so bad that he couldn't tell me? We used to tell each other everything." I look down, sad. I really don't want to fight with Ash, but seriously, how bad could it fucking be? Why is it such a big deal that I can't know? It's really starting to scare me.

"He didn't do anything, per se..." Jinxx sighs, putting his hand back on my shoulder. I look up at him, and he smiles. He pulls me into a hug. I give in and hug back. "You need to fix things okay? Just stop yelling, and maybe he'll tell you." I laugh quietly without much humor. Yeah, I'm good at yelling.

"Okay, but tell me. Is he, like, wanted by the FBI or something? This secrecy is fucking scaring me Jinxx." Jinxx laughs, the vibrations shaking us both. I laugh along with him.

"Um, no," Jinxx manages out, "no, he's not wanted by the Feds. Unless there's something I don't know about. But really, go talk to him. He's beating himself up in there."

I shake my head. "No. I'm not going to ask again. Last time I did he bitched at me. He can tell me on his own time." I step out of the embrace and I look down. "I don't want to have to force this out of him. I never had to before."

"You should talk to him. He's really upset, Andy. I mean, it's not--"

"I said no, Jinxx." I say, calmly for once. I'm fucking exhausted, and it's only 9:03. That's a record somewhere. "I'm not going to beg him." I stare at Jinxx dead on , and he sighs, caving. He nods slowly and he slouches a bit. We both stand there, leaning on the bus in silence, both unwilling to speak. I don't want to keep fighting; I hate it. But I'm not going to just give in. He used to tell me everything without me even asking. I want that to happen again. The fact that he's keeping secrets from me, secrets that are obviously hurting him, really hurts. More than it should hurt. My heart burns a little every time I think about it. It's really starting to creep me out...