i'm not very tolerant of internal physical pain
hits, bruises, slashes are manageable
they feel like a reminder that i exist
but when my guts twist themselves together and i vomit up my own blood,
feel the blackness, the dizziness, the inability to stay upright,
collapsing under for hours at a time,
or things along that nature,
the only thing i can wish for is my own end
it never comes, of course, and never will at my own wishes
but regardless i still do it every time my insides decide to stop the usual regulation
whatever i have is unbearably bearable
which makes no sense to you but makes every bit of sense to me
it hurts worse than anything i have ever gone through and anything that i ever will
i don't know of the normal twinge of sad
i feel the heart-wrenching sob-on-your-floor pain
i don't know if i've ever felt just 'sad'
it is something i continually confuse with 'numb'
it hurts and it hurts and it hurts
but it doesn't push me over an edge
it pushes me into a state of unreality
but not far enough for permanence, a non-changing label, or an elongated inpatient stay at the ward
i think not-sick-enough hurts worse than insane-and-sick-enough
i think a lot of things in a head that always hurts
