Looking Beyond

Chapter 34: Thoughts, Feelings, and Food

    Brea tossed her phone to the side. "Give it up Savannah. I'm not saying a word until Saturday." She hated being so secretive with Savannah, but she really needed to figure out what to tell her. It was already Friday and she still couldn't think of anything to tell Savannah that wouldn't result in her giving Brea a lecture. Jacob had found a hotel that was close in distance to his parents' place with decent internet access – it made working easier. She and Jacob had done a fair amount of talking since Sunday night – mostly about the baby. Once Jacob had heard that she hadn't had her period since December, he insisted that she try to get an appointment with nearby OB/GYN. He even went so far as to ask his sister for the name of her doctor, albeit giving her a very vague reason why he needed the information.

     Brea had lucked out and was able to get an appointment Tuesday morning. The office had offered her an appointment slot where there had been last-minute cancellation. Jake even took time off from his job to drive her there himself. She had been right in guessing that Jacob had gotten her pregnant just before Christmas – meaning that she was nearing the beginning of her third month. She would be due at the end of September/early October – not a bad time of year to have a birthday, but being a September baby, she was more than prejudiced. Even before seeing the small, alien-looking blob on the screen, they had both been adamant that she keep the baby. They both were overwhelmed once they saw that the baby was healthy. Brea could see that Jacob wanted to be very involved and it made her feel better knowing how committed to the baby he already was, however, she still couldn't figure out how Jacob felt about her. He did manage to tell her that he cared about her, but she already knew as much.

     She lost focus on the work in front of her, allowing her gaze to fall onto the unmade bed. A little over a week ago, she wouldn't have hesitated in calling what they did the night before 'making love,' but since Valentine's Day, she began to question if the things they did and had been doing, and if the connection she felt was nothing more than just sex. She wasn't sure if she knew the difference – they never taught that kind stuff in sex education class. She loathed the fact that she was willing to accept so little from him – that she couldn't hold out for more. She recalled how she had spent the last few days trying to explain how hurt she had been and the fact that the pregnancy exaggerated everything she felt emotionally. He had explained to her in more details about why he divorced Janie and why he needed to think so much about her. She wished that she could have been mad at him for even making a slight comparison between her and Janie, but she knew full well that she herself had made several comparisons between Jacob and Shane.

     She checked the time on her phone. It was four-fifty. 'Close enough to five.' She rationalized to herself. She unlocked her phone to call Dan on his cell phone.

     "Hey Brea. Did you get the design I sent you?"

     "Yeah, but I haven't been able to do much with them. I'm sorry. I haven't been feeling all that well. I just wanted to let you know that I'm calling it a day." She heard a few voices in the background. "I'm so sorry, do you have a client over?"

     Dan had muffled the phone and reprimanded the owners of the voices. "No, no clients. I worked through lunch today to get out early. So, you're meeting Scar and Sav tomorrow, right?"

     "Yes. And if Savannah's there with you, tell her that I'm not saying anything."

     "She's not, but I'm sure she'll ask me if I know."

     "I'll probably be home Sunday. Thanks for helping me with work."

     "Anytime." Brea heard another muffled voice in the background. "I have to go. Feel better." Dan ended the call before Brea could react.

     Brea sighed and looked at the mess on the desk she had made. "I should probably pack all of this up." She placed her idea sketch book in her bag and shut down her laptop. Once she had her work things packed, she climbed into the untouched, clean bed beside the disheveled one. Despite being hungry, her eyes were so heavy that she could think of nothing other than sleep. As she drifted off, all she could think of was how Jacob had told her that he was very scared to love anyone, as much as he had Janie, again. 'I can forget about marriage.' She thought sadly. She jolted in herself awake. "Where did THAT thought come from?" She chided herself before drifting to sleep.

     Several hours later, the clicking of the door handle signaling Jacob's return barely caused Brea to stir. He turned the light on in the darkened room. "Hey Darlin'." He called softly to her.

     Brea stretched, feeling much more rested than before, yet still tired. "Hey Jake..."

     He sat beside her and leaned in to kiss her lips. She turned her head. "What? I can't kiss you now?" He asked, hurt by her refusal.

     "We've spent a week here Jacob, and I am no where near close to knowing what's going on between us, than I was the day you left me that note. I need to know how you feel about me." Her eyes began to brim with tears. "Because I can't take all this crap I'm feeling anymore."

     Jacob wiped a tear from her cheek. "I told you. I care a lot about you. So much, it scares me. Please don't push me Darlin'..." Brea clenched her jaw shut, sniffled, and squeezed here eyes shut. It killed him to see her hurting like that, but, he reasoned, it would be worth the wait. He wrapped his arms around her and held her. "Darlin' I..." He swallowed hard.

     "Don't even think of saying it because you want..." Brea pushed herself back from him. "Not happening tonight."

     "That's not...you'd think I'd just say something like that to...?"

     The glare from Brea gave him chills. There was no doubting she was pissed. "You're a guy, aren't you? You think it's okay to just fuck me? I mean, why not? I'm already pregnant!" She began to storm around the room.

     Jacob sat quietly, unsure of how things escalated this quickly. Brea continued her uncontrolable ranting. Once she had finished, Jacob ventured to ask her, "Brea, did you eat dinner?"

     Brea plopped herself in the desk chair and shook her head no. "I was tired."

     "When did you eat last?"

     "Lunch, when you got me a sandwich."

     Jacob stood up. "That was several hours ago! Come on. If we hurry, we can get an In-N-Out burger before they close."

     "No onions?" Brea reached for his outstretched hand.

     "No onions."

* * *

     Brea had managed to eat an entire double cheeseburger in three bites. "These are so good!" She wiped her chin with her napkin. "I should get another one to go."

     Jacob held up a bag. "I already did." He grinned. "You've been pretty hangry lately."

     "I'm not hangry. I just happen to feel like I'm starving minutes after I've already eaten."

     "So," he passed Brea her chocolate shake, "Are you ready to meet Savannah and Scarlett tomorrow?"

     "Not like I have a choice. I still don't know what to tell them."

     "Tell them that you weren't feeling well and that you needed a break." He stole a french fry from her food basket. "Whatever you do, don't tell them you're pregnant. I told you, I've got something planned."

     "I know. You said that Danielle was going to meet up with us too?"

     "She'll meet you at the hotel. She knows where to go. After you guys spend time together, I'll meet you back at my parents'."

     "Do you realize how hard it'll be not telling her?"

     "I do, and I know you can do it."

* * *