In my current lifespan of 16 years and 1 month I've learned many things about fear. How to attain it, how it consumes you, how it prohibits your bodily functions leaving you motionless, how to deal with it, how to live with it.
At a year old I was afraid of life without my parents. How would an infant imagine any otherwise with no other care in the world and the only caregivers in their lives. What have you else to fear when you are only a year?
At two I was afraid of my feet and the ground beneath them. For the tingles in my toes had yet to be properly introduced to the gritty feel of the earth. Mom got me a roller in assistance to battling my fear I presume.
Age three I was afraid of other kids. Cooped up inside the house you could say I was antisocial but I could care less.
At four I was scared that I couldn't remember what it was like to be a baby crawling around without a single care where the only important thing was being happy and eating so you grow. What was that like? WHAT WAS THAT LIKE?!
At five I was afraid of the New life on its way. My baby brother. I would glue my tiny ear to my mom's belly to hear kick when I spoke because I always spoke to him. I made sure he knew I was there for him.
Age six was the age of colossal changes from nursery to an actual school. It was my last year as a child. I was about to enter a whole New world. And I wasn't at all afraid.
Age seven I was in first grade. I didn't cry for all the parents in the world because I was excited. I was afraid of the dark. Deadly afraid. This fear still carries on unfortunately.
Eight I was afraid for my little brother. He was starting nursery school. He has never been a fan of school unfortunately.
At nine I afraid of boys. I'd seen how unsanitary they were and how they never could catch up with my percentages. I was also afraid of men in ski masks and who woke me up in the early hours of the morning to lead me to my tied up parents. I didn't really like therapy to be honest.
Age ten, I was afraid of death. A lot of people I held near dear died that year and although my conscious knew what had happened, my heart refused to accept it.
Eleven I was afraid of my math teacher. She scared me sideways.
At twelve I was afraid of an Anthony themed pain, which I had never felt before in my life. It was excruciating, like my heart was being ripped right out and my lungs caved. I didn't quite like crying at that time. I made me feel like he'd won. But he did?
Age thirteen I was afraid that I'd miss my teachers too much. I had spent what felt like eons with them and I truly didn't wanna leave and have my sibling take over. What good would that do?
Fourteen I was afraid of high school. I DIDN'T KNOW ANYONE. It was like that time when I was three all over again. If it hadn't been for four essential people I don't know what I would've done with myself.
At fifteen I was afraid of what people said. Their words poked holes in my soul and left my spirit wounded and I tried to patch it up but it never seemed to work for that whole year.
I'm sixteen now. I'm afraid of hurt for it seems to always find ways to appear in different places at different times and it has pestered for too long. I'm still afraid of the dark. The darkness of my doubts deep inside my head, my doubts on everything including myself. I'm afraid of the future because my mom told me that at the rate our country is going me and my cousins might not have one. I'm afraid of love because love drained my heart multiple times and my heart is a shrivel figurative part of my body. It breaks when bent and has yet to be restored because love as taken too much and given too little. I'm afraid of doctors because my mom looks fine to me. I'm scared that I'm going to stay in one place for the rest of my life and that is not a nice thought. I'm afraid I'll lose my talent if i don't use it. I'm afraid of myself. And what I'm capable of.
And most of all? I'm afraid because so many things have filled me with fear of the unknown.
