The Adventures of the HMS Harlot

Part 5: Odessa Ashmore, First Mate

"Or did you not think 'Dessa? Did you not consider the danger you've put the crew in? The Captain in?"

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The Captain is so livid she cannot look at me.

The crew is avoiding me completely.

Ethel's tongue lashing of the century is echoing around me.

The last time I felt this lousy, it was the moment before I ran away from the Armada. I ran for fear of a future with more responsibilities than I could handle. Not to mention my doubts about the Armada; doubts that would have gotten me killed. They probably would have killed my family too. So I did what any sane person would; I faked my death.

Maybe Ethel is right. I endangered them by keeping this secret locked up. My father the right hand of the Emperor, my twin brother a major office of their enemy. They want the Harlot dead because we rebel against their rules and regulations. We threaten the perfect world they have created.

I have lived this life of a pirate with no regrets. I feel a pang in my chest. Alright, maybe one regret. He thinks I'm dead, so it does not matter now.

Nothing seems to matter any more.

No, that's a selfish thing to think. It was selfish to keep this secret from my captain, but more than that she is my friend. I never meant to hurt her; it just felt easier to have this secret. The guilt ebbed away within the first year of working on the ship. It fell so far in the back of my mind, that I could pretend it was not true. I care about the crew and the Harlot. More than any of them could know. I WAS PROTECTING THEM BY STAYING SILENT.

Perhaps, if I want to protect them, I am better off leaving. Running away worked out great the last time. I could take an evacuation boat and sail as far as I can possibly sail. Change my name, dye my hair red this time, and never look back. Go as far as the skies can go. It could work out, right?

Wrong. There is no way I will not be caught, tortured, and killed. My face is too recognizable as the Harlot's first mate.

Ethel's right...I've made such a mess.

The part I cannot understand is why she said I don't care. What does keeping this secret have to do with caring? You must keep secrets from your family. At least, that's what my father used to say...What am I thinking? I hated my father. He's a cruel, vindictive man that once nearly beat me half to death for lying to him. The thought of him makes my skin crawl.

I kept this secret because I care about the Harlot more than my past. If the crew had known just how deep my Armada roots go, they would have never trusted me. I know this to be true.

Maybe I needed to believe the crew, Ethel, and the Captain would trust me no matter what my past held. I guess I was just protecting myself all along.

Was I helping by hurting? I guess I have hurt more than helped. Sounds like I belonged with the Armada all along.

Odessa Ashmore, First Mate