iris

[35] distraction

Jungkook made his way towards the house for the third time that week, now surrounded in police officers who would send anyone trying to get close away. He had already been in a pensive mood and hadn't talked to anyone all day. Not even daring to open his mouth to breathe. He kept it sealed shut, cutting off communication with everyone including his own brother.

"Sorry kid, you are going to have to stay away," he was told as he peeked around the officer's body, trying to catch a glimpse at what they were doing. He didn't speak, simply shook his head and attempted to push against the tall figure keeping him from the house. "Oi! Stop!" He continuously shook his head from side to side in continuous protest as he managed to slip past the barriers, running over to where he had drawn on the pavement only two days ago. He frowned upon seeing his drawings were gone, but was happy his carvings were still in place. Placing down the book in his arms, he tried to smile as he read over the title. He didn't know any of the intriguing things historians wrote about, but he'd skim through the books before leaving them for Taehyung. "Get back here!" Someone interrupted his thoughts, yanking his arms back as he was dragged away.

Struggling against the tight hold on his arms, he looked up at the people in safety harnesses that were searching delicately through the rubble. Were they looking for Taehyung? Did they even know who he was? He felt the same sinking feeling in his chest and the heart break he'd been repeatedly experiencing returned. "If I see you here again I'm going to have to arrest you, got it kid?" Jungkook nodded, but he knew that he'd just return the next day. He couldn't stay away, needing to feel close to someone he loved even if they could not love him back.

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"Jungkook, Jin's here to see you," Hoseok called from the doorway, watching his brother shut down. His pen scratched against paper, sweater covering his fingers. Completely stiff, his body was hunched over, eyes glued to the page; still glassy and damaged. He ignored the words his brother gave, turning the page on his textbook. "He wants to see you." There was n reply. Not even a mumble.   "Please stop doing this, please let someone help." Hoseok continued in despair whilst he leant against the doorframe. He'd learnt not to enter the room or else he'd have a book thrown at his head.

"Hypocrite," Jungkook sneered through gritted teeth, his voice was hoarse from dehydration and lack of use. He was barely talking anymore.

"Why am I a hypocrite?" Hoseok asked curiously, trying to continue this spark of a conversation. But Jungkook didn't reply. "Look, I'm sending Jin in. Please don't throw a book at him."

"No promises," he muttered out as Hoseok left.

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Jin entered the room with hands up over his hand as he stepped over piles of clothes with wary strides.

"Jungkookie," he called, smiling softly at the sight of Jungkook resting his head on the desk, arms wrapped over his head as his body shifted with each slow breath. "It's good to see you," he added, walking over and sitting at the end of Jungkook's bed. He brushed his fingers over the surface, picking up thick layers of dust. The bed was neatly made not looking like it had been slept in for days. "How have you been?" Jin continued hesitantly, knowing it was a touchy subject. He had heard what happened from the staff at school, had seen on the news. The school had given a minute silence for Taehyung. He had seen Jungkook's shattered expression as he drew pained emotions during their class. "Jungkook, you're in pain, I get that. But locking it up and hiding from people won't help."

"It's helping so far," Jungkook whispered finally, fingers curling over his ears as he peeked out to stare over at Jin who tried to give him a warm smile. "I haven't cried in four days, you know how long that is for me. I've been okay. It works Jin, more than you think it does." Jin shook his head, rubbing at his chin as he watched Jungkook stare down at his finished work pile.

"It will catch up to you. You'll start losing your mind. Grief is meant to be let out not bottled up."

"It's not grief!" Jungkook barked angrilyx pulling at his hair as he turned back to his desk breaths increasing with each tensed movement of his body. "It's shame, guilt, things that can't be dealt with by simply talking about them." He picked up his pen and pressed it to the paper as he wrote softly in the corner of his page Taehyung, decorating the name with little hearts. "He's dead because of me," he finished eventually.

"Why do you believe that?" Jin spoke softly, knowing he was finally getting somewhere.

"I pushed him, made him angry with my curiosity. I don't know what happened that day but something caused that house to fall. It has something to do with Taehyung's emotions and I pushed the boundaries of them. His father just gave assistance in pushing him over the line. He's dead because I couldn't keep my fucking mouth shut!" He shuddered into the words, shaking his head desperately to rid the heaviness of tears that refused to fall.

"Hmm, it really is guilt," Jin responded, standing up and strolling to Jungkook's side. He rested a delicate hand on the boy's shoulder, though was almost immediately pushed away. "You must know that deep down, there was nothing you could have done. That's not a burden that should be put on you." Jungkook turned away, biting his thumb as he refused to acknowledge the words. "Taehyung's life was complicated, Jimin told me about the anger and fear he had. He was coming back you know. Jimin wanted to say sorry to Taehyung. Your words to him that night opened his eyes a bit. And he doesn't hate you, he understands your mistake. He's made some pretty stupid ones himself." Jungkook nodded in vague acknowledgement of what eas being said, pulling at a strip of skin on his thumb nail as he stared absently out the window. Unable to find truth in the words that were drowned out by his blaring guilt that roared in his ears.

He wanted it all to go away, the screaming in his head, the flashes in front of his eyes. There had to be a way to rid these memories that taunted him...

"Please leave me alone," he eventually whispered, "tell Hoseok I'm not having dinner." Jin sighed, nodding slightly as he brushed a soft hand through Jungkook's light brunette hair.

"Will I see you in class tomorrow?" He didnt get an answer. Jin took that as a sign to leave, doing so with an exhale of irritation and sympathy.

As soon as the door clicked shut, Jungkook slammed his book shut, letting out a small groan of pain as he pressed fingers to his temples, breathing heavily.

"Go away!" He cried, rubbing his eyes and digging his palms into them in attempt to block out the face that just wouldn't leave him alone. He dug in until white splotches filled his vision. "Please, you're dead... just stop!" He was speaking to an empty room as he looked around for something that could distract him from the problem.

His eyes focused on the white hoodie that was buried under a pile of clothes he refused to pick up, reaching over to snatched up the material as he brought the fabric to his nose. He inhaled the horrendous smell, an idea sparking.

He got up, pulling on black boots and grabbing his wallet that was practically empty except for a debit card. He got out his student ID from the slip in its leather casing, placing it down on the table. He inspected the picture, cringing slightly. But he was happy the dark and off lighting made his features look different.

He grabbed a pair of scissors from his desk and began to engrave the card, taking a few minutes to remove his school name. He looked towards his bedroom door as he listened for noises. Not hearing anyone close by, he pulled his hood over his head and lifted the window in his room. For the fourth time that week, he ran away. Though he wouldn't be visiting Taehyung that night.

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