Dear Diary,
Is it possible for clarity to come from pain? I realize that it can't be normal, but nothing about my life is. Those long, dark hours spent in confinement have made me into something that will probably never have the kind of reactions that you'd see written about in novels of heroism and romance.
When my father's wife started getting creative in her 'punishments', I learned how to focus on the pain, how to let it carry me through to the next moment, and then the one after that. Losing consciousness never deterred her, and I could never be certain of what I would wake to. If I could keep myself from passing out, at least I had a fighting chance to make it through. I would concentrate on the sensations, however unpleasant, wracking my body. It worked, because I'm still here.
I wonder if that's what I've been waiting for all along. The emotional hurt is something new to me, and I am starting to suspect that all of those 'blank' times were me trying to get a grip on it all, but it wasn't working, because I've been conditioned differently.
Well, I'm wide awake now. I'm feeling everything, and there's no going back to oblivion.
