Love and Fame (Harry Styles)

Chapter 26

It was time to go home. I couldn't linger anymore. It wasn't fair to neither of us.

Harry had left me the day of the fight, and I hadn't seen him since. He was obviously going to stay away for as long as I was in his apartment. It didn't feel right, but I packed my bags and left the place that had been empty for weeks.

Harry hadn't even bothered to come home to get his essentials. He had just left with what was on his back at the time of our fight, and then he had been hiding out at Niall's ever since. I only knew that because Niall had called to tell me.

Harry didn't even pick up my calls or answer my texts. He didn't talk to me at all. It was like he didn't exist anymore.

My heart shattered into even tinier pieces when I turned off the lights and closed the door of the home I had shared with Harry for so long. I found myself wondering if I would ever come back.

My empty drawers and clothe hangers in the closet and the locked entrance door made everything final and I promised myself never to fall in love again. It just wasn't worth the heartbreak.

I almost didn't endure the long journey home alone. I wanted to turn around several times in the taxicab to the airport, and in the security queues. But I didn't.

Because Harry didn't want me to come back. He didn't want to see me anymore.

The thought of it almost made my façade crumble, but I managed to stay strong as I checked in my bags. I kept my head high and smiled at whoever recognized me, pretending I was happily heading back home to see my family for the weekend or something.

Once on the plane, I untangled my headphones and turned my iPod on. I pulled out an old playlist, one that I hadn't needed in a while. It was the one with a collection of sad songs. I had created it after Luke had left for Texas, but I hadn't even listened to it since.

But now all the sad love songs suddenly made sense again. And as I was listening to a never-ending sample of devastating songs, I felt as if someone had ripped my heart out.

I hadn't been able to breathe properly ever since Harry had said those words, that we were done. Ever since he had left me, it had felt as if iron fists were squeezing my lungs shut. My breath was so shallow, like I was just an empty shell with nothing inside.

I managed the flight home without completely breaking down. I was on the verge of tears a few times, but I sternly blinked them away, not allowing myself to appear broken and weak.

I didn't want a public breakdown because I knew that people were paying attention to me now. I wasn't just a 'regular' and anonymous person anymore. I was One Direction's sidekick and Harry Styles' girlfriend. Well, ex girlfriend now, I guess...

I struggled with my bags all the way from the airport and home, and almost started crying again when I for a horrible second thought I had left my house keys in London. I couldn't find them and I frantically rummaged through my bag, almost emptying it completely, before I realized that I had them in the pockets of my jeans.

As I locked myself into the building, I realized that my apartment didn't feel like home anymore. Nowhere would feel like home without Harry.

He and I had lived so many places together; his apartment, my apartment, our families apartments, the tour bus, numerous hotel rooms... And they had all felt like home just because of Harry's presence.

And now I was standing in my dark hallway for the first time without him. And all I wanted to do was to turn back and return to where the love of my life was.

But I wasn't the love of his life anymore, so I just had to swallow hard and get used to staying in my apartment alone.

I tried not to cry, but once I turned on Dad's old record player and placed a Beatles vinyl under the pin, here was no way to keep the tears back.

Losing Harry felt like losing my dad all over again. I had been equally dependent on both of them, and now none of them were in my life anymore.

I was too broken to do anything so I stripped off my clothes and crawled under the covers of my bed. I curled up in a ball, hugging myself, and cried for hours because I didn't know what else to do.

I was so lost without Harry. He had been such a big part of my life lately and now that he was gone I felt so empty and alone. It was like life didn't have a meaning anymore.

And the worst thing was that not only had I lost Harry, but I had lost my privacy too. The paparazzi was constantly after me and there were numerous gossip shows talking about me on a daily basis. Most of it were just random updates about what I was up to at the moment, but some of them were hurtful rumors that wounded me even more now when I was alone.

I was hungry, but I didn't even dare to go to the grocery store because I feared that someone would recognize me and spark up a conversation. I wouldn't be able to keep the painful feeling off of my face, and I didn't even know what to tell people if they asked me about Harry.

Should I tell them that we were broken up and not talking to each other anymore? Or should I lie and say that we were as good as ever? Both options would be just as difficult to maintain.

The publicity had all been bearable when Harry and I had been able to laugh about it and support each other. But now I didn't have anyone around me who understood exactly what I was going through.

Niall called me almost every night to check up on me and I could talk to him about it, but it wasn't quite the same.

No one could kiss the hurts away like Harry could... Whenever there had been a horrible rumor about me, Harry had been there to make it all better.

But not anymore. I had to heal my own hurts now.