Want Him, Can't Have Him.

Stray Heart

Billie had texted Jason and I while we were eating breakfast to let us know that band practice was surprisingly still on, so our plans for the day were stamped out before they were even made.
"I'm not sure this is a good idea." I mumbled after he'd read the text.

"Weren't you the one that said you wanted everything to go back to normal? Maybe this is going to be it. Maybe they've sorted things out and we can all just be ourselves again."

"I do, but I don't think it's going to happen in a day... I think things might be worse than before... remember how angry they were last night? I don't think that will have just gone away."

"You don't know that, they might have talked things through to a point where they don't want to rip each other's throats out."

I laughed, "I hope so otherwise practice might be a lot less lively and a lot more bloody."

He smirked at me, "are you gonna be okay?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well there's the possibility that they've worked things out and they're gonna be back to they way they were before..."

I sighed, "I put up with it for three months, what's another day?"

"Fair enough... I just want you to be prepared for it, that's all. I don't like to see you like that."

I half smiled, "I don't exactly like feeling like that either... but at least if they are back together, that's better than what it's like now."

"True."

We decided to get lunch before meeting with our friends but I could hardly eat, I was so nervous. Jason noticed my unusual lack of appetite and smiled reassuringly.
"It'll be okay."

We met in the mirrored room once more and Billie and Mike were there already. The room felt a little uncomfortable and Mike didn't really look at me, but that was understandable. Billie smiled at us both as we walked to our instruments and I sat behind the drums. I didn't want to ask how things were going because I didn't really want to know. If they were back together then I'd be miserable, if not then Mike and Billie could be angry with me, and that would make me even more miserable.
I waited quietly until they gave the instructions and played along as usual.

We played through the usual songs and 'Oh Love' came up, making my stomach churn, remembering that Billie had probably dedicated it to Mike. I closed my eyes for a moment to try and stay focused which seemed to work.

At the end of the song, Billie cleared his throat. "This is a new one, I've put it in your folders, but I'll play through what I've come up with first. It's called 'Stray Heart'."

"I lost my way
Oh baby this stray heart
Went to another
Can you recover baby?
Oh you're the only one that I'm dreamin' of
Your precious heart
Was torn apart by me and you
You're not alone
Oh oh and now I'm where I belong
We're not alone
Oh oh I'll hold your heart and never let go
Everything that I want
I want from you
But I just can't have you
Everything that I need
I need from you
But I just can't have you"

He looked up at me while I sat and watched and I quickly looked away, not wanting his sympathy. He carried on singing, the song was nice. I would have liked it a lot if it wasn't about Mike, which it clearly was.
"Excuse me." I mumbled and got up from my stool to hurry out of the room. I needed to get some air, it was all too much.
Billie stopped singing and frowned after me and Jason put down his guitar and trotted after me.

"You okay?" He asked when we got outside.

"Yeah..." I took a few deep breaths to calm myself, "it's just... that song. After all this I still mean nothing to him. After everything that's happened, he hasn't spoken to me and just gets back with Mike."

"I don't know, they both seem pretty distant to me."

"Distant or not, he's still singing those songs for him."

"What are you talking about?"

"Don't say you haven't noticed? 'Oh Love'? 'Fell For You'? And now 'Stray Heart'? They're all about him. Every word he sings is for Mike and I can't hear them without dying inside." I took a breath and realised I'd just poured my heart out to Jason and felt embarrassed. I went to apologise and heard someone clear their throat from the door, and we both jumped.

"Is that true?" Billie asked, his emerald orbs gleaming at me from his worried face.

Jason looked from him to me and sighed, "I'll meet you inside."

My eyes followed him in and tried not to look at Billie. The look he was giving killed me and I knew that I'd end up telling him everything if the chance came up. I didn't want to do that.
"Tré?"
I looked up at him and met his gaze.
"Is that true?"

"Is what true?"

"Don't play dumb with me, I heard everything, is it true?"

"Well you shouldn't have been listening to our conversation!" I snapped and he looked a little taken back.

"Well you're the one that stormed off, I wanted to see if you were okay!"

"Why? 'You haven't shown any interest before'!"

"Well I am now!"

"Why? What could you possibly want to do to me now?"

He stared at me, "I never meant for any of this. I... why would you think I ever wanted to hurt you? Do you think it's intentional? Because it's not!"

"Well maybe you could actually show come consideration before you lead me on and then drop me straight away for Mike!" I almost finished the sentence before my voice started to break and I tried to swallow the heartbreak away.

"Tré... I didn't mean to do that..."

"You've made that pretty clear."

"What I mean is, I didn't mean to go running back to Mike. He's safe and I was upset, I thought that was the right thing to do..."

"For me? Or for you?"

"For me." He admitted and his head dropped a little. "I'm sorry..."

"Well it's too damn late now isn't it."

He looked up to meet my glare and the remorse on his face made my own head fall.
"Is it?"

"What do you think?" I snapped my head up to look at him again. "If it were the other way round would you forgive me? If the person you l-" I stopped dead and clamped my mouth shut, almost dropping myself in it.

He frowned at me, "the person you what?"

I shook my head, "just forget it." I turned and left him standing in the doorway, hoping that maybe he hadn't figured it out on his own.