Invisible Pain

Chapter Nineteen

    "So Karissa, can you tell me about yourself?" Asked Dr. Ryan as her and Karissa are sitting down in her office. "I'm not sure how to answer that." Karissa replies not knowing how to express herself. "It can be anything from the top of your head or how about your family life? What can you tell me about that?", "Well...my parents divorced when I was a couple of months old and I have two older siblings, a brother and a sister.", "So you're the youngest of your family, is that correct?", "Yes it is, but I was more close to my parents than my siblings.", "Could you tell me why is that dear? Were you bullied by them?". Karissa takes a deep breath as she has never told anyone this, "Yes I was, I was bullied and they were verbally abusive towards me. They blamed me for everything and had this idea in their head that I was the reason that our parents got divorced so they picked on me ever since because they were a lot happier until I had came along.".
"How did that make you feel?" Karissa wanted to cry but was able to pull herself together as she didn't want to in front of the Doctor. "I-It made m-me feel like I was worthless, that I wasn't meant to be in this world and I shouldn't deserve anything good or better since all I am is a big mistake to them.". Dr. Ryan writes away on her clipboard as Karissa was getting anxious and feeling scared, wondering what the next questions were going to be. "I can tell you didn't have a very good childhood. Do you ever speak to them?", "No, they don't want anything to do with me and I don't want anything to do with them. I moved away from home so I could start a new life and was hoping to be happy.", "Where was home?", "Beacon, NY. That's where I grew up in. They both still live there but there are times my parents wished we all had gotten along and rekindled.", "Do you wish it was?". Karissa started to choke, "Y-Yes I wish so badly, I just wish we weren't like we are now. There are times I want to fix it but there are times I don't want to.", "How come if you don't feel like fixing it?", "Because I don't want to deal with them bullying me, in case they do that again. They never did care about me.".
What had felt like an interview for Karissa became more and more emotional for her as Dr. Ryan began to ask her about her self-harm behaviour. "Do you remember what happened to you in the bathroom stall?", "I do, I had a silent panic attack while cutting myself and I had fallen to the floor passing out when I had hit my head on the toilet paper roll holder.", "That is correct, do you remember why you had cut yourself the way you did?", "I was just sad.", "Something was on your mind that day I can tell by the look on your face.", "I have a boyfriend or at least I did, I think we broke up and he was abusive towards me, putting me always second and he has a sister who is always number one.", "Was he abusive in a way that it was physical?", "No, he was a lot like my brother and sister, just said terrible things to me that had made me extremely sad.".
    Karissa explains to Dr. Ryan about everything about the relationship which made her cry in tears and how he used her for sex instead of loving her to her ex boyfriend Marcus. "With many girls I have talked to, they all had similar situations like you. They didn't know what to do and instead they still kept on being with their boyfriends or spouses, thinking they will still get moral support.", "That's exactly how I feel, I feel Trevor is manipulating me and used me instead of loving me for who I am and I just wish he could see that.".
    "Can you begin to tell me when you had started cutting, how old were you?", "I was seventeen when I began cutting myself, I was already done High School and by the time fall had emerged, I started to become depressed, almost as if everything was catching up to me. I wasn't sure why I did the way I did but that's when I started cutting myself.", "What kind of objects do you use to cut yourself with?", "I used knives, razor blades, tack pins, sometimes something sharp from a geometry set or a piece of glass.", "Do you do it just on your arms and thighs?", "No, I sometimes do it on my chest and stomach too but I find doing it on my arms gives me more adrenaline.", "Have you have tried to commit suicide?", "I did once, if this counts or not. I was driving my truck to work the other day and I was at a stop sign and without thinking, I saw a car coming on my left and I kept on driving straight hoping the car would hit me and kill me.". "How did that make you feel?","I felt really scared when I did that and never again did I attempt that.".
    Karissa then told Dr. Ryan about her throwing up on purpose, binge drinking and having panic attacks frequently. "Do you often hear voices?", "No I usually don't". "Well since the bandages are taken off, can you show me your arms?". Without hesitation, Karissa rolls up her sleeves and shows it to Dr. Ryan. All she could hear from her was a gasp and mutters "Tsk, oh dear.". Karissa felt ashamed immediately and her face started to turn red. "Don't be ashamed my dear, it's amazing that you been battling this by yourself for so long, what three years?", "Y-yes".
    "So with this being your very first time seeing a Psychiatrist, I am going to diagnose you Major Depressive Disorder, Social Anxiety Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder.". Karissa gulped and didn't realize how sick she really was. "What I am going to do is prescribe some antidepressants for you to try for two weeks and see how you feel in the meantime, but if it doesn't work then we will try other ones that will best suit for you. Sounds good?" Karissa nods her head slowly, "What it's going to do for these medications is going to get rid of that static in your brain so it can function properly back to what it was before. I'll start you off with "Bupropin" known as Wellbrutin.", "Ok Dr. Ryan, I want to get better.".