The Jezabels - Peace of Mind
"Hey there, baby, we'll be fine
I'll always want your peace of mind
I'll always look forward to better days ahead"
•••
My ears were filled with silent. Everything was numb. I felt no pain. I felt peaceful.
I couldn't move, as if something had taken over my body. Was it fear? Was it the end? Is this what it feels like?
A million thoughts rushed through my head. But I seemed unable to catch them. Too much was on my mind. It was as if I couldn't see. See where I was or what was going on around me. It was all so empty, cold. But still, it was the most comfortable I had ever felt in my life.
Just, as if everything was slowly disappearing, leaving me. As if I was about to go on a journey into the unknown. But I wasn't scared. Scared to let go of my life, the world underneath my feet. I no longer stood on a ground.
I was floating. Drifting away. Every breath I took became heavier. The darkness around me made it hard for me to concentrate.
I thought of Holder. His face, the way he looked at me before I left him standing in the rain. The last time I was able to lay my eyes on his beautiful face, to look into his mesmerising brown eyes.
But I couldn't stand to see tears in them. To see his face being covered in so much misery and pain.
I wish I was able to turn back time, to stop whatever made me drifting away. To make the blackness that surrounded me turn into light.
I opened my mouth to speak but no words would escape from it. I was too weak, all I could do was lying here watching the world go by. It was like a dream, but I didn't know how to wake up.
I thought of Holder again. If these are my last minutes on this planet, I want to think of something that brings me happiness, something that makes me less scared of what was in front of me.
When I first met Holder, he immediately caused me trouble. I couldn't believe lieutenant Waller had paired me up with this jerk. An former narcotics detective that was now supposed to be added to the homicide team of the Seattle police department.
To become my partner. A part of my life. I couldn't get along with that thought.
Until Holder showed me his real face. Our first case was the case of Rachel McDermott.
She was 14. A street kid. Selling her body for money, to survive. She had long blonde hair, green eyes.
Her throat was slid, she was raped and her body was dumped like a piece of garbage. We found her wrapped up in a trash bag, on the highway.
I will never forget the way Holder looked at her.
He was like hypnotised. He stared down the place she laid. He didn't speak a word. It was the way he looked at the body that took my breath away.
He never told me why seeing Rachel lying in that trench made him feel this way. When we were back in the car, he threw his arms around me.
We had known each other for only 1 week. But he made me a promise.
A strange girl he hardly knew. He promised me to always come and look after me. To get me out of any trouble, he promised me to never leave me behind.
Gunshots.
A whole lot of them. My ears hurt. I heard them all around me.
It was as if I was in the middle of a war. Then, silence. Again. I dared to open my eyes, despite of how scared I was about what I might see.
The silhouette of a man came over to me. He fell to his knees. I couldn't hear what he said, I was too numb.
He picked me up from the puddle of blood I laid in, he held me tight. I couldn't move, but yet, I was still there, he must've known that. I pushed my hair behind my ears, it was sticky from the blood. So sticky.
He pressed my body so close his, my face rested against his chest so that I could hear his heart beat. It was slow, just like mine. He breathed heavily. I wished I could've recognised his face, seeing him. He then pressed his lips on mine, I wished to be able to respond to his kiss, to show him that somewhere inside the body of this sticky, bloody girl was still a breathing and living soul.
Whatever it was that had chained me to this body wasn't gonna let me leave any time soon.
•••
