Tweedle-dumb And Tweedle-dead

Breaking Inside

I think about why I'm alone,

By myself no one else to explain.

How far do I go?

No one knows...

~Shinedown

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[I already said a trigger warning at the beginning but I just want to say in case, the first part of this chapter could be very triggering for self harm]

ASHTONS P.O.V.

It's Sunday. Sunday the 16th. There's one hundred and seven days left. One hundred and seven days of torture. One hundred and seven days of breathing. One hundred and seven days of hell.

It's so long. I don't know how to do it. I don't know if I can. I don't want to anymore, but it's the only thing I can do for him. But right now, it's so painful, everything. I really don't care right now.

I can't take it. I can't. It's too much. It's too painful. 

It's all my fault. I have no right to complain, I ruined my own life. I also ruined his. He was the one I could tell anything to. He was the one who would be here helping me now.

But I don't deserve help now. I don't deserve their friendship anymore. I dont deserve the air I breathe. I don't deserve to eat. I don't deserve to take up space.

I'm sitting on my bathroom floor, blood already flowing from both my arms, I'm not even crying.

I don't even flinch as I drag the blade so deep I can't see half of it. I don't freak out about the fairly large puddle of blood on the ground, or how dizzy I am. I don't get upset about how I can't even see either of my arms anymore because of all the blood, I just get frustrated. 

There's not enough room. Not enough release. Not enough skin left. 

I pull down my pants and start on my thighs, I rarely cut on my thighs, it's easier on my arms. 

I'm just finishing on my right thigh when things start to fade. I don't care, I keep going to my left thigh. 

I'm about halfway down my left side when my vision goes black. I drop my blade and the last thing I register before I pass out is my body slumping against the side of the bath tub.

                                   ☆

My head hurts. My arms and thighs feel like they're on fire. Everything is so heavy, it feels like I can't even open my eyes. My throat is so dry.

I stay sitting on the floor, not even opening my eyes. It could have been two minutes or two hours, I don't know. 

Finally I muster up the strength, and motivation, to open my eyes. I'm on my bathroom floor, covered in dried blood. I must have been here for a while. 

I'm not too surprised, I've passed out before. Sometimes I wish I never woke up, but I guess I'm glad I do for him.

It takes a while, again I'm not sure how long, until I finally move. I crawl to the sink and use it to stand up.

I wet paper towels and gently clean off most of the blood, and after probably an hour or two I finally finish.

I use the walls and furniture to somehow stumble to my bed. I change in to sweats and a t-shirt and basically fall in to my bed. 

I look at my night table to see my phone and, to my luck, a full water bottle. I lift my heavy arm and get the water bottle, chugging it all down.

I pick up my phone and check the time and date. It's 3:48 AM, the 19th. I've never passed out for three days. That's probably bad. Oh well.

I close my eyes and fall asleep in seconds, half glad and half upset that I woke up at all.

                                      ♡

Hello! So this was a pretty heavy chapter I guess. I really hope its not triggering to anyone, I put a warning at the begging so hopefully people won't read if they're easily triggered.

☆What do you think of the book so far? Please comment :)☆

Okay, so yeah. Not much to say right now.

Love you!♡

~Cyanide Tally