For 13 years...
Sometimes, it’s so hard to pretend that you don’t care. It’s hard to keep silent to cover up all the pain dwelling inside. Why does proving have to be that difficult? Why does action always speak louder than words? Why am I always acting like I’m numb whenever I hurt people? Why am I always muted to apologize and admit my mistake?
For 13 years, I’ve become selfish and narcissistic. My selfishness blocked my sight and never sees the efforts of my parents. I’m always thinking, if God loves me, why did He give me such parents? I’m always thinking, my parents aren’t good enough for me; that I deserve better. But no, I was wrong. I’m not good enough for my parents... They deserve someone better.
For 13 years, I always say I love them. For 13 years, I never had the chance to prove that. I know words aren’t enough. But proving what you say is just so damn hard. For 13 years, I’ve been thinking on how to make them happy. Yet, all I do is to disappoint them. Yet, all I do is to mess my life up; including theirs.
For 13 years, I envy people. Those people who are good enough to make their parents smile; those who make their parents proud; those who don’t disappoint and disobey their parents; those who make their parents proud. How I wish I was like them. But why do I always fail? Why do the things I wanted to do for them always mess up? Am I destined just to become a big disappointment to them?
For 13 years, I’ve always wanted to move to the next chapter of my life and fix all the mess I made. But I can’t. How can I move to the next chapter, if I kept on rereading the previous one? My voice is muted to say sorry. My heart is too prideful to accept all my mistakes. My body is too lazy and numb to prove that I love them.
But now, I’m ready. If my parents are reading this, I’m so, so sorry. This five-letter word isn’t enough to erase all the pain I put you through. But now, I’m ready to admit all the mistakes I’ve made. Now, I’m ready to prove to you that I’m so grateful to God; He gave me the both of you. And for the many years to come, I’ll never stop in doing these three things to you. I can’t promise I’ll never make a mistake again, but I can promise you this... more problems and circumstances will come on our way, but I will do my best for us to surpass all of them and continue the journey of life together.
I love you, mom, and dad. And, I’m sorry. For 13 years, I’m not capable of proving that to you.
Carmela Isabelle Disilio
