This Boy; My life as Ftm Transgender[discontinued]

[2] Red paintings

*trigger warning*

Don't let yourself bottle up feelings. Its awful and bad for you health.

Trust me I know.

In the beginning of 7th grade I went into a state of depression. I was super bipolar all the time and would get hurt at the stupidest things. Being transgender is tough on you and it was hurting me. I felt like a monster. I felt different and that I didn't belong.

So this is where my story gets... Sad? Depressing? All of the above.

I began to cut.

Yup.

Self harm.

I was so done with the emotional pain dragging me down that one day it just... happened. It's hard to explain unless you've gone through this yourself. It really is like you numb and you can't think straight and you grab whatever and just slice your skin like a piece of dang paper.

For me, it started out with scissors that were dull af. I didn't even get into my skin and there was not any blood at all. Just feeling the metal on my skin felt nice at the time. After a while it went to safety pins (ironic I know) and I just began to prick at my skin, this time drawing blood, not much though. Then after that, it got really graphic and got worse. I took blades from sharpeners and cut my skin. I just didn't care at that point and it was just horrible.

I've been clean for about 3 months now and my friends have help me a lot, even if they don't know they are. Last year I was being counseled by my counsler every day. She would pull me pout of class to check up on me. What was scary is what she asked me the first day.

"Can I see them?"

I literally wanted to flippin kick her in the shin and run out the door but I knew I couldn't escape that easily. Ever since then until the end of the year she just pulled me put of class, we'd talk blah blah blah.

I mean, it did help. But only a little. I stopped for like a month but started cutting again.

That time I started cutting my thighs, chest, stomach, and basically anywhere that I was insecure or dysphoric about. But not anywhere she could see them.

Its tough talking about my story but I know someone somewhere needs to here this to know they aren't alone.

So yeah that was an experience. A bad one too. I still need to recover and I know its gonna be tough. Dyshporia is hard to live with because you can't feel comfortable with yourself and you just want to claw at your skin to try to get out.

But one day everything will be fine.

Or finer

That's a word right? XD Jk but seriously though XD

Just know life does get better : )