Broken

Chapter 8- External and Internal Pain

"You know, you don't have to help me. I'm capable of doing this myself."
"Mmhmm...sure. Now sit still and move your arm."
Raquel forcefully moved my arm out of the way of my side to inspect my stitching. I was sitting at the dining table with my left side facing her in the chair. She carefully used the scissors to cut the fragile wires. There was a previous bandage taped around my side, until I gave her permission to remove it. She tenderly moved her fingers acrossed the stitched area. She didn't say anything for the longest time. It made me nervous.
"Does it look bad?"
"No. It looks really good. There's no signs of infection. It healed up very well for it just being only a few days. It looks a tad raw around the area though. After I remove the stitches, I'll dab some alcohol on it, just to be safe."
I winced a bit now and then everything she'd cut and pull out the wires. It wasn't numbed, so I could feel everything. It didn't really hurt, but it was uncomfortable. Once that was finished, Raquel went to get the rubbing alcohol. I wasn't looking forward to this part.
She came back with a rag in one hand and the alcohol in the other as I uneasily watched her pour the alcohol on the cloth. She knelt down on her knees beside me.
"You okay?"
I nodded.
She slowly moved her arm forward to the wound.
"Now, this might sting a bit..."
I instantly felt an eruption of stinging pain in my side. I tried my best not to cry out. I only gasped. Drawing in a sharp breath through my clenched teeth, I arched my back in the chair. Raquel quickly pulled the cloth away. She looked at me with worry filled eyes.,
"I'm sorry. I didn't know it would hurt that much!"
"It-it-t's alright. Just shocked me a bit is all...Please continue." My hands tightly gripped a hold onto the arms of the chair as she continued dabbing the damp cloth over the sensitive area through my gasps and soft whimpers. Every burning touch felt like a thousand bees stinging. She only did it for a few minutes or so but the pain made it feel longer. I just waited for her to finish. But after awhile the sting became more bearable and eased into a somewhat relieving throbbing sensation.
I've never been one to ask for help from anybody. I would always try to handle things on my own, to deal with problems myself. It has always been an issue were I would always push people away when they knew I needed help, though I'd convince myself otherwise. But the foreign feeling of being cared for by someone, who was willing to stand by me through the most difficult time in my life, gave me a slight feeling of relief that I wasn't alone.
Just like in my dreams, I have been afraid of Raquel turning her back on me. But for the last few days, she has done so much for me, more than what I have asked for. She is truly a diamond in the ashes...a guardian angel...she was a blessing that came into my life at the time when I needed it the most. Raquel Cross, was the only one who gave me comfort and peace. I didn't care weather she was human or mutated. Her personality was beautiful. She is an angel in my eyes.
I love her...
"Um Leo?...Hey, earth to Leonardo? Ya there? Yoohoo!..."
I flinched, returning back to reality to see Raquel standing over me, snapping her fingers and waving her hand in front of my face.
I blinked. "Um, yeah right here."
She giggled.
"Ya zoned out on me there for a moment eh?" She jokingly rose an eyebrow at me with a crooked smile. I couldn't help but find it cute.
I let out a breathless chuckle. "Sorry."
"Don't apologize Leo." Raquel gently rested a hand on my shoulder, rubbing my shoulder in smooth circles. I tried to keep the moan that tried to escape in my throat. I looked up into her compassionate eyes.
"Leo, you say sorry all the time, even when something is not your fault. You need to stop doing that. It's not healthy."
"Sorry." Shit! That time I felt like slapping myself upside my head.
"You did it again!" She laughed.
My cheeks burned with embarrassment. I turned away and evaded her eyes. "I-I know, I'm-"
"Don't-" She raised her finger in front of my eyes. "...say it."
After a moment of silence, we both broke out into a fit of laughter.
It's moments like this every time I'm with her, I wish would never end.
"Haha. alright, alright." I managed to say. I stared at Raquel's bright face. As her laughter subsided, her facial expression returned to a calm state and a satisfied smile curved on her lips. She stared at me for a long while, studying me.
"What?"
"Nothing," She started sheepishly, "It's just I don't think I've ever heard you laugh before since I've known you."
My smile slowly faded as her words sunk in.
She wasn't wrong. After this long, I rarely ever laughed at anything. It actually surprised me when laughter escaped me. Trying to get through my depression didn't really make space for any happy emotion. It was a rare occasion when I ever even smiled anymore. I remember when I used to be happy, back when I was home, surrounded by the ones I loved. Raph, Donnie, Mikey...Father, April and Casey...my family. How I missed them so much. Longed for them to be here with me again.
All these thoughts, again, swam through my head. I slumped back in the chair. My breath was shaky, my nerves were already shot. I was feeling the pre-effects of a panic attack rush over my body.
Oh no, not now...Please not now.
My muscles became stiff and my body began to tremble to the point I couldn't control it. I willed for it to stop, but I had no strength to try. My breath became labored and my chest tightened up. My head was swimming and I was beginning to see stars. I felt faint.
I guess Raquel noticed my condition and caused her to rush over to me. She knelt in front of me and reached out her hands out and cupped my cheeks, forcing me to gaze into her worry filled, yet beautiful golden-amber eyes.
She began to whisper softly to me tender, reassuring words in he's of trying to comfort me the best she can. But it want working.
"Shh...Leo, I'm right here...just relax...relax...Shh shh, It's okay, I'm right here."
I felt so humiliated by the way she was treating me, like a mother would to her child. Though I felt a slight warm comforting feeling nestle itself inside me. It was her touch that really helped the most. It was warm. Her soft hands felt so good against my rough skin. Not taking my eyes off of her, I began to breathe more easily.
"That's It Leonardo...deep breaths."
Raquel moved her hands from my cheeks down to the sides of my arms and starts rubbing them soothingly to keep me calm. I did as she said and started inhaling and exhaling at a steady pace. Once I felt like I could compose myself, I raised a shaky hand and took one of her hands in mine. I wearily looked at her with a forced smile.
"Th-thank you."
She drew in a small sigh of relief, and carefully engulfed my upper body into a warm embrace. I could only return her hug as I wrapped my arms around her waist. I never wanted to let go. I felt her chin rest on top of my head.
"You okay now?"
"Yeah...I'm okay."
She smiled. "Good."
My grip tightened on her shirt. "I'm sorry for acting like that. I didn't mean for that to happen."
"Shh...Hey, it's alright. I know what you're going through Leo, I've also been down the same road. It's something that is very hard to overcome."
Even though my panic attack left me exhausted, I found the strength the look up into her eyes. I couldn't fathom what she just said.
"Y-you mean..."
"I know what a panic attack looks like Leonardo. It's not pretty. I used to have them too."
"You did? Why?"
Raquel leaned back on her heels and rubbed the back of her neck. "It was a long time ago...I'd rather not talk about it."
I wanted to know. Why would a beautiful young girl like her ever have to suffer something like that? But, I respected her wishes decide not to harp on it.
"In you're case though, I'm not surprised. With everything you've been through, it would make sense why you're having these feelings building up." She came closer to me and whispered in my ear. "Leo, if you have anything you need to talk about...anything you need to get off your chest, you can always come to me. You know that right?"
I didn't respond too quickly. I stared down at my hands in my lap, my wrist in particular.
Should I tell her?...
"You don't need to keep all your feelings inside. It's better if you tell me whenever you feel like this to prevent these panic attacks from happening."
I slowly nodded. Taking her advice into consideration. I was mentally debating if I should tell her the truth about cutting myself. But I was afraid of how she'd react. I didn't want her to be angry with me. Yet a part of me felt like I needed to tell her, that she had the right to know.
"Raquel? Since you brought that up, I have something to tell you."
"What?"
I hesitated, but found the courage to roll my left sleeve up to reveal the scars. As soon as her eyes saw the scars, she stares in horror and instantly grabbed my wrist firmly. Her eyes kept going back and forth from my wrist to my face. She was completely stunned. Then suddenly, tears began to streak her face as she cried over the sight of my wrist.
"Why?" Was all she manages to say through her sobs. "Why Leo? Why?!"
My heart felt like it was splitting in two at her voice, her desperate pleading for an answer from me. In truth, I had no idea what to say to her. I ran my good hand over my head and turned my head away as I felt my own tears welling up.
"I don't know Raquel...I don't know...I'm sorry. I just figured you needed to know."
"When did you do this?"
"...Three days ago." My voice was quiet as I spoke.
Raquel only shook her head, her eyes never left my wrist. Without warning, she took her thumb and rubbed gently over my wrist. She sighed and turned her attention back to me. This time, I started crying.
"Everything has just been a-an emotional build up...It getting very hard t-to hold on. I miss my brothers, my dad...m-my home. Being taken away from them all at once...it's all j-just too much!" I pressed my face in my hands and imediately broke down. A heap of guilt settled in the pit of my stomach.
What kind of person am I becoming? This isn't me...this isn't me! I need to stop this. C'mon, stop it and get a fucking grip!
"Leo, look at me." I hear her soft voice whisper to me. I lifted my head to face her.
She wiped the remaining tears from my face. "It's gonna be okay. I promised you we'd find your brothers and we will. I've been trying to think of a plan. It's not exactly full proof yet, but it's comming along...if you can just hold on for a little longer...I want to help you find them, I really do. You just have to trust me."
"...I-...I do trust you Ray."
She nodded. "I know..." She lowered her gaze to my exposed wrist that was still in her hand. "Can you promise me something?"
Knowing what she was referring to, I gave her a serious look and nodded.
"Promise me you'll ever cut yourself again. You too strong and too kind of a person to do this to yourself."
I was doubtful about that, but I never wanted to cut ever again. It was a one time thing and that's all it'll ever be. No matter how stressed I get. I vowed to myself...
"I promise."

Phew! Wow this chapter was a long one. I promise my other chapters won't be as long as this, at least not much. This chapter was really deep and a lot of the feelings Leo's been keeping inside are finally rising to the surface. I'm going to speed the story up a bit now and start putting Raquel's plan into action...and I think I know exactly how to do it. Buuuut...You'll have to wait for the next chapter to find out. I know, I'm a terrible person. XD! 😋
Plus I will add an image later on to this chapter. I just have to draw it first.