Blown Away (CURRENTLY EDITING)

Chapter 18: Good and Bad

*BASED ON TRUE EVENTS*

#memoirmonth

ABI'S POV

We finally got to Travis's house in about 30 minutes. I still had those thoughts flying through my head. Will going through with this allow God to lay back and relax? Will He know that I see the mistakes I made and quit hurting me? I don't know, but I do know that I have to try. So, when we get into the house, I decide to carry out my plan.

"Hey, Amy, I think I'm gonna take a bath," I said, "I'll be a while because I need to relax my muscles."

"Take all the time you need, honey," she replied. Thank goodness. But I'm so nervous. What if this doesn't work? What if this only makes God madder? Well, there's only one way to find out. I grabbed another set of clothes, a towel, and my speakers for my phone and went into the bathroom. I locked the door, made the bath, and shuffled my playlist with Take it All Away by Red playing. Once that was done, I went to work...

~~~TWO DAYS LATER~~~

It was finally time for the Christmas Ball. I had on my dress and everything else was ready to go. The ball was going to take place in a Victorian building about five minutes away from their property. From what I heard, it seemed really nice. When we got there my suspicions were correct. And even the ballroom was elegant. And guess who was at the door to greet Amy and I? Travis and Johnny. They were dressed in their best, and I must say that Travis looks amazing in a tuxedo. We stepped out of the car and the boys were just flabbergasted. Wow, so he does like the dress.

"Good evening, m'lady," Travis says.

"Good evening," I reply.

"Ready to dance?"

"Definitely."

We dance a few dances, most of them ballroom style. But after them we had a few Christmas games. There was "Chubby Bunny," "egg nog and hot cocoa chugging contests," and a bunch of different games. After them, we ate dinner, and each couple or family had their own table, which meant it was just Travis and I. I'm just glad I didn't have to take my gloves off to eat. But then my ankles started to hurt. I tried not to notice it, but then the pain just grew and grew, and then it became obvious that they were hurting.

"Abi, are you okay," Travis asked.

"Yeah, these darned heels are killing me. Plus I have a splitting headache. I think I just need to get some fresh air."

"Why don't I come with you?"

"That won't be necessary, but thank you for the offer. I'll be right back." I then excused myself and went out to the garden out back. There were a bunch of weeping willows I could hide in, so I took the opportunity. I kicked my shoes off and sat on the grass and pulled the skirt of my dress up a bit to reveal my ankles... now with cuts next to them. I had made them pretty deep in the bathroom, but they barely even bled. So I just kept cutting over and over again until they finally bled. It took a while, but I got them to. And I didn't use the typical razor blade. No. I used hair cutting scissors so the cuts were wider. They were all on the inside of my ankles so hopefully no one would notice. There were two on my left ankle and one on my right. I also took a rubber band in there with me. I had heated it up with hot water and put it around my wrists to snap it repeatedly. It hurt, but I knew the more I did, the more weight seemed to come off my shoulders. Hm, I should do this more often. I didn't hear footsteps coming at all, so what happened next caught both the person that found me and I by surprise.

TRAVIS'S POV

"Abi, are you okay," I asked.

"Yeah, these darned heels are killing me. Plus I have a splitting headache. I think I just need to get some fresh air," she replied.

"Why don't I come with you?"

"That won't be necessary, but thank you for the offer. I'll be right back." She then excused herself from the table, and it didn't look like she was heading for the bathroom. I looked out the balcony nearby and saw she was heading for the cover of a couple weeping willows. What was up with her tonight? I decided I'd go after her and see what was really up. Eventually, I found her under the weeping willows like I thought she had wandered off to.

"Hey, Abi, what's-" I didn't expect to be cut off by the sight in front of me. Abi's ankles had cuts on them. When did she get those? Did anyone hurt her? If so I'm gonna pound their face in! Especially if it was her pathetic excuse of a father!

"What the heck happened to your ankles!?!" She looked at me in pure terror. I never meant to scare her, but my own fear and concern for her overwhelmed me too much to control myself.

"I... I did it..." My instincts kicked in right then and there. Why did she do this to herself? I never saw her as the cutting type. What lead her to this?

"D-did I just hear you right!?! You did that to yourself!?!" I stumbled over to her and ran my fingers over her cuts. It was true. She had cut them. But why? Why would she do something this drastic?

"T-to punish myself..." What did she need to punish herself for? In my eyes, she's done nothing wrong whatsoever.

"What on earth for?" I kept getting worried. This wasn't the Abi I grew up with. She was always so happy-go-lucky and strong, never the type to give in to anything or anyone. Now she was punishing herself?

"So God would ease up on me..." She thought God was punishing her? Didn't she know that God loved her? Sure, I may not seem to be a godly man myself, but I am. All these years I've been praying for her. Was she not as godly as she seemed? I don't know, but I'm gonna find out.

"Abi, what're you talking about?"

"God's been punishing me, I just know it. Makin' you leave, taking mama, letting daddy abuse me... I'm telling you, Travis, I did something wrong."

"You didn't do anything wrong, Abi. I was stupid, a drunk driver was stupid, and your pathetic excuse of a father is a complete idiotic jerkwad. God loves you, you know that."

"I'm done talking about this, okay?" She got up and I tried to grab her wrist when she winced in pain. I removed her gloves and saw the marks on her wrist which seemed to be from smacking them with a rubber band. I checked the other wrist and the same thing happened again.

"Abigail Danielle White..."

"Go ahead, be mad at me, I just don't wanna talk about this whole God thing anymore! I'm tired of hearing He loves me when He's the one that took so much from me! What was His plan in that, huh!?!" The little spit fire then stormed off. I didn't know what else to do, so I just prayed.

*Lord, I'm hurting for Abi right now and I bet You are, too. I don't know why she went and hurt herself... It completely shocks me. I don't know what to do, so I'm giving the situation to You, Father. Please work in Abi and heal her broken heart. I know part of this might be my fault since I left her, but I want her to be happy, not heartbroken. In Your name, Amen.*

So, what'd you think? Now, I know this probably took a while, that's because this was a bit hard to write. You see... I have cuts in the same places used with the same tool... along with the rubber band snapping. This chapter is kinda my testimony and a little support for others that've commited self harm. God loves you all no matter what, but you've gotta let Him into your life and sit on the throne of your heart before He can do anything to change your life. And trust me it works, along with several great friends and the book of Job. I'd like to thank a few of my friends by first name and some by nickname or YouTube username (initials might be used for people with the same name). Jill, Dylan, Sarah, Brandon, Josh, Jayme, Falon, Josh C, Blue, Mei, Caitlyn C, Hannah Cutrona (YouTube), Quade... Without you guys, I don't know what I'd do or where I'd be right now. By the way when you read this you'll know who you are. Thank you all. Anyway, you know the drill, and if I don't update within 6 days, then I wish you a Merry Christmas! And God bless! :)