you didn't know that even through everything that had happened, how much of a connection you had felt, she'd still be with him in the end. perhaps you weren't enough. maybe, too much? whatever it was, you did something to not make her stay. well she was never yours to begin with. but you had thought that she'd see more in you after she had asked you to sleep by her side, instead of her floor. that she'd see more in you after tracing your hand once she was done bandaging it. you're pretty sure it's because you didn't show how much you would have liked it if she hadn't gone back to her basic jock of a boyfriend, but you never said anything. you should have, but you didn't know.
you didn't know that even though she did end up with him, she still would steal little glances at you time to time. when the guy who got her wasn't looking of course. and you didn't expect her to still pull you aside sometimes to tell you a song she thought you'd like that she heard. or for her to whisper in your ear a witty comment when you two just happened to be near each other. you didn't know that even though she was with him, how much it'd make your heart beat the night she asked if you could stay for a little longer. just to keep her company of course, nothing more. but still, it felt like more. you didn't know that no matter what, the way her eyes glowed would still melt you inside. you didn't know that you'd get goosebumps anytime she put her hand upon your shoulder and knee. you didn't know any of this, meaning you weren't prepared when any of it happened.
you didn't know how to react when she showed up at your door one late night, in tears and broken down. no words were spoken as she fell into your arms. the air was cold, yet as she fit into you there suddenly was warmth. you take her into your room, knowing your mother wouldn't be home soon, and your brother was in his room very busy. sitting the girl down, you silently move arm from her face. even while crying, she was the most beautiful women you had ever seen. gently you ask what happened, and you don't know whether to regret asking afterwards. she bursts into tears once again and you can barely understand her. it's a course of being glad she came to you, but upset at the situation. and anger, for who had caused it all. but all you do is listen. you listen to her ramble, and go on and on,about how she expected this. how she thought everything was fine. you think to yourself how this sounds like any typical high school break up, but you don't say that out loud. the entire time you let her talk. her glass has broken, and you must gently glue her pieces back together. you didn't know this would happen. but even not being prepared, you knew what to do.
you didn't know that a few months after that, she'd start looking at you differently. not bad differently, just... differently. when she spoke to you, her eyes would show more emotion. and her gaze would linger on you more than usual after smiling from a distance. perhaps what stood out the most is how much closer she'd stand to you now, and how much she'd touch you. a hand on your shoulder, but for an extra amount of time. when speaking to you, she'd lean in on purpose. and how her breath one day just started smelling a lot more minty. soon, she invites you over for dinner. youve been at the byers many times, so it isn't much to notice. then when you go into her room because she tells you she has to show you, your heart skips a beat. her words slip out of her mouth like silk. and everything just seems slowed down. when she looks up at through her eyelashes, it's as if she sees right through you. she sees how long you've loved her, how much you've held back, how much you didn't know. then you feel her soft hand upon yours, and you can tell that she isn't nervous. she knows exactly what she's doing. unlike you. she smiles kindly and almost whispers, "i like you jonathan, i like you a lot." you didn't know that just hearing your name come out of her mouth like this, could make you like it so much.
