Sunshine Dreams

Three

I honestly don't know what I was thinking. From the moment I first had my doubt I knew is shouldn't. Have gone. I knew I shouldn't have. But I did anyways. Of course it was a month ago and of course I should forget about it but its not easy.

Especially when you're the victim. That exact night I packed up my bags and ordered my plane ticket for August 24. I've been surviving off of sweatpants for weeks and I knew I looked so out of place and not in a good way but I could care less. What these people think and say wont matter anymore once I'm out of here.

My room consisted of half empty drawers, piles of bring and not bring items and my pile of memories to reflect on when I'm feeling nostalgic. Oh and the broken glass frames, ripped photos and broken trophies.

Ever since that night I've been a mess and and I still am but I don't show it like before. I'm close to myself and spend most of my time planning my life ahead of me. Not like I haven't been doing that for the past 6 years but now I have more detail. I've made rules for myself once I get to Los Angeles.

No late night drinking.

No slacking.

No being late to classes or work.

No form party every weekend.

No boys.

ESPECIALLY no boys. I need to focus while I'm there. Plus I don't think I could handle another blade through the heart. Belle, my guitar, is nicely in its case ready to head to the west coast along with me. My music that I've been writing for years is all ready in my bag. Don't mistake me for some crazy college packer. I'm only bringing 1 suitcase and a backpack. Everything else ill buy in LA with the money I've been saving since freshman year.

I hear a honk outside. I run out the door and hop into Emma's car. We drive around for a while and then stop at Subway. I get my usual. Oven roasted chicken with every vegetable except any kind of the peppers and some ranch dressing on a toasted flatbread. Emma gets a meatball sub. We sit in a small corner table in the back.

"So, you're heading to UCLA in 3 weeks."

"And you're heading to Northwestern in 3 weeks."

"Just the way we planned when we were 13 huh."

"Yeah." I take a bite of my sandwich. "Just the way we planned it."

"How do you think rush is going for Christy?"

"I don't know but the way she talked about that sorority I can only hope she got in."

Emma takes a bite of her sub. "Me too."

"So Sean is a UNC."

"Yep."

"And Hadley is at UNC."

"Yep."

"You think they're still together?"

"Nope."

"Same. I heard Brian is there and the minute the plane hit North Carolina Hadley dumped Sean and went for Brian."

"Where did you hear that?"

"Twitter."

"Oh. Well yeah that's what he deserves. I mean he wanted to go to USC and they even offered him a football scholarship. He only turned them down because of Hadley. Never sacrifice your future for love."

"Yeah. I almost made that mistake."

"Awh. I'm sorry hun."

"I almost put down UCLA for Brown just to be with him. What was I thinking? There was no way I could build a music career in Rhode Island."

"The good thing is you didn't make that mistake."

"Yeah."

And no way in hell will I ever let anything like that happen again.

***

I officially survived the longest 3 weeks of my life. I'm technically out of Kingston. I mean, currently I'm at Logan International Airport but still. I'm out of Kingston. I choose the ticket date strategically the day my dad would be in New York for a business meeting so he wouldn't be one of the last people I see before jetting off.

The Bon voyage committee consisted of Emma who would be boarding her own flight to Chicago O'Hare airport today and my mother. My sisters were off at houses of friends. We sat in the car talking non stop about past memories and discussing what my exact plans for the future hold. It was a happy moment.

I stand now before the sliding doors where I shall enter and not return for a long while. We stand in a triangle shape. The silence is filled with joy and misery. My mother truly was one of the only people in my life who gave it meaning. She was solid and sensitive and I truly love her. She was the voice of reason. The only person who at home I can be myself around. She accepted me in a way my father never could or tried. She was tender and warm and you always felt welcome around her. I give her a hug and as I hold onto her but the strength to hold back tears is no longer within me. When I finish weeping I turn, join hands with Emma and walking through the sliding doors.

***

Here we stand before the gate. Our gates happened to be next to each other.

"2 minutes until boarding for flight 405 Delta to Los Angeles California"

We turn to face each other.

"Well Tara. This is it. The moment we've been waiting our whole lives for."

"Yeah. Never imagined it being quite this sad."

"It's ok. We can Skype the minute you reach Cali."

"But I'll be 3hrs behind you."

"Well. I guess you're gonna be traveling time." We laugh. An uncomfortable one but a laugh all the same.

"Flight 405 now boarding."

"Well that's my flight."

"Take care of yourself Tara. Dont stop chasing your dreams no matter what okay?"

"Ok."

I give her the tightest hug of all.

I enter the line and take one last look at a smiling Emma and I can already see a couple of tears forming. I wave and enter the plane. I take my seat.

We begin to taxi and I see through the window directly across from me a smiling Emma waving frantically at me. I wave back. As the taxi speeds up she's out of my view. My memories of Kingston return and my first thought was that stupid party. But I begin to remember the good. The happiness. The times I would smile. The times I laughed and truly understood what it was to be happy. To be free. To be myself.

As the plane takes its ascent into the air, a hot shiny tear finds it way out my eyes a creates a path on my cheek.