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What if Christian Grey met Anastasia Steele under different circumstances? What if Ana had a few of her own demons?
Anastasia Steele woke up an orphan in Virginia, s...
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A/N: Okay, I'm late but any way, 10 votes and 5 comments for the next chapter! Thanks you guys! I love you guys! I'm thinking about, like, completely busting my ass and prewriting a bunch of chapters and doing like a 31 days of Christmas type think and like do one update every day. Thoughts? Let me know in the comments.
Christian drove, while Taylor stayed closer behind, that being the case I wanted to talk, but he made no effort to bring up what he'd done. After twenty minutes in the car, in complete and utter silence I couldn't take it anymore. I tried to think of something to say and I kept drawing up blanks, I had never been in this situation before.
"What the hell is wrong with you?" I glare at him, he looks at me in surprise. "Don't look at me like that, what in your sick mind makes you think it's okay for YOU to kiss me and then act as though you're mad at me. What the hell did I do to you."
He glares at me for a moment and then pulls the car sharply to the shoulder of the road throwing it in park, which being honest was quite the unexpected reaction. He turned to look at me anger smoldering in his Grey eyes.
"I don't know Ana," He says, I can hear his anger in his voice, "I wanted to kiss you, so I did, but as I was doing it I realized, and know when I say this that I don't want to say it. But God dammit Ana you need to hear it."
He takes a breath and I can see it in his eyes that something is about to come out of his mouth and whatever it is he sincerely doesn't want to say it, as he said. But he doesn't speak he just looks at me a strong sense of despair in his beautiful eyes.
"What is it Christian?" I prompt, I wish he would realize that he can tell me things, he puts one hand gently on the side of my face and frowns.
"You should steer clear of me Anastasia." He says simply, "I'm not the man for you, I want you I do, I don't want to lose you again, but I can't allow myself to be selfish with you. I don't deserve you but there's someone in this world who does. And God do I wish it was me, but it's not."
What? Where is this coming from? Surely I should be the judge of whether or not he's the person for me. I frown up at him, my head swimming in a pool of rejection.
"Christian, why do you think so poorly of yourself?" I ask, he looks away from me out the windshield at the highway before us.
"It's the way I'm made Anastasia," He says not missing a beat, he looks back to me, "I'm fifty shades of fucked up, and I don't want to taint you Ana, you're so pure and I don't want to see you lose that part of yourself." His honesty is disarming, i blink up at him, I know first hand that Christian had a very rough introduction to this life, and that he doesn't like to get into the details of it, with anyone, not even his family but I don't think he's fucked up.
I let the conversation drop, mostly because I don't know what he expects me to say, he doesn't feel like he deserves me, or maybe he's just saying that to make me feel better; honestly I don't care. I'll let it go, because I know better than to push a conversation with Christian Grey.
Dinner was quiet, Mia left us on our own for a while to talk to some of her friends, We didn't speak, Christian didn't seem angry anymore, he seemed more sad than anything, I knew he cared, but I didn't know what to do to make anything better.
Once we finally made it back to Escala, Christian went to his study, and I felt bad because it seemed as though that now that he kissed me he feels uncomfortable in his own home, and I don't want that. I went upstairs grabbing my duffel bag shoving all of my belongings back in it, it's beginning to look like I'm really great at running away. I don't know how to fix Christian and I'm just ready to be done with all of it, you can't fix someone who doesn't want to be fixed and he doesn't. He never has, if we're being honest.
When I turn to make my way out of the room he's standing in the doorway, in his signature Christian stance, looking sultry and completely oblivious that he's doing it, he frowns at the bag on my shoulder. I don't say anything, I know that there's nothing that I can say to fix what happened, mostly because i didn't do it, he did, he has to be the one to fix the problem right now.
"What did you feel like when I kissed you, I mean you kissed me back, I'm confused Ana. I don't know what to do here." He's not lying, I can see that he's confused, maybe he's been this way all night and I just wasn't paying attention. I look away, I don't know how to answer that, probably because I'm just as confused as he is, but when I look at him I somehow know what I need to say.
"For just one second I thought that maybe, I wouldn't have to feel guilty anymore," I mumble, he looks at me in a questioning manner, I stare at him a moment and then I finally elaborate. "For wanting what I want. I want you Christian, I have for a long time, I thought I was over it but when I saw you for the first time since I'd been back. I knew I wasn't."
"I don't know what to do Ana, I don't know what to say, all I know is I care about you; deeply. And the only way I know to show that is to let you go." He frowns like he's looking for the words to say but can't find them, for a moment he begins to turn and walk away, he may have made it three steps and then he stops.
"No, no, you know what. I'm not a good person Anastasia. I don't do the right thing, I'm a fucked up man, and I'm going to feel horrible if I drag into my shit storm of a life." He's seething, he's frustrated, I can see it in his eyes, and in his stance. He's not frustrated with me, he's frustrated with himself. " But if I'm going to feel guilty about something, I'm going to feel guilty about something that matters. I'm going to feel guilty about this."
He lunges at me, pushing me back against the wall of the room, Before I realize it, he has both of my hands pinned above my head in a vice like grip, he's pinning me to the wall with his hips. Holy shit. His other hand grabs my ponytail, bringing my face up, and his lips are on mine. My blood ignites in my veins, i feel every inch of his body against mine. This man has an unnerving effect on me that I've never felt before.
