Being You

Chapter 3

By recess, Jeremy was exhausted with the effort of being Ella. For starters, he couldn't keep up with the speed and content of the conversations that went on between her friends. He thought he'd had a fairly good go at it though, despite everything.

He'd excused himself to the bathroom — after shaking off the offers to accompany him — and narrowly missed the mistake of going into the boys' bathroom. He entered a cubicle, shakily put the toilet lid down, and sat upon it with a sigh. It was all a lot to take in.

He took out his phone to check if Ella had texted him. He was alarmed to find an urgent message waiting for him.

10:34am

Behind gym

— was all it said. But Jeremy knew what this meant. When Ella had first admitted to suffering from panic attacks, he'd made her promise that if she felt one coming on that she would text him her location so he could get to her. So he pushed his weariness aside and dashed through the science block and past the woodwork classrooms until he reached her.

"Ella, Ella, I'm here," he panted, crouching down to face her.

She was sitting against the gym wall with her knees clenched tightly to her chest, rocking slightly. Her breaths were fast and uneven, her eyes staring blankly into some abyss that only she could see.

"Hey, Ella, listen to me, you're not alone."

She briefly looked up at him, tears shining unshed, and nodded weakly.

"You're right here with me. You're gonna be okay. Come on, breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out..."

He continued the reassuring murmurs for a few minutes as she slowly began to breathe to his instructions, her shuddering breaths slowing until she was calmer. Jeremy found his own throat tight seeing her in this state in his body. Somehow this seemed so much more unnatural, more unnerving, despite everything else that had happened over the last couple of days.

They sat for a little while in silence, just absorbing the moment. Clouds moved in dark clumps across the sky, propelled by a strong wind that only translated to a cool, humid breeze where they were sitting. Ella plucked a blade of grass absently and spun it between her fingers.

"I never realised you got teased so much," she whispered suddenly. Jeremy bowed his head. "We've had two fucking periods at school and already it's apparent how much of a shithole it is for you. How did I not notice it?"

Jeremy shrugged. "It's not like I told you about it. I guess I didn't want to worry you. Or for you to think less of me for it."

"How could I possibly blame you for all of these dickheads treating you like you're their prime target? How the fuck—"

"Look, I was ashamed of it, okay?" Jeremy broke in. "You've always been so much stronger than me, I just don't know how to be confident or intimidate other people."

"...So I'm intimidating?"

Jeremy missed the vulnerability in his sister's voice and replied, "Yeah. More than me."

A small sob erupted from Ella. The sound was raw and heartbreaking and Jeremy immediately regretted his words. "No, that's not what I meant—"

"Well I guess I'm just a fucking bully then, aren't I? That's the only reason I have friends. I intimidate them all into hanging out with me, because who on earth would stick around me of their own free will?"

"I would," Jeremy said firmly.

Ella glared at him. "Yeah, but you're my brother. Or sister. Whatever."

Jeremy bit down the stinging feeling of hurt from that remark. "Well even if we weren't related, I'd still think you were cool. You're the person that everyone wants to be friends with, you know?"

Obviously she didn't know, because a look of surprise took over her features. "Really?" she asked quietly.

"Really. Do you honestly think I'd sacrifice my pride to say all of this mushy shit if I was lying?"

Ella chuckled weakly. "Okay, I get it. Thanks, man." She punched him in the shoulder and he grinned back, trying to inject some positivity into the situation.

The bell rang out, quiet from their place out of bounds. "Better get to third period," Jeremy said reluctantly. Ella bit her lip and nodded, standing slowly. "You'll be okay. Text me again if you need to skip."

"Sure." And they went their separate ways.